"It's time you started your career."

That's what someone said to me last week.
Saying something noncommittal like usual, I was too stunned to actually reply.

Every day I try to validate what I do. The business of community development and poverty alleviation is hard enough, especially when working in conjunction with a bent, if not broken, education system. There can be many forces in opposition, telling you you're too young (or old) and weak and ineffective to change such an overwhelming problem.

But what if there's a different way of thinking? That's what the Springfield Promise Neighborhood has tried to do from the very beginning.

Rather than dreaming smaller in a world of limited resources and even less money, we dream bigger. And look where it got us - we were just approved to take on 11 new AmeriCorps VISTA positions starting this summer. I am lucky enough to become the VISTA Leader, or a person to help the other VISTAs do their jobs better.

I've learned so much already about leadership and entrepreneurship (in the most general sense). I'm still trying to work through complexities and hope to continue to work through them by writing.

But I've started. So there.

Typical New Year Reflections

I've got plans for this year and writing more is one of them. So what better way to start than by reflecting upon last year. Cute.

Looking back on 2013

1: What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

I stood up in front of a cafeteria full of people and talked and didn't lose my head. I'd never pictured myself in the position of being someone "in charge", and now people look to me for answers. It's a lot more pressure but I get a lot of energy from the work.

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

For a reminder, my promises last year were to eliminate or significantly reduce mediocrity in my life. And I can definitely say that yes, I did this. I held myself to higher standards and I held those around me to higher standards. As for my other promise, to write more, well... I did write a large amount of letters. Mostly to my good friend back home and my boss. This is ironic because we literally spend around 5 hours a day together, but somehow we still have more to talk about.

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope. I know that many people I knew from school did, but no one I'm close with. For those of you keeping score at home, I believe the number of people I went to school with that now have kids is up to 24.

4: Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thank God.

5: What countries did you visit?

Canada! For our annual girl's trip into the woods. This year my cousin, my mom, and my mom's friend Judy were in attendance. We had an absolute blast, and some adventures.

My cousin and I hiked to the top of Robertson Cliffs and had the wildest lunch of our lives on the edge of a mountain:

And we drove up to Pancake Bay one sunny afternoon:

And on the way back we stopped at Chippewa Falls, the midpoint of the Trans-Canadian Highway. Can you imagine being the first person forging through wilderness to come across this:

6: What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013

To be quite honest, I'd like to have companionship. I know that sounds all woe-is-me but I haven't had a significant other in a long time and I feel like I'm finally at a place where it could be a fulfilling relationship.

7: What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Nothing stands out too much, except for August 14. That was the day we drove up to Pancake Bay, and the day I received word that we had been awarded a significant federal grant to open an after-school learning center at the elementary school I work with. This may not seem that significant but we had worked on it for so long and by mistake they had told us the Friday afternoon prior we hadn't gotten it. And, yay for me, I had found that out on my birthday. I was depressed in the wilderness for a few days before we reconnected with civilization (no cell phone reception on that big ol' lake) to hear that we had indeed won. It was a good day.

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I would say winning the grant, but I did more of the back-end editing rather than the actual writing.

I am more inclined to say the success of our summer school program. I was involved in the planning, training, preparation, and supervision of the summer program and the students did quite well.

Career aside, I can definitely say I have learned more about using my strengths and exercising my weaknesses, both intra- and interpersonally.

9: What was your biggest failure?

Whew. Again, nothing major comes to mind. I made mistakes, to be sure, and I learned a lesson from each of them.

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope! For, like, the first time ever! Not even a cold!

11: What was the best thing you bought?

Lolz. A good knife.

12: Whose behavior merited celebration?

Famous-person-wise... this is going to sound weird but, the Pope. I'm not trying to jump on the bandwagon (Popewagon?) but I think he's said and done some really good things.

13: Whose behavior made you appalled?

Ick. Somebody like Miley Cyrus. Someone who got lots of press for doing incredibly stupid things - or doing meaningless things this hyper-celebritized society thinks is press.

14: Where did most of your money go?

Food. I love food.

15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Seeing Dave Matthews Band in concert in the pavilion!!

16: What song will always remind you of 2013?

Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. Thrift Shop by Macklemore. (Ick.)

17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

a) Happier!

b) fatter haha

c) richer, ironically, because I'm making less full-time then I was part-time while in school.

18: What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I'd done more random shit. You know, when you're sitting around with your friends and someone says "Hey, have you been to ____, or have you heard about ____?" Just being more spontaneous in general.

Also, I wish I'd ridden my bike more.

19: What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat shit. Oh, I ate a lot of terrible food this year and I'm paying for it. Insanity workouts started today!

20: How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas eve with my dad's side of the family, then playing trumpet in my church's late christmas eve service, Christmas brunch at my grandmother's, then Christmas dinner with my mom's side.

My niece Ava discovered my trumpet for the first time. She's two.

21: Did you fall in love in 2013?

No.

22: What was your favourite TV program?

Breaking Bad! Binge-watched all five seasons in time for the series finale.

...yes, he's in his underwear.

