Monday, September 27, 2010

closer to fine

so there's this guy. and every time i think about him it makes me smile. and he sounds as interested in me as i am in him. and today's been a good day.










and i've been listening to this song nonstop for the past day or so:

Sunday, September 26, 2010

was I a fool to think?

do you ever get the feeling that you don't mean anything to anyone? or someone in particular? even though you try your hardest, no matter how hard you work, love, or feel, you're doomed to never be good enough? i want to do so much more, make a bigger impact, talk more, love more, be more, and i feel like i just can't. i feel like i don't have a connection with this someone, even though we do, and they've said so. i'm jealous of the other people because i think they're more special than i am. i can't help wondering how much this someone might think of me after i've gone and they've moved on. i don't want to be needy, and sometimes it feels like i'm being that way. but i don't know how to stop.

Friday, September 24, 2010

only for a moment and the moment's gone

i swear to god, this is the semester from hell. and that is not an over-exaggeration.

last night was just like any other night. i was sitting in my chair doing homework when savannah came home. we got to talking, and she said she was hungry. so we went out to make something to eat and chat over late-night "dippy eggs". i came back to my room later in the night, went to get back to my work -- and my computer didn't turn on. yeah. i tried everything i could think of related to the power. nothing. i called my dad at midnight freaking out. obviously there was nothing he could do, so he told me to leave it overnight and try again in the morning. so i slept very poorly, woke up, tried it, still not turning on. this is awesome. i was sick to my stomach all morning because of this. my dad custom built that machine and now it's a very expensive paperweight. one of rachel's friends works with a computer repair company, so we took it to him and he said he'd take a look at it. i was so close to tears all day. after my 1:50 class, i decided to go see w since i didn't know who else to turn to. i really didn't want to play the victimized student deal, but as soon as i saw him i just started crying again. i have a paper and a presentation due in five days. he was really kind and caring and we went into his office to talk. he asked what my options were, and basically i've got to either live in krieg or trek back and forth between hollenbeck and my house. we're in his office and he asks if i need a computer - his laptop is sitting on the table. he freaking GAVE me his laptop to use. what kind of teacher does that, honestly? i am blown away by the graciousness and selflessness of this man. luckily the hard drive on my computer didn't get damaged, so the guy i took it to was able to get all my data off so i can at least work on stuff. most of my research was salvaged, except for the stuff i was working on at the time my computer took a crap. so i don't think i'm too far behind, but it's really nice to be able to have a computer to work on instead of spending hours/nights in the library or krieg. i am going to have to come up with something to do in return for him... i hate all this taking and not giving. he always pays for my coffee or lunch when we do that sort of thing, and now this... is it safe to say i'm sort of speechless? by sort of, i mean i can make grunty sounds and say words, but full sentences are out of the question. i kind of just sit there stunned most of the time when i think about it too hard.

tomorrow i'm going to hocking hills with my cave ecology class. it's both good and bad... good because i can get away for a while and hopefully forget about things; bad because it's going to take up almost the entirety of my day. we're leaving at 7:45 and getting back around 7. you think i'm going to work on my paper after that?!

one week and i'll be home for parade of bands. hopefully then we can take my computer to the company we bought it from and they can do something. or at least find out what's wrong. i think heather is coming down to pick me up along with brittany. i'm looking forward to having them on campus. i got much closer with both of them this summer, in some ways i probably couldn't have predicted. plus, when i go home i'll get to see benford.

sigh. let's hope things get better from here. things can only get better, with how shitty they've gone lately.

it'd be so nice to lay in bed and cry and eat ice cream for a few days.

i just realized that this is the first real crying i've done this semester. i hate crying in front of people, and now i went and did it in front of w. awesome.

bed. now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

disappointment

Didn't get the big federal grant for the promise neighborhood.

disappointment.

but there is local funding, so things are going to happen.

still - what a let down.

butt jangles mcgee

five days have passed and things are minutely better than they were.
i took saturday off from everything related to school. i just felt like i really needed some time to take a break and not be completely driven. i went to the football game with rachel and actually got sunburnt. i got sunburnt halfway through september, what a joke. they invited the high school to play since neither of our schools have bands. after the football game, rachel and i went tubing because it was so hot. we go down the river which is near her house. let me just tell you that even though it was 85 degrees outside, that water was SO FREEZING. i was honestly afraid i would get hypothermia or something. we spent almost two hours going down the river. it was quite enjoyable because it's just you and the tube and the river. at one point there were some quick rapids and rachel got stuck in one of the trees that was hanging over the river... oh man, it was really funny!
after that, savannah and i went to dr. w's for a fire. now this was probably the most surreal experience i've ever had. he had sent a text message inviting me and friends out to his place for a fire (since he lives in the country). i responded saying there were a few of us interested. his reply - please come out, we won't be home until 9 but there's a key and fresh bread in the kitchen. when S. and i got there it was sprinkling, so we decided it probably wouldn't be the best time to start a fire... so we got the key and went into his house. uh huh. yeah, you read that right. we kind of wandered around the kitchen and living room and then spotted chutes and ladders in the hall closet... so with nothing else to do, we plopped down in his living room and played a game. then i spotted jenga sitting on one of the windowsills, so we played that instead. right around the second game he called me asking if we were there and if we had gotten a fire started. i told him we were waiting for the rain to pass, so we were playing jenga in his living room. his reaction was the greatest... there was a pause, then laughter, then, "you're in.... you're in my HOUSE?!?" he wasn't mad or anything, so it was okay. i was worried for a second. since they were coming home S. and i decided to actually start a fire and we had just made our first s'more when they got home. we ended up spending an hour and a half sitting on his deck just talking... more like complaining, since S. and i have had really crazy weeks recently. it was quite enjoyable to just sit there and relax and not worry about what's due when. and then i got an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and sadness. i'm not sure why, because i know both he and his wife care about us (because otherwise they wouldn't give us open access to their house) but i just felt completely at home, and then i started missing my real home.
sunday was spent playing catch up with all my work. i ended up seeing w again and sitting in his office for 45 minutes. i had intended to just have him sign a form for fishing club and leave, but he wanted to show me a trailer for Waiting For Superman.



this is a movie about the harlem children's zone, and is what w is trying to recreate (in a unique way) here.

yesterday i had three tests in a row. i'm not kidding... three back to back to back. and let's just say MAJOR SUCK-O. it was awful. i hate the pressure that tests put on you to cram stuff into your brain. if we could have a conversation about the material rather than a hard and fast letter grade it would do so much for my mental state. but since those have come and gone (and i think i did pretty well on all of them) i feel a lot better physically, mentally and intelligently. i've got some work to do today but it's nothing that i can't take care of.

so yeah. just a little update. ta-ta for now.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

don't throw away your playful beginnings

I'm trying! really i am!
who knew this college thing would be so difficult. i'm two years in and i'm still trying to figure things out.

good choices vs. bad choices.
do ever learn?

i failed my first college test. 49 percent. luckily we went over it and i understand much better, and we'll have an opportunity to take another quiz. but still.

my to-do list is up to 17 things, i think. and all of them need to get done before monday/tuesday.

i just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a few days. have some "me" time. or something that doesn't involve dr. k, the music department or even music in general.

it always happens... that three week cycle. i always get worn out and really homesick every three weeks or so.
and here it is.

the kitten has gotten in the habit of flopping down on the floor whenever she sees me coming. it's like "lalala, cleaning mysel--MOM'SCOMINGMUSTNEEDLOVE" it's kind of really adorable.

anyway, i should probably get into bed sometime soon.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"good thing i have a shirt on!"

I've realized that I don't have much time for myself. and that sucks.

most of my day is spent either in class, practicing, or working. and all of them indirectly deal with doing something for other people. except for maybe practicing, but i do that partly so bryan doesn't hate me. homework... all kinds of shit for the multitude of professors I aide for... i spent an hour in the library today because mr. prof can't burn a cd himself. and i've spent the last 45 minutes proofreading a project he's working on. it's not that i regret doing all the aide stuff, i quite enjoy it, but hey i have things to do too!

part of my crappy attitude today has something to do with the fact that i'm just freaking tired. i was up too late last night and up too early this morning. i wish i could just take a day and sleep and detox... but i can't even do that because my to-do list is now up to 17 things.

meh.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

we're up and we're fishing and we're golfing and we're back

okay so this whole regular blogging thing isn't too bad!

yesterday was kind of crazy. since a lot of classes were cancelled on monday because of the holiday, yesterday was spent catching up on stuff and getting back into the mwf classes. i went to this masterclass... usually, masterclasses are when a composer or performer comes and he works with a student in a kind of "public private lesson" setting, giving them suggestions and things to work on in their piece. well, this dude that is playing a piano recital tonight did the masterclass yesterday. let's just say that it was the most pointless hour of my life. he didn't have any agenda or anything like that, and we all kind of awkwardly stared at each other like "what do we do now...?" to top it off he hardly speaks english, so we couldn't communicate very well and i could barely understand his interpreter. wow, totally pointless.

this tutoring thing is actually working out really well. i'm so surprised how easily the teaching comes to me, and it seems like the students are catching on and doing well. their first test is tomorrow so we'll see, i guess.

tonight is the major big deal EHS vs. EC football game. everyone has been posting stuff on facebook about it and man i miss all that. i can't even watch it, but i might listen on the radio or online. and once again, we're back to the marching-band-nostalgia conversation topic. ugh.

oh, and i've decided to suck it up and really change my practicing habits when it comes to trumpet and piano. (and my other methods classes, too.) my lesson today could have gone a lot better and the only thing that's really holding me back is my own goddamn laziness. so i'm really going to try to be better with practicing. i should be better than i am.

tomorrow is friday, thank GOD.

p.s. i might have a couple of options of the male persuasion in line. time will tell.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

you don't know

yesterday i went to lunch with someone. and i realized that our relationship is changing. i'm not sure if it's in a good way or bad way, but it's different than i saw it end up being. i realized some things about myself and about them. we had a very deep conversation towards the end of our hanging out, and i was surprised to leave and be close to tears. i'm not sure why, because i should be enjoying the time we spend together. i just get the feeling that i'm never going to be good enough, or close enough, or something enough for them. sigh.

is it bad that it's tuesday and i'm already looking forward to the weekend? :(

Sunday, September 05, 2010

a little satisfaction

Today, I saw: springfield's finest at a really shady laundromat. but i needed clean clothes and we can't do it in the dorms anymore! since we're fancypants upperclassmen!

Today, I heard: our kitten meowing for love like the attention whore she is.

Today, I touched: my trumpet, the keys of a piano and the keys of my computer.

Today, I smelled: chili cooking in the crockpot! what a wonderful dinner.

Today, I tasted: an egg sandwich made lovingly by roommate who was going to bring me breakfast in bed, popcorn and that chili i already talked about.

oookay. elaboration. the shady springfield laundromat. holeeeeee crap. we walked in and a swear i felt like i was a stereotypical movie scene in a laundromat. it was definitely an interesting experience... but since we paid sixteen dollars to do six loads of laundry, that probably won't be happening again.

the rest of the day i kind of just sat around and didn't really do much of anything. tonight i tutored for kazez's theory class. i feel like i'm really doing an okay job - a few of the main people who come often said again that i'm going to be a great teacher. and that's pretty much all that's worth it to me.


oh, p.s. my trumpet teacher wants me to play either the Haydn trumpet concerto or the Hummel trumpet concerto this year. are you KIDDING me?!

Saturday, September 04, 2010

talking to myself

okay. that's it. i can't stand not writing anymore. so i'm going to try an experiment - write something, SOMETHING, at least every other day. maybe every three days, depending on the craziness of my life. i shall find one thing that made that day worthwhile to me.

you know what today's greatness was?
the absolutely beautiful weather!
for once i actually needed a blanket because it was chilly enough at night. my roommate and i went shopping today at old navy (she needed dress clothes and i can never resist a trip to old navy) and then we went to wal-mart for groceries. we came home and had tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner... i can't even remember the last time i had tomato soup. it was fantastic to open the windows, have a cool breeze coming in and to eat a great sandwich/soup combo. after dinner we went for a really long walk around campus. we actually walked the entire perimeter, and explored the science building. i didn't realize how frikking LARGE that place is! and the geology department is oh so amazing! they have a frikking mastodon tusk or something on display. and the whole hallway is lined with cases of fossils and rocks and moon dust and shit like that.

we ended up walking past the football field, where they're having their first night football game. and as we were walking past, i felt this HUGE wave of nostalgia and sadness. being on a football field under the lights is like nothing else you'll ever experience. to have the crowd cheering louder for your marching band than for the football team is something that you don't easily forget.
i really enjoy the moments that kind of re-solidify that yes, i'm on the right track with my life. this past week in my conducting class, we did this wierd exercise where we had to move our arms and bodies to the music - not necessarily conduct, but more interpret the music bodily. we had a wide range of music to do this exercise with, from mozart's grand partita to stravinsky's rite of spring to holst's the planets. at first, it was really awkward and cheesy and everyone in the class was laughing and we all felt stupid. but after a while dr. jones gave us some suggestions on what to think about/listen to. and honestly, it started to feel quite natural. yeah, it was still awkward to look like fools with everyone else in the class, but secretly it was very interesting. and it got me to think about the music rather than just listen.
i know there's a lot of work to do over the next two years, and part of me feels really stressed and scared. but another part of me experiences those little moments every so often and is just like "Yes!!"
so anyway. life is decent right now. more than decent, actually. really awesome. busy as all hell, but i am doing okay with that. there are some developments that have occurred recently, so i'm not sure what to make of some things. but that's ambiguous for a reason! keep guessing!