Today a friend S. and I were on our way back from a professor's house where we had a nice dinner and company. I asked her what her plans were for the summer and next fall, because even though she'll be walking at commencement she has to stay an extra semester to finish her degree requirements. She said she is trying to find a job at home but it's difficult because she's overly qualified; after next fall semester is over she'll most likely be moving to new york state to find a teaching job in a high needs district as per her fellowship requirements. We got into a conversation about our futures and what our college as set us up for. I asked her if she regretted coming to this school and she said yes and no... the opportunities and departments weren't what she expected but there were other little things that made it somewhat worth it. I asked her then if she had the choice again would she come here or go to another school, and she said she wouldn't come here again. It was clear throughout this car ride home that she is pessimistic about the future and feels like our college hasn't done the best job in terms of career preparations or coursework. She is burnt out, jaded, and tired.

I'm happy I'm not like that.

This school has been a blessing for me in many ways. I often think about what it would have been like if I had accepted one of the other schools on their offers. Yes, the departments at other schools are much better than what is currently here. However, if I had not been here, I would not have gotten involved with the Promise Neighborhood. To be frank this project is a game-changer for me. It has changed my outlook on my career and the future and where I could find myself in the coming years. I think about all the things I have been lucky to be a part of because of the unique circumstances of event offerings, or conferences, or connections with courses. It is truly amazing. My friends here are going off to do great things all around the country - Yale, D.C., California, you name it.

But we all started here.

Some say college years are some of the best years of your life. While I beg to differ, I really can't say because I have no idea what's to come. Things are wide open and the possibilities are endless. Compared to some people (like my friend above) I'm not stuck yet.

I found out this past week that I was accepted to be one of the Americorps VISTA workers for the coming year with the Promise Neighborhood. Can I just say how exciting this is? Yes, I won't be teaching music per se. But I'll be working with a school, the school that I've devoted countless time, energy, and emotion to over the past two years. The stress of finding a job is suddenly absent. Finally, I have a chance to work for this project without also having to juggle school full-time. I have no idea what the next year might look like - hell, I don't even know when I'm going to start work (it's some time in June). But to have that first step on the road sorta figured out makes me eternally grateful. Because of that, I can wake up every day looking forward to the possibilities, not at the dead ends.

Another thing that made me think today happened at the dinner, before that car ride. There were some new friends around the table and so each of us talked a little about our involvement with Promise or at college. One thing that I noticed is that with the underclassmen, they all talked about the things they have personally done or contributed. Hmmm. The sad thing is I think that some of these people getting involved with the project are in it for their own personal gain. That is, they make sure to let everyone know the work that they themselves have put in.

Let me clue you in.

It's not about you.
It's about the kids. It's about making a difference in this community. It's about the belief that we have for each student at Lincoln that they will go to college and be able to escape some truly horrifying situations. It's about changing the culture of drugs and dropouts and convicts into a culture of learners who care, who contribute, who thrive rather than merely survive. Yeah, recognition every once in a while is nice - it's the fuel that keeps the light burning when the wick gets low. But this is not about one person's work. It's not even about OUR work. It's about the work of those students, that community. We are the wheels that help get the train rolling - we're not the engine. That's what I find so unique about our approach. Rather than someone coming in and saying "this is what you need to do and need to change," we help everyone figure out what assets we possess to make our own change. Otherwise it creates a cycle of dependency where nothing really changes. So rather than looking inward, maybe it's time to start looking outward.

An egg

Today I defended my thesis successfully and will be graduating with university honors. Let me tell you, this is a huge weight off my back. Last week I didn't even have a complete paper until about 4 on Friday afternoon. People said that student teaching would be hard, but I never really understood how hard until I looked up and saw that we had like 6 weeks to go in the semester and WAY too much work to get done. Somehow, though... I managed to make it.

I've spent the last six weeks teaching at two of the worst performing schools in the district. It has given me a lot of insight into teaching in a high poverty situation, that's for sure. I've had to deal with children's services, a physical fight, a lock down drill, tornado drill, fire drill, and a shooting of one family's uncle. To say that teaching takes a toll is the understatement of the year. Mentally, physically, emotionally, it was all I could do to get to spring break. But now that my thesis is mostly out of the way I think life will be an eensy bit better.

I also heard today that only two people applied for the two positions with Promise Neighborhood next year, and one of them will most likely be going on to grad school(aka we'd be really surprised if she didn't) - and I am not going on to grad school. So, W. said today that he was going to hire me and look for another person to fill the second spot. Nothing official, but in my book that's a real confirmation!

Also, W. did something today that rendered me speechless. He's been helping me through the whole thesis process and he and his wife were talking about me this morning because of my defense. This afternoon I went to meet him to talk about my presentation. He slid a small package wrapped in tissue paper toward me. "This is from Mar," he said. And then told me a beautiful story about how this gift, a small green ceramic/stone egg, is now mine. It used to be Mar's father's. He talked about the shape as not only the place where of course life is nurtured, but it speaks to the wider idea of new beginnings. And while there are many things coming to a close now that we have less than four weeks until commencement, it is also a time for new beginnings. And so of course I held back tears as this little inconspicuous stone encapsulates some of my anxieties, hopes, and blessings.

And what a blessing to have people like that in this world.