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don't really hate people.

24: What was the best book you read?

The Sparrow, by Mary Doria Russell. I read it while in Canada.

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?

Nightmares on Wax, In A Space Outta Sound.

A really good band to listen to while driving with the windows down on a mild day.

Also, Yes.

What can I say, I was born in the wrong era.

26: What did you want and get?

I wanted some little things, like art supplies, and a cover for my laptop.

27: What did you want and not get?

I wanted a tablet but I'm still trying to decide.

28: What was your favorite film of this year?

Pfft. I didn't see hardly any movies. Despicable Me 2. I know that's sad but I literally saw three new movies this year.

29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having a car! I got it last summer and it's glorious just having an actual car to drive around whenever I want.

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

Comfortable and colorful.

31: What kept you sane?

My boss. Definitely.

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

This hasn't changed. Dave, o'course.

33: What political issue stirred you the most?

Gay rights! I am so jazzed about the states that have legalized same-sex marriage. Let's keep this train moving forward!

34: Who did you miss?

I missed friends who have moved away or moved on with their lives, especially college friends.

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

Don't take no for an answer.

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I fall so hard inside the idea of you
That's why with you cant say what I mean
Wanna stay but I think I'm gettin outta here
I fall so hard inside the idea of you"

No excuses.

Honestly I've been embarrassed about the state of my blog and so haven't posted since march. I've had this blog since 2007.
I was 17.
You think I was talking about anything that meant something?

So I cleaned a few things up and only deleted two posts. All the rest of it is there in case you want to read about my ordinary life. I wouldn't advise it though - it's not pretty. Mostly anxious and angsty posts.

One thing that is apparent though is how much I've changed. I started this blog when I was a junior in high school. Now I'm through college and gainfully employed (sorta). Maybe change isn't the right word. Revealed, perhaps? How could I have possibly known that I'd be who I am today?

This evening we had an event at the school where I sorta work. (It's much more complicated than that but I don't feel like getting into it.) I accidentally let a closet door close while we were setting up chairs. So I ran to ask the principal for his keys. Now, this is a guy you don't exactly want to bother, especially when you've screwed up. He rebuked me, and I agreed with him that it was a stupid mistake - my mistake. For a short second I got the about-to-cry feeling. He stopped me and said that next year we should do professional development on this day (the day of the school's halloween parties) and avoid everything because it's so crazy. I definitely agreed with that one. As I walked out of the office, he said I will make a heck of a principal.

I've been thinking a lot about leadership. And living it, really. Since the summer when I was helping lead a summer staff of 6 and an additional new 3 full timers, I've noticed things changing in my head, in my actions, and in the reactions of others. Is principalship the way to go? Who knows. More than a few people have asked me about that particular career path. It's not something I'm especially enthused about right now - poverty alleviation and strategic planning is, though.

Also, this is maybe a little ironic. Or maybe not. The same principal above calls me "Sarge", the lovely and endearing nickname bestowed upon me by this summer's staff. Last week a guy whose name I didn't even know called me that. More on this later.

When Two Sing

Last night I briefly chatted on facebook with one of my best and oldest friends (that I still consider a "best" friend). She's student teaching right now and is going through many of the same doubts that I did last year. She's having that "oh god is this really what I want to do with the rest of my life" challenge. Boy, can I relate. I got a degree in a dying (or severely depleted) career path, especially within public schools. Doesn't help that I have a passion for inner-city/impoverished schools where music education is even more lacking. Since graduation I had thought that my degree was pretty much useless to me in this current venture (nonprofit work in community development and transformational schools in poor neighborhoods). Recently, though, my perceptions towards the degree and the b.s. I had to go through to get it have changed.
In fact, I'm grateful I got a degree in music education. Granted I'm not specifically using the music skills (that's not entirely true... it helps to have a few songs in your back pocket to teach when you've got thirty kindergartners ready to go home but the bus won't be there for another half hour). But in terms of some wider understandings it was beneficial. I have a better perspective on funding in school systems and districts. I have a better understanding of assessment and accountability procedures in schools. I have skills and am working on skills in advocacy, practiced for a few years now as countless people have asked me, in response to my questionable career path, whether I want to be struggling to look for a job my entire life. I'm sorry, but that's not the point here. The point is that I got a degree in something I was passionate about at the time and it exposed me to a multitude of other options that include much of what I like most about music education: creating and working through beauty in multiple forms, exploring self-expression with students, advocating for the intangible benefits an enriched education can provide...I could go on. I wrote my thesis about this, for pete's sake.
In talking to Kel I was reminded that I don't have it all figured out either. The perfectionist planner inside me says 'holy crap this is a problem'. But really... it's not. Let me repeat: it's okay to not have everything figured out. Dear self, read this when you're stressed and wheezing about grad school and paying rent and all that other crap.

You need the world and the world needs you.

Rabbi Pinhas said: "When a man is singing and cannot lift his voice, and another comes and sings with him, another who can lift his voice, then the first will be able to lift his voice too. That is the secret of the bond between spirit and spirit."