don honny

BREAAAAAAK.

halleluiah.

got home last wednesday afternoon. brenda and stephanie ambushed me as soon as i pulled in the driveway! it was so funny - they made signs. hung out with them plus jessica at mcdonald's for like, an HOUR while brittany was making chicken nuggets. (aka britteniggets). then i went to jessica's for the routine dinner - steaks, mashed potatoes, corn, and crescent rolls. yum!
thursday, my cousin graduated from ohio technical institute. had to drive into downtown cle. i didn't realize how much i missed that city! we made it there in 12 minutes... which says something about the way my uncle was driving. we went to olive garden to celebrate. later that night i went to the high school band concert with jessica. let's just say that i'm used to listening to a collegiate symphonic band....
friday, i actually got to sleep in! holy cow! didn't really do much... just relaxed and watched t.v. for the first time in like, two weeks. did i mention that finals week was complete HELL?? i had four, yes, four finals, on tuesday. granted, three of them only lasted 15 minutes, but still. monday was our piano final which i kind of screwed up on, but managed a B+ overall. then tuesday was my string methods final, playing stringed bass. got an A in that class. then i had to run upstairs to dr. k for my skills proficiency exam... easy peasy... got an A-. thennnnn i had to run back downstairs and warm up for my trumpet jury. it went great! i was asked to play the F and E flat scales, which are two of the easier ones. my solo went really well also. i only missed one or two notes, and i stayed relatively in tune. after i was done there, i met up with dr. w and S., and we went shopping for fishing club stuff. it was really fun to hang out with them outside school. we bought about $300 worth of fishing club gear, using up our funds for this semester for student senate. then we ate lunch at a mexican restaurant. we headed back to school and i took my students with special needs final at 4. i thought it was pretty easy, actually. everyone was making it out to be some behemoth, but it wasn't bad. once i finished that test i was FINALLY done for the day, but i spent 6 hours in the damn library studying for my music history final the next morning. yeah... that was horrible. the stuff i knew, i knew REALLY well, but the stuff i didn't know...i had NO clue. ugh. whatever, it's done. so far, i've calculated a 3.846 gpa, and i'm still waiting on my music history final grade. not too shabby... not to brag or anything. whoo, that semester is done!
anyway... saturday, i woke up early to go to a rehearsal at church for the choir. we sang a cantata in the service the next day, sooo i thought i might need to practice a little if my mom was going to recruit me to sing in the choir. after that i didn't really do much the rest of the day.
yesterday was the performance of the cantata. it went really well, though i screwed up once and added "and" on "go tell it on the mountain". bad habits are hard to break. it was actually pretty cool to sing in the choir, now that my skills have gotten better. i might do it more often.
and today... wow, today. it was awesome. i went up to prospect to meet up with mr. b. i haven't seen him since september, and i really missed him. we hung out there for a while, because he had a few errands to do. then we went to lunch at lowell st. cafe. he had a $5 gift certificate. i insisted i would pay... the bill was $4.77. hahahaha. then we went to oakwood. his students didn't come today because they're doing the holiday parties and all that. we had a serious conversation about education. he's frustrated because his students at oakwood are not on the same level as windsor or prospect, and the administration is wondering why. well, obviously because the entire demographic of the school is different, and what might work in one place just doesn't in another. after hanging out there for a while, we went to eastern heights for their band concert. i got to see my band teacher, science teacher, and history teacher. it was so weird being back there after not being there for almost four years. i was worried mr. b (different than the band mr. b) wouldn't remember me... but he actually called me by my first name! and gave me a hug. i didn't realize how much i missed him and the rest of that school until i actually walked in. so wierd how much comes back to you. i went down to the band room after the concert, and boy it was so wierd. after we left the school, i gave mr. b his present.
yay for christmas! yay for break!

pick me up love, from the bottom

yes i know it's been three weeks since i've posted a blog. honestly i just haven't been turned on to the idea of writing and i've been lazy and too busy. it's this time of year where all the profs try to cram in that one last project or paper or something. i am in the midst of finishing a 9 page paper, writing an original composition, playing a piece on trumpet and piano, preparing a presentation for a movie in my education class, writing another assignment for education, preparing for the proficiency test in skills, re-doing my test in music history, and working on stuff for my piano final. this is all taking place in the next week and a half. i am SO counting down to the 16th because that will mean that i am done, i can go home and never see this hell of a semester again.

besides all the work and craziness, i have to say that this is close to being my favorite semester yet. i finally feel comfortable, i have friends all over, i feel independent and i have the guts to do stuff i didn't think i could. i have learned to manage my time and am on top of everything (for the most part).

so i went home for thanksgiving. not that special. i mean, i loved being able to see my friends and family, but there was some drama at my grandmother's house when we went for thanksgiving dinner and i saw just how dysfunctional my family really was. on the other hand, my grandma has started going through all her pictures, and it was so awesome because she has original pictures dating back to the 1870s. can you believe that?! i saw pictures of my great-great-great grandmother. almost unfathomable. i think when i go home for christmas i will help her with sorting through some of them.

this past week was just crazy. i got charged for overloading on credits - almost $1100 dollars. and on top of that, they're getting rid of the Pell grant, so there goes about $2000 of my tuition. So even though i got the credits thing fixed (the registrar's office had made a mistake...) i am still going to be short about $2300 for next semester. i mean, it could be a lot worse, considering full tuition and room and board is $45,000, but still. i don't have $2300 just laying around... let alone $23. so that financial stuff on top of all the stress of finals just sucks. i just feel sad today.

on one good note, though, i finished my trumpet lessons for this year today! no lessons until january 18th, praise the gods. and we had our band concert this past sunday, so i don't have band until next year either. i'll finally have my tuesday and thursday nights back. not that i'll really be using them for things other than homework and papers and crap...

blah blah blah. i hate those days where you feel melancholy and you don't know why. well, that's a lie, i kind of do know why but it involves someone else and i guess i should just never get my hopes up in the first place because i always come out of it feeling bummed. ugggh. but i do feel melancholy. yeah, i like that word, deal with it.

ooh! we got snow this morning. about freakin' time.

ugh, i just want to go home right now. the band concert on sunday depressed me kind of too, because there were maybe three people that i knew that came, two of them professors. it's just hard to perform for people i don't know... and then i get bummed because people i want to come and look for don't come at all.

i miss northern ohio. i miss walking down the street to my old schools. i miss my friends. and my family. i miss the roads being plowed every two hours because of the snowfall. i miss making snow forts with jessica. i miss singing songs while walking home from school. i miss my dad. and my mom. and my brother. I MISS MY BED. i miss benford. i miss not having to shower with flipflops on. i miss not having to pay quarters to do my laundry. i miss having a boyfriend. i miss my old teachers. i miss walking around downtown. i miss the library. i miss RALPH. i miss making odd concoctions for dinner because i'm too lazy to actually cook anything. i miss practicing my trumpet in my room and my dad coming in to ask me some stupid question. i miss shopping with my mom. i miss sleeping over at jessica's house. i miss sleepovers in general. i miss everything right now.

wow, sorry. melancholia makes me nostalgic.

let's hope i'm in a better mood the next time i write.

dark dizzy merry-go-round

hey, it's only been two weeks since i posted! i'm getting better - at least it's not almost a month since :P

so. in the past two weeks, the biggest thing that's happened to me is going to chicago. yeah, chicago. the art league offered a trip - $35 for the hostel and admission to two art museums. lauren loves that city, so she convinced me to go and i am happy i went. apart from the people we had to spend time with: the art majors that were in charge of the trip were really rude and condescending and not open at all. i mean, if you didn't want us on this trip, don't offer it to everyone. so we had to spend two 6 hour trips in the car with them... ooh it was frosty lol. but apart from that, lauren and i pretty much just wandered around the city by ourselves. we did the usual touristy stuff:

the bean



navy pier



i took this on navy pier too. it's probably one of the best shots i've gotten in a while



john hancock observatory



caught a comedy club



generally caused shenanigans



and saw some really cool art





so yeah. that was definitely an awesome time. i want to go back! there are so many things i haven't seen.

since then, i've just been doing schoolwork and more schoolwork. i am fairly well caught up on everything, it's just a lot to do all the time. i have finalized my schedule for next semester, everything is the same except the gym: i'm taking bowling for credit instead xD i'm so stoked lol

so today, five of us music ed. majors went to indianapolis. the Bands of America semi-finals were today, so we took advantage of free tickets through MENC (music educators national conference). too bad we got there late, couldn't find the ticket booth and went all around the stadium until an hour later where the lady in charge was finally contacted. it was ridiculous. first of all, the indy colts stadium is fricking huge! and the bands... oh the bands. i have never seen that caliber of marching band. makes the ehspmb shrivel in comparison. i can't believe the time and money put into these competitions. such elaborate sets and costumes and themes oh my god. i'm actually chatting with brenda right now online and she's already talking to me like i'm going to get the ehspmb director position and if i'll compete. HAHA. with the way things are going, i'll be really relieved to get a freaking JOB. i'm actually working on a marching band project right now for my class. we have to chart the drill for a halftime song. i'm doing Takin' It To The Streets. i know, how original, but i already had it in one of the pitches for my shows so i just decided to use it. i can't wait to finish it!

so anyway. i think this is it for this post. bai!

f minor = millipedes.

blah blah blah i suck at posting. yeah, i know.

nothing major has been going on, really. basically, the biggest thing that's happened recently is going to the symphony. the springfield symphony had a concert this past saturday night, and the music department gets tickets for free, so hey why not take advantage of that. they played two pieces by beethoven, and a piece by a contemporary composer named lowell liebermann. that was definitely my favorite, by far. our piano professor, dr. d, played the piano solo in the concerto.



i was so impressed. i mean, not that i was expecting crap, but i had no idea what to expect and it was amazing. dr. d played a little for us in our class from the last movement, and putting it together with the rest of the orchestra fit so well! we actually got to meet the composer; he came to the area on tuesday, and talked at wittenberg on wednesday and friday.



it was really neat to get his insights into his job - he writes full time on commission. that's all he does - write music. unbelievable. the whole night was just nice to get out, get a little dressed up, and enjoy some really spectacular music.

the rest of the weekend was okay. rachel and i took a trip to michigan to take her friend to her boyfriend's. it's only about three hours from here to michigan, i thought it was a lot longer. guess i'm just used to coming from elyria. sat in a car for about 6 hours... jammed to a lot of songs! haha.



lauren and i also went bowling this weekend. i hadn't bowled in such a long time, and i did pretty well considering the circumstances. my best was 136, which is impressive for me!



but this cop kept following us and watching us the whole time, and it was so annoying because we weren't doing anything remotely suspicious, so why waste your time on us when the drunken hillbillies next to us almost got in a fight, and the wanna-be gangster pre-teens on the other side of us were trying to be cool and practically slid down half the lane. ugh, it's so annoying. can't i enjoy anything without being stereotyped or prejudiced against?!

anyway...

just waiting until i can go up with lauren to the gym to play raquetball. i need the exercise. though i have lost weight, 'cause i got to go down a size in the new jeans i bought!

oh! my friend katalin asked me a wonderful question today, and i think i'm going to try to end every blog with it from now on. she asked: "what's the most beautiful thing you've seen/experienced today?"

so - in music history today, we're talking about the end of the renaissance and into the baroque era, and we listened to an english composer. he started using different intervals of thirds and sixths, rather than just fifths and octaves. the harmony was incredible! it was all i could do not to close my eyes and drown in it.

so there. my little moment. yay!

in case you were wondering about the title of this blog, i'll tell you. today in piano, we were practicing our minor scales. we just happened to be running through f minor, and when we were done with scales, dr. d randomly launched into a story about how he has millipedes in his house and he had to kill one. he said they were the cutest of all the insects, and that my fingers playing the f minor scale reminded him of millipedes. it was just really funny, 'cause we had finished the scale and were waiting to go on when he jumpes into this really random segue!! that's definitely one i'm going to remember.

until next type.....

khaki

i really wish i were in elyria tonight to see straight no chaser.

it's hard being away from home sometimes. i talked to my mom on the phone last night and for some reason i seriously got choked up when i was talking to her. you would think that it would get easier to be away from home since i'm not new at it anymore... but sometimes when things are tough and i'm stressed and unmotivated, my family and friends are the ones that rejuvinate me. and they're not here.

i just watched the movie "Shrink". it's with kevin spacey. (i know all of you are rolling your eyes at me right now...) but i think it's a really great movie. it's about a therapist who is dealing with his own issues so he can't/doesn't deal with his patients'. it's a thought-provoking movie, kind of sad, and the ending is vague... but for this kind of movie it works.

last night lauren and i went out. we pretty much made the run of campus... started out at one corner at burger king. i didn't realize how big whoppers really were. after that we went to the beta house for their "rave". lost epically at my game of pong; at least we didn't have to do a naked run. by the time we got there most people had left to go to the bar, so we didn't stay long. when we left beta, we went to our friend jared's house. by that time everyone was pretty worn out... so we didn't stay very long there either. lauren came back to my room with me and we played war for an obscene amount of time. didn't go to bed until about 3. maybe later, i wasn't really paying attention to the time, haha.

i've just been kind of sitting around today. got some homework done, and i'm starting to work on my marching band project - we have to pitch three band shows, pick the music, and pick the guard costumes. i am so excited!!

well, the buckeyes just won, so now i have to find something else to watch on tv. until next time.

under the table

i am so frustrated.

is there no hope for me?!

cannot i not find one decent male who's not a creeper or a freak?!?!



anyway. three days until the weekend!
lauren and i are going shopping tomorrow afternoon. i'd like to get some new cute tops.
today was decent, i guess. tuesdays aren't my favorite, and thank god i have these classes only two days a week. i have to start off at 8:30 in the morning... and i am NOT a morning person. but brien and i went to get chinese today, so that was awesome, haha. string methods was okay. i was trying my damndest not to fall asleep in that class, and i could totally tell brien was struggling too. after that, i have my child development class where we take notes for an hour and a half. funnnnnnnnn. and then band, so that's an hour and a half gone again right there. i've got a test tomorrow in history, and it really shouldn't be difficult. trudy faber recruited me to play with the handbell choir, because they need another person in the bass since the girl who's there now isn't very good apparently. that's another hour tomorrow afternoon, but i'm really excited about it. trudy seems to like me anyway, which is helpful, lol.

umm.... what else is important enough to post...

not much, haha.

i'm just trying to stay afloat.

it's not your size, it's how hard you try!

that's what she said.
actually, that's what benford said.

anyhoo...

i got back from my weekend home earlier this evening. it was so nice to be home with my parents and friends, albeit for just a few days. friday night brenda and i gave the east side a serenade of the alumni band music, we played outside over at east rec! and tried to play softball...but i realized my depth perception goes wayyyyy down when it starts to get dark. saturday i woke up early to go to alumni band practice; we finalized the last drill and had a few run-throughs. jessica showed up and i was so thrilled because i haven't seen her in a long time. after practice, benford, jessica and i went out to lunch. i really enjoyed having a real conversation with benford; two weeks ago when i was home for the funeral it was mostly just a "hi how are you" kind of thing, but this time we actually got to talk about some real stuff. he paid for lunch, which is not going to happen again. after lunch, i went home and relaxed for a few hours before having to go up to the stadium again for alumni band. we ran through the drill once more, and i felt pretty good about things. we were first to preform because we're the old farts, and except for a few spots, the show went really well. the crowd loved it, at least which is what we're all about. i got a lot of compliments about the band, so that's cool. i was surprised at how well i personally played; it's been a while since i played in marching band style - loud and fast and obnoxious - and while i wasn't perfect, i thought things sounded pretty good. brittany and stephanie are trying to convince me to play drums next year. i really want to do it... but i don't want to desert the trumpet section since there are only four of us, haha.

today i went to church, got dragged into playing handbells again, saw a few people i hadn't seen in a REALLY long time, fell asleep in a meeting (it was my mom's meeting, i was over in the corner waiting for her), ate junk food at the apple festival, and took the three hour drive back down here. i am so tired. as soon as i finish this, i am going to bed. honestly. pathetic... but seriously.

so... another thing...
there's this guy.

inbox: 1

four hours ago i hated my life. i hated everything. i wanted to punch things.

three minutes ago?

i have a smile and upcoming plans.

therefore; poetry.

----------------------------------------------
inbox: 1

funny how the mood can change
with a simple click of the mouse.

angry at the world;
hating humanity;
kicking puppies;

what can i do to bring things back from the edge?
bitch, moan, complain to mom.
grasping in the dark
for something cheerful
in a heartless world.

alas;
i have mail.

two sentences.

i smile.
-------------------------------------------------

wrote that in about two minutes. totally not the best, but it was more of a stream-of-consciousness. whatevs. i now have something to look forward to.

love shaft

just a small update type thingamajig.

this past weekend was crazy shenanigans. i partied two nights in a row... badddddd life choice. friday night was really fun. i went to my friend jared's house, we played innumerable games of pong and watched a movie. met some cool people, including this guy who asked me if i had a boyfriend. ummm... what? he's a freshman, seems pretty cool i guess. whatevs. saturday, i went to wilmington ohio with lauren. she sang at this festival (got $125 for an hour of singing :O) and i worked her sound for her. it was pretty sweet actually, reminded me alot of the fair. we came up with the great idea of jazz trumpet/jazz singer, since she loves to sing jazz and two heads are better than one! ;) then that night, we went to brien's house for yet another marathon. things were sooo damn crazy. his next door neighbors were doing a beer bong on the porch, which i was NOT cool with because cops were driving by like every 15 minutes. i started to feel pretty crappy towards the end of the night because i was catching a cold, so went home. later that night, i ended up getting sick in my dorm room. now i know it wasn't cause i was hungover or anything... but i felt like i was dying. when i got up later on sunday, i seriously felt like i was clinging to the edge of the cliff. i got sick again...called my mom and cried to her cause i hate getting sick away from home. did absolutely nothing all day besides nap and watch tv/movies. when i went to bed, i seriously thought i had swine flu. i was laying there just thinking "i have swine flu, i know it, i'm dying". monday i got up and i felt mildly better, and have steadily gotten better since then. my visit to the health center was a complete waste of my time; they told me to buy benadryl, mucinex and sudafed. wow, great work. since then, i've just been doing classes and work. i seem to be on top of everything pretty well right now, and for that i'm grateful. we had marching band techniques class today, and i don't know what it is but i always leave that class so energized and excited. i looooove it. we talked about the fundamentals of marching today, so we got to demonstrate what we were familiar with. :D lauren and i are going to have our own little "show and tell" tonight with our band dvds. and right now i'm just chilling until 3, when the student recital is going to start. i have to record it, which is sweet cause i can put it on my work time card. and then lauren and i are going to watch toy story. don't judge me... sometimes you just need some disney in your life. but i think that's it for now... probably won't write for another week haha.

till then... xoxo

09-09-09-09-09-09

well things have been really eventful the past few days.

where i left off... last friday... it was the funeral service for my great aunt. i got to see my uncles, her sons, that i hadn't seen for a really long time. like my uncle jim, he's the stereotypical crazy uncle, but he lives in canada so i get to see him once every five years or so. after the service, there was a luncheon and my cousin finally got into town. he's the one that has been in iraq, and he came to ohio to see the family. it was the first time i had seen him, cause the family got together last sunday but obviously i couldn't be there. his daughter, emma, is now six freaking years old... the last time i saw her she was 18 months. it was kind of cute actually, mom and i went to my grandma's the next day cause that's where cevan and emma are staying. we went out to the cemetary to visit my grandfather, cause cevan wanted to. as soon as i got there, emma asked me to watch her ride a two-wheeled bike. from then on, she didn't leave my side the rest of the night.



when we went to the cemetary i had a little moment. i know emma is still little, and she doesn't really understand the wieght of a place like a cemetary. i told her not to step on the gravestones, and she was actually really careful watching where she stepped. we walked around the area where my grandfather is buried, and i helped her read the names of people. i thought it was really cool... i mean, how often are all those people thought about? but for a few seconds we thought about them and their life and family. we finally got to my family's area. i am kind of ticked off... apparently the cemetary staff BROKE my grandfather's headstone. when they buried my other great aunt earlier this summer, they use this pulley machine on wheels, like a mini crane, to lower the casket into the ground. well, some dumbass didn't watch where they were going and drove over the headstone... and BROKE IT. IT'S FREAKING GRANITE. wouldn't one think to check those kinds of things out first before doing something???? ugggggggggh. so later that day, most of the crew went to the high school football game. it was their first home game, so there were a lot of people there. it was actually a great game, we won 34 to 20, with three interceptions. after the game and the post-game band shakedown, we went to stephanie's house for a bonfire. hilarity ensued. we were all pretty hyper, and there are quite a few interesting pictures to prove it.



a few of us stayed the night after the fire... meranda, kelly, brittany, steph and i. five people in a tiny room... wow that was interesting. stephanie and i ended up sharing a twin bed, haha. we watched hunchback of notre dame and i am so TICKED cause i fell asleep when they were in the court of miracles. i absolutely love that movie. in fact, i'm listening to the soundtrack right now. great orchestration.

saturday was already discussed...

sunday i went to church, lunch, and then packed up my stuff. we headed back to campus around 3ish and got back around 6.

the past few days have been uneventful for classes... however, last night was extremely crazy. while in band, this giant thunderstorm rumbled through the area. when we got out of band, it was raining crazy hard. a few of us living in myers called escort, and when we tried to run into the street we had to jump over 7 inches of a freaking river. i think that's what you'd call a flash flood. i went to hollenbeck because we were going to have a fishing club meeting, and i met savannah in the math workshop. while i was there, the power went out. yeah. people were in there doing physics by cell phone light XD talk about dedication! there were only the emergency light strips on in the buildings, so i sat in the doorway to get light from the hall in order to do my homework. after about an hour, the power came back on. oh, and i didn't know this at the time, but myers hall was hit by lightning last night!! how cool!!!! but the rest of the night was calm, i finally got my homework done at like 1am, lol.

today was pretty tame... classes were shortened because of opening convocation, so 45 minutes instead of an hour. lauren and i got chinese instead of going to convo, LOL! i had theory this morning, and a very interesting fact happened while we were in there: 09-09-09-09-09-09. the ninth day of the ninth month of 2009 at 9:09am and 9 seconds. how many times would that ever happen?!?! it was so funny because dr. b even set an alarm a few seconds before so he could count it down. when his alarm went off, he jumped up and told us to be quiet. i thought there was a bomb or something! but hey, it was pretty cool though. he was actually in a good mood today, not the tyrant like usual.

right now i'm just relaxing until i have to go back to krieg to work for an hour. glad i'm getting some money... and i'm happy i've gotten caught up on all my work. i just need to read a chapter or two for my child development class.

anyway, i think that's the end of my post for now. i gotta finish the rest of my hunchback soundtrack!

god, i just realized how emo sounding that last post was. sorry.

if i were giant-sized

well today didn't go as well as planned.

benford emailed me last night... one of his friends was killed last night and we wasn't coming to school today. i figured out it was the same guy that was in the newspaper, who was in the ATV accident in eaton township. as much as i'm really disappointed not to be able to learn how to write a drill with him... i just can't feel that way. i've been thinking about him a lot today. i can't even believe what that must be like, to lose a friend so suddenly. i don't want to think about it. half of me really wants to call him up, and the other half doesn't want to talk to him for a while. so, it looks like things won't work out...again...

stephanie, brittany and i went to thursday night practice tonight. i was kind of excited to go, to see what's going on, but once i got there, i just felt sad. i know things change and we all need to move on... but that band means so much to me and it's so different and it breaks my heart. stephanie and i were talking about ex-boyfriends, and junior high, and all that past stuff, and part of me really wants to just go back a few years. i wish i still felt that totally comfortable feeling, that ownership i had of my school and hometown. i mean, i feel like i am a part of wittenberg, but it's not really *mine* yet. and elyria, there are so many changes going on i hardly recognize it sometimes. it's wierd to think that this is the last generation of band kids that will know me... the sophomores that i taught are graduating this year. after that, i really will have no place there. i mean, i already feel awkward being there at practice, and it'll get even more awkward.

another thing that makes me feel sad is what stephanie said earlier at their practice - you can tell that they're pruning mr. k to be the next director. i mean, it's apparent. he's already gotten to write a drill for pete's sake. and a little part of me died when she said that (no offense, steph, if you're reading this). but i always had this hidden fantasy that I would be the next director. i would follow and carry on the murray-benford mentality. i know it's so far-fetched... but a little part of me i tucked away always had the vision of being next-in-line. and i guess it's just not going to work that way. i know i'm kind of being selfish, and i really like mr. k and i think he'll be awesome... but i still can't help but feel a little disappointed.

tomorrow morning i have to face reality once again. my great aunt is being interred tomorrow. i hate it. i hate being away from home when this sort of thing happens. when my mom called me with the news that she passed away... it was all i could do not to completely fall apart. i hate the fact that my whole family was together for the first time in in i don't know when (my cousin is home from iraq) and i wasn't even there. i will obviously get to see them tomorrow, for which i am grateful. but two days later i have to turn around and go three hours away again. on top of my great aunt, one of my friend's mothers passed away, and so did benford's friend. so i've been thinking of them all along with my own family. it's so difficult to not curl up into a little ball and disappear for a while. that's what i really want to do - just go to bed for a few days and hide. i don't even know what to do with myself. ugggh. hopefully tomorrow will be better because then i'll be with my friends and i can just forget about it for a while. writing poems doesn't even help anymore.

all you need is, what is you need is, love

so i'm just going to nerd it out a little bit. if you don't want to read my nerdiness... feel free to skip this one.

so i came home a day earlier than originally planned, because we have an alumni band for people who were in marching band and want to make a comeback. it's always percieved as the "has-been wanna-be's", and i'll admit i called them that at one time too. but since i've been in it... i'm not gonna lie, i really like it. it's got the aspects of marching band that i loved, and you don't have the jackasses there like you would in regular high school. (well, i mean you still have jackasses... but that's a different story.) anyway, tonight was one of our practices so i made it to this one. i got the music for our show - we're playing at parade of bands in two weeks. we put one of the pieces to the field, and learned it all in like, an hour. granted, it's nothing of the caliber of what i'm used to. but it satisfies my marching band fix just enough.
i finally got to see benford. FINALLY. it's been almost three months since i had seen him. i feel kinda bad though, 'cause i was going back to brenda's car to get my glasses, he was walking towards the field, and i tackled him, really hard lol. i like plowed my shoulder into him... a little rough. whoops.
so he and i talked afterward, cause i wanted to know what his schedule was like the next couple of days since i am obviously home. well, he hasn't started band yet because the elementary schools just started classes this week. so tomorrow he has really nothing to do... so he asked me if i was free tomorrow. and then pointed at his drill charts.
yes, that's correct.
i am meeting up with benford tomorrow and we are going to sit down and chart a drill for the alumni band to march to in the parade of bands.
an entire song.
oh. my. bloody. god.

I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED.

i mean, this is what i've wanted to do for a long time. and i am finally going to be able to put things on a field and see people march them.

i cannot express my joy.

i know it's a really nerdy thing... but look. this is what i love. so if you can't respect that i'm doing something that is totally fulfilling for me, then get a life. i don't need you. things have gotten better since i came to college, people don't judge me because of my major or stuff like that. which is nice.

okay. done.

your line my line whose line?

finally, the first week of classes is done.

finally.

i was actually pretty pleased with how things went. my string methods class looks to be more work than is really necessary. and my education class is going to give me carpel tunnel, taking notes for an hour and a half. but other than that, i really love my classes. dr. b is actually acting like a human being... shocking, i know. and kazez... well, it's still kazez. i've got some reading and work to do, but thankfully it's nothing too heavy yet.

one thing i am kind of surprised about is how busy i am outside of class. now that there are more people on campus that i know, more people hang out with me. it's kind of cool actually, i don't have to eat by myself in the cdr. and another thing that blows my mind - a kid from elyria high is going here now too! he graduated last year and i know of him because he was in choir and stuff in high school, so we sometimes ran into each other with my band geekedness in the music office too. it's kind of nice actually, to see someone from a familiar place.

rachel and i went to see pocket lint tonight. for those that don't know, it's a comedy troupe on campus and they do a lot of games similar to whose line is it anyway. and if any of you remotely know me, you know that i LOVE whose line. so this was absolutely perfect. all the actors were really great, spot on and funny of course. if i had more time, i would TOTALLY do it. alas - so is the life of a music major.

oh hey, i think my movie is done loading.

done for now!

my favorites

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

fisherman's feast

note to self - don't ever play Whose Line Is It Anyway videos in the music office... dr. schubert walked in right as ryan was saying, "take a look at my testicles!" so naturally it was a little awkward.

so i've cried twice in three days. yesterday afternoon my mom called before our marching band techniques class and told me that my great aunt died. i don't even know why it hit me that hard - i haven't seen her in over a year, and yet i was balling in the lounge. and then had to go into class still snuffling and teary. god it was bad. i asked off work for the rest of the day, thank goodness that marching band was my last class. so basically i went back to my dorm and tried to concentrate on homework or whatever but it didn't really work. thankfully lauren and brien and i hung out for a while last night so i could be distracted and not by myself. i might have to miss a couple days of school because i am going to go home for the funeral. not sure if it's going to be this weekend or next week.

ugh i am not a fan of tuesdays and thursdays. first of all, i have to wake up to be at class at 8 frickin 30 in the morning. then i have three hours to kill before i get to sit through mrs. stamguts strings methods. and then - i get to take notes for an hour and a half in my education class about child development.

tonight savannah and i played racketball for about an hour, and then went back to her dorm and colored. coloring therapy really helps sometimes. so that's our thursday routine.

thank GOD tomorrow is friday. and then the weekend. catch up on some sleep... catch up on some homework...relax a little... ahhhhh.

gotta go read about bach and handel... yay...

was i a fool to think?

today was the first day of classes, things went well, nothing majorly awesome so i won't waste time talking about all that nonsense.

what i wanted to write about may seem inconsequential to most people... but for some reason it really affected me.

i went to play racketball with lauren and brien this evening. we played for almost 2 hours, and you can bet all of us were pretty pooped after we finished. so we decided to go to sonic to get something to cool down.
on the way, lauren was fiddling with her ipod and came across the song Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked. i'm not very familiar with the song or play, so i just kind of listened. but brien and lauren totally belted it out, sing like no one's listening kind of stuff. so we're just cruising along, jamming to the song and heading to sonic.

and all of a sudden - i'm crying.

first of all, i don't like crying in front of people so i hardly ever do it. and i'm uncontrollably leaking tears. wtf?! i mean, it's like the quintessential college picture... playing some game with your best buddies, singing your hearts out to a fantastic song in the car, and on your way to get ice cream. i think if someone could have taken a picture at that moment we could have marketed it and made billions!

i think part of it is that some emotional stuff has happened in the recent past, and i didn't really ever cry about stuff. oh yeah i cursed and kicked things and pouted and vowed revenge and became nostalgic and sad, but i realized that earlier tonight i was crying tears of fricking JOY.

it really shook me.

sorry, i just really had a "girl" moment, as katalin would say, i just needed to write it down i think. i'm still shaking my head.

jeez life is complicated.

brown chicken brown cow

just wanted to write a short update...

training finished last tuesday, and i got my official t-shirt and "it's not about me" button. i still need to attach it to my bookbag.

wednesday was awesome - we met with the ra's in the morning, which was kinda pointless because nobody really knew what we were supposed to be talking about, and then we had the rest of the day free. i took my scholarship check over to financial aid, picked up my books, and deposited my personal checks. savannah and i went to walmart to pick up a few various things.

thursday, the freshmen came. oh god the freshmen. it wasn't as bad as last year... instead of everyone coming at the same time, it was more spaced out. i handed everyone their "new student days" packet, which was cool because i met practically every freshman that came to ferncliff hall. the rest of the day i just kind of sat around, watched a movie, relaxed, etc. had to go to a hall meeting that night to introduce ourselves as peer helpers to the ferncliff freshmen.

friday... hmm, what did i do friday. well i slept in really late, which was awesome. went for a late lunch with katalin, and we chatted until we were the last ones in the cdr, haha. then i just hung around again. it's really nice to not have anything to do!!! lauren came over friday night and we hung out for a long time. she didn't leave until like 2am.



as you can clearly see, we are goofballs.

saturday was mostly spent in anticipation of diko getting here. i mean, its nice to have a room all to yourself, but i missed her! she's a good friend, and i was so excited for her to come. finally, about 5:30, she got onto campus so i helped her move in and get our room organized.



it's very pink. pink carpet, pink chair, pink closet organizers... ahhhhh. later that night, after diko gave up trying to iron all her clothes, we went to see "I Love You, Man" in commencement hollow. it was an alright movie... funny and immature... typical, you know. we met up with some of the international students and got to see their apartment. didn't get home until like 12am, lol.

today we went to brunch with a few friends and then went to target and payless. picking up various things... got a mirror, fan, diko got a desk lamp and more hangers. finally finished watching When Harry Met Sally, which i've been trying to see for like two days and every time something comes up and i can't finish it.

well we're going to have a 6th floor girls reunion tonight, so this'll be it for now.

updates soon on classes!!

you can't float on snow

this post is going to be super long, so i feel like i need to preface it with an "it's okay to skim" disclaimer.

listening to: The Stone, DMB
Up And Away, DMB
Boris The Spider, The Who
Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Queen
Jurassic Ark, The Ringling 5
Christmas Medley, RENT
Drive In, Drive Out, DMB
Don't Stand So Close To Me, The Police

in just the past week, things have changed so radically. last monday was my birthday, and it passed without much fanfare. i went to dinner with my brother, which was really awesome.

tuesday i didn't do anything but pack. i got ALL my clothes into one suitcase, i was so impressed with myself. i knew i took too many clothes last year, so i really tried to be conservative. my suitcase still weighed a ton.

wednesday mom and i went out to eat lunch with my grandma. i love spending time with my grandma. she told us about my aunt ethel, who is in the hospital in florida. she's had a blood clot, cracked a few ribs, and now has a "mass" in her side, whatever that means. unfortunately it doesn't look like there is much time left. sad sad sad face. and then.... more packing.

thursday was the best day ever. i went to lunch with my sister in law and mom at red lobster, YUM. after that, i met up with kelly to go to east rec for old times sake.



it was kinda awkward cause two of the lifeguards i knew from school and they didn't like talk to us or anything... we were just like, ohhey we're here to swim... after that we went to brenda's for an AWESOME dinner - chicken parmesan, salad and bread...yummy yummy yummy!!!!



then we went to steph's house for a bonfire and ice cream cake. holy crap it was amazing. the crunchies and fudge are the best.



then we stoked the fire and played apples to apples. oh good times. apples to apples is definitely my favorite game.



friday, i visited Moen to see the marching band. it was alright. very wierd to be there without knowing many people... the last "generation" that i taught is graduating this year. later in the day, i met up with my pastor and we had a really good talk. it's so nice that i have someone i can go to and talk to. i feel better about a lot of things. friday afternoon, i went to jessica's house and hung out with her and her mom until the library lock-in. i felt exceedingly old, because it was mostly like junior high kids, but it was still fun with jess. and so saturday morning i came home ridiculously early and sleep deprived. i took a few naps, haha, and packed up the rest of my stuff and the car.

sunday morning i got on campus a little after 10, unpacked relatively quickly, and had lunch with my mom. surprisingly i didn't cry at our goodbye. savannah and i headed up to peer helper training. the first day was mostly about getting to know the others and techniques of how to get to know people. i was really exhausted yesterday and went to bed before 11, haha.

today we talked about conversation, questions, non-verbal cues, and helping a person make a decision. many of the things we talked about are really helpful and i'll definitely be able to use them. we finished training early, which was REALLY awesome. finished a little before 7.

and here i am! relaxing in my dorm room, jammin' to some good tunes, getting ready to go to bed. tomorrow i have to be up early again... looks like i won't be able to sleep in for a while but wednesday we only have one thing scheduled and it's in the morning, so i have the rest of the day to take care of all the other things i have to do.

i called benford tonight and he actually answered! we had a really great conversation. we talked about my starting a pep band of some sort on campus, and i am really going to work on it. just think how that would look on my resume!! i've noticed recently that he is talking to me more like an equal, and dare i say, a colleague, rather than a student. he was telling me things about marching band and directors and all kinds of stuff. and it wasn't the goofy, random stuff that we usually discuss. this conversation had a point and it went somewhere. and the more i learn i find i can talk to him almost like a colleague too. gosh, imagine what that would be like, to call him a colleague someday. gosh! and he made me aware again that that is realistically only three years away. three years from now i could potentially be starting my own classroom. scary to think about.

so overall, things have been fantastic. i'm back at school, loving it, and looking forward to so many things. hopefully i'll be able to write again soon, keep things updated.

adios for now!

i'm wondering

i haven't done anything of real excitement the past couple of days... i helped at my church's food pantry yesterday, which makes me feel good. people from the county can come and depending on the number of people they are getting food for, we will give them all kinds of pantry items, from canned food to drinks to pasta. i helped people as they walked through the shelves, picking what they wanted and how much they could have. everyone i helped was so appreciative and kind. one man in particular, it was his first time there and he was obviously mexican or puerto rican or something. i got to take him through the pantry. he said to me - "i can't speak english so good. it's hard for me." and i just told him he was fine, i was trying to help. it just about broke my heart. he was getting food for six people. SIX! and that just makes me think of all the people out there who aren't getting help, don't know about these things. another lady came through, and i recognized her from various hot meals and things with other churches downtown. she was just getting food for herself. she told me that she was having trouble finding a job, but was "doing the Lord's work". and i realized -- those couple of days helping in the food pantry have meant more to me than all the sunday mornings sitting in church. i've always kind of had trouble with the miracles and the healings and all that... i like to think jesus was more of an ancient pete seeger, singing about love and peace and that good stuff. it's hard for me to believe in something i have no connection to, besides blind faith. i mean, i know that's what church is all about, but it's tough for me. but the food pantry gives me something concrete to hold on to. i feel like i can really make a difference, i can really DO something. we all graduated high school, had all these dreams of changing the world, going out and doing grand things. but what have any of us really accomplished? what have I accomplished? went to school, paid too much money for education, took some classes. whoo hoo. but right now - this very second - not in four years, when i graduate with a piece of paper and start looking for a job -- right now -- i can help people. just by simply showing up at my church in the morning and giving some cans of food to anyone who walks through the door.

that's all.

i am getting ready to go on a "cheering up" mission.

peace!

up and away

Updates!!

wednesday was the dave matthews band. holy crap it was sooooo amazing.



i have no words. i still sound like a man because i was screaming and singing and cheering and all that. i fell in love with dave matthews band all over again. i know that sounds wierd, but all i have been listening to is Dave. :)




thursday, for once i actually didn't have plans to do something. however, brittany texted me and asked if i was interested in going to see harry potter at the drive in. So i texted the rest of the crew, and only collin responded. it ended up being collin, brittany and i going to see the movie. firstly, i got us lost, because we took the wrong road and had to turn around. and - while we were turning around, collin had a little bit of trouble turning in a driveway, mistaking the gas and brake... let's just say he was really shaken up and there's a nice 6 inch scrape on the front of his bumper!! anyway, he finally turned on his gps (why he didn't do that to begin with is beyond me) and we got there alright. he actually paid for my ticket because i didn't have any cash, just plastic. the movie itself was alright. it was one of my favorite books, and i felt they could have done a LOT more with it. they left out a lot of backstory which i think is kind of important to the whole thing. Not that it was bad... it just could have been better. ah well. collin took us home, and for not having any plans and dreading being bored at home, things turned out pretty well.

friday, jessica took me to an indians game. her dad got tickets from his work for club seats. and holy crap, that's like a whole new world to me! i had no idea there was this giant room with buffet lines, and you can just go up and get whatever you want. they had everything from pork loin to pasta to burgers, fries and hotdogs. they even had their own ice cream line!! we were kind of weary there for a while, because wood let up two runs in the 9th inning, so we went into extra innings. and FIVE hours later, the indians won, 6 to 5!



i was screaming when they got that final hit. after the game, they had a tribute to Tom Hamilton, who has been a radio announcer for the Tribe for 20 years now. they set fireworks to some of his greatest calls. i thought it was really cool cause those guys don't get a lot of credit but Hamilton is so likeable and one of the best announcers around. we headed home and i didn't get home until about 1:30.

saturday, my parents and i had plans to go to the racetrack because it was Night Under Fire. my poor dad wasn't feeling good so he ended up staying home, but my mom and i went and we had a really good time. my mom got to go down on the starting line for the first time with my sister-in-laws' brothers (they have dragsters). we pretty much spent the day roaming around and being in awe of all the cars and stuff, haha. we were worried that we would have to wait in line to get out of the parking lot for a while, but it wasn't too bad and we got home about 12:30.

and that's about it. this morning we got up to go to church... went to brunch... visited my grandma... i took a 3 hour nap... woo!!

drummers begin to drum

i don't really have much to say today, other than a few recent events. this older guy from church, we'll call him Mr. M, invited me to help him in the food pantry at our church today. so i said sure, why not. the church gets shipments from Second Harvest Food Banks and other places so we can stock our shelves. Today, we had a shipment from Red Lobster, giving us food that they didn't sell or was left over or whatever. I mean like, crab legs, scallops, a million potatoes... so we took all that and put it in the freezer. people started coming in at 9:30 to get food. depending on the number of people in their household, they can get so much food. i learned how to take people into the pantry and which shelves to take from. i also broke down cardboard boxes for a while, got grocery bags ready so people could use them to fill, and filed paperwork, because everyone who comes through has to have a form. i was really surprised how fulfilling it was. everyone who came for food was grateful, polite, and appreciative. one guy even said to me, "i really like coming here because everyone is so nice. the other churchs snip at me." and that means a lot to me. i'm still trying to figure out my faith things, but to be able to have a community of people who care about me and who truly want me around is a great feeling. everyone in the food pantry that was helping were so nice to show me the ropes and help me get comfortable with things. it made me feel like i was really doing something, not just sitting at home on my butt reading or something.

after we got done with the food pantry, Mr. M and I went to Oberlin because he just got two new kittens and went to bring them home today. they are soooooo adorable ---



that's heather and horatio. they're only about 8 weeks old i think, and their little mewling on the ride home just about melted me. i got to hold them on my lap in the carrying case to make sure they didn't jump out, but could still look around. we also went to lunch at this little deli in Oberlin called The Feve. i had a really great jerk chicken sandwich wrapped in a pita. it was really spicy but very very tasty. i'm going to have to go back to oberlin sometime. it's been a while since i've been there, and they've got a lot of new shops and things to do downtown. i absolutely love that town.

so anyway, here i am. i'm waiting for jessica to go home and shower and then ---- we're going to the Dave Matthews Band concert at Blossom tonight!!!!! I'm so excited!! hopefully it won't be too muddy, because it's rained a little bit today, but ahhhhhh it's gonna be great. ghiosahtewklavbalrlae;gfdslagfkbareawgfoafdklfjal hooya!!!!!

okay. that's all i have.
adios, muchachos.

don't forget to keep moving forward.

keep moving forward

so i realize i just suck at blogging. the past few weeks have been absolutely inSANE, and it's just now that i'm getting back to normal.
firstly, and most important - my brother FINALLY got married!!



it was suuuuuch an awesome day. we started out at becca's parents house, to get our stuff together and ride over in the limo together to the church. once we got to the church, everyone was flitting around making sure the last minute details were set, and before i knew it we were lining up to process into the church. i didn't trip, i made becca's dress appropriately frou-froued (that was my job) and everything went off without a hitch. matt and becca went out the old stone steps of our church, which was way cool. instead of rice or bubbles, we lit sparklers for them to go through to the limo. we went back inside the church to take pictures...



we also went over to the square to get professional pictures. we still had a bunch of time to kill before going to the reception, so we actually went to the bar because one of the groomsmen is a barman and they got a discount on all the alcohol. so we hung out there for a while.



finally, we got to the reception where lots of dancing



and frivolities



and fireworks to be had.






a week after the wedding, my family and i headed up north to canada, where we spent two weeks on a gorgeous lake.



most of the time was spent reading books and listening to music, taking naps and cooking. it was really great to spend a lot of time with my cousin, because ever since i went away to college i hadn't seen much of her besides holidays. we giggled a lot and made friendship bracelets the whole time.



the last day i got sick, some kind of stomach flu from my cousin, and i threw up three times in the cabin. it was not fun at all. hence, the car ride was hell because i couldn't put anything in my stomach. the adults got pizza for dinner that night at the motel, and i seriously had to leave the room because it smelled so good but i couldn't eat it. finally, the next morning i tried chicken nuggets because i was feeling better. they were the best chicken nuggets i have ever had in my entire life.





after we got home from canada, i just kind of layed around until yesterday. the EMC went to put-in-bay to spend the day together. i had such a fun time. we walked a hell of a lot, laughed, took lots of crazy pictures, and just basically enjoyed each other's company in the sunshine. we went to perry's monument, perry's cave, and the beach, not to mention in a lot of the stores.



after we got home, i spent the night at stephanie's house. Dawson stopped by and we watched Meet The Robinsons, which i had never seen before. and holy crap, i LOVE it. it was so funny and random and just up my alley. we finally fell asleep around 3am.

i'm going to really miss everybody when i go back to school.

today i got my trumpet back from being serviced, which is great because i haven't played in almost three weeks because of canada. i really need to get back into it, because knowing my teacher he'll be all nazi-ish the very first week.

tomorrow i'm going to help at my church's food pantry in the morning and then going to see Dave Matthews Band perform at Blossom!!! AHHHH!! i'm so excited!!

and then --- jessica called me today, and her parents have an extra ticket for the indians game on friday. get this - CLUB seats. super close to the field, and everything is included, the only thing that you have to buy is alcohol. ohmygosh i am SO pumped. if i'm not mistaken, it will also be Tom Hamilto appreciation day, which is uber awesome because he's my favorite announcer.

this summer has been one of the most fantastic times of my life. so many things to do, so many things to remember and appreciate and love.

and school is less than three weeks away! i bought a lot of my books today - $160 altogether except for my essential elements books. i think i made out pretty well. and hopefully i'm not going to have to make up any tuition this year - with my renewable scholarships, i might just about break even. maybe have to pay a couple hundred bucks. but when it's overall $43000, i'd say i'm doing pretty good.

well, i must wrap this up. my dad is hovering and it's kinda awkward.

+12.5

Things To Look Forward To:

.5) pool party tomorrow, *hopefully*
1) going to the racetrack this weekend
2) cedar point next tuesday
3) going to Blossom for a 4th of July concert
4) Buca DiBeppo's with the wedding party
5) The wedding. Had no clue i was a maid of honor.
6) packing for canada
7) leaving for canada
8) two weeks of vacation in canada
9) my cousin's wedding
10) dave matthews band concert at Blossom
11) median birfday
12) going back to school

down in the clear blue

i'm aware that i haven't posted a blog for a while. over a week, actually. a few eventful things happened.

firstly, i guess the biggest thing... my great aunt died last week. she'd been of failing health for a while, but an aneurism and a few strokes later, she passed away. the funeral was saturday morning. and i was fine until we went to the cemetery and buried her next to my grandfather. since i can count the number of times i've been to the cemetary on one hand, it brought up a whole bucket of emotions/grief that i honestly wasn't prepared to deal with. i still can't believe how poorly i handle that kind of thing. i can't believe it's been 6 years since he died.

i also went skinny dipping. like, hardcore. it was quite funny actually. COLD, too. there were four of us in the pool. at one point, brittany's neighbor came out and yelled at us. i mean, it was dark and she couldn't see anything, but i was trying so hard not to make a sound. and then somebody went on the deck and turned the motion sensor light on... so we all freaked out for like 10 minutes, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible while waiting for the light to go off. afterwards, we were all pretty freezing and hungry, so we went to Denny's. then we came back and learned the cup game from zoom in an hour. i've successfully passed it on to my cousins, too. then we watched liar liar (it's a goose!) and finally fell asleep between 4 and 5. woke up around 11 and got bitched out by brittany's mom because we apparently woke her up.

i've had a few interesting discussions about religion recently. the pastor who spoke at my aunt's funeral, rather than commemorating and celebrating aunt ruthie's life, talked all about finding forgiveness for our sins and accepting jesus christ as our savior. and if we didn't do that, then we wouldn't be going to heaven. it just rubbed me the wrong way. obviously i've made some bad decisions, but i don't necessarily consider them sins. and when i'm made to feel guilty - isn't there something wrong with that? i didn't realize religion was a guilt trip. i thought it was about loving and accepting and helping people out. not guilt. but i had a talk with my mom, and jessica, and a few people from church over brunch. it was wierd how energized and excited it got me. a few people from church always ask me when i'm going to seminary. even though it's not even remotely in my plans... it's still kind of intriguing. i have a lot more questions before i even begin to explore that route. and plus, i think music is the path for me. i can't really see myself pastoring to a church. there are sides of ministry that really interest me, and there are other parts that really turn me off. who knows. hopefully one day i'll figure all this out.

the other really giant thing i've found out/dealt with recently can't really be discussed here. it involves some deceit, questions, too many emotions, and choices. for fear of who could discover this... i'm going to keep it private. but i sure hope things are going to get better.

beyond a doubt

some of these days, you'll see what you've been missing.


so i really love technology right now. and that's NOT sarcasm. stephanie burned the "Beyond the Sea" soundtrack with Kevin Spacey, and it didn't work in my cd player so i was really bummed. but i put it in my laptop and i can finally listen to it! and i even copied the songs to my mp3 player. so that got me on a kick of adding new songs to my player. too bad it's kind of old and can only hold 68 songs, haha. oh well. at least i can cram my favorites on there.

hmm... let's see... what has my week consisted of...

tuesday i went up to my elementary school to see benford. i got to talk to him for a bit. i was trying to coordinate a surprise with him for jessica, but she figured it out. so she came up for a little bit. after a bit he had to go to one of his other schools so jessica and i went back to my house. my future sister in law picked us up to go out to strongsville and get our dresses fitted. they only had to take about 5 or 6 inches off the bottom of mine... yay... once we got back from that, jessica and i went BACK up to the elementary school because i found out that my second grade teacher is retiring this year. so i had to see her one last time. and we also saw my fifth grade teacher and another teacher. it was kind of wierd actually. to think that i spent so many years in that school and already am being forgotten. it's really depressing. so after that jess and i met up with her mom at Smitty's. yum yum.

wednesday, jessica and i went shopping for a picnic that was SUPPOSED to happen. buuuut someone got my number wrong, so while he left a message on some random person's voicemail, jess and i chilled at cascade park for like an hour waiting for him to show up. it kind of sucked. i was slightly ticked off, but i can't really hold it against him because he DID try to call. so then we went to smitty's AGAIN because jess wanted chicken paprikash. and the library again. and then we went to rocky river to see an advance showing of "The Proposal". it actually wasn't bad! i was kind of impressed. went back to steph's house for a mini fire afterwards, but it was frickin cold and nothing would catch fire because we've had so much frickin rain that everything is still wet. when is the summer sun going to come out?! didn't get home until like 1am. whatevs.

oh hey, today's thursday. woke up relatively early... like, 11:30 haha. got things coordinated to go out for ice cream with mrs. runion. we met up at the school and went to dairy queen. it was quite enjoyable. until i started talking about one of my teachers whom i saw shirtless... and it was NOT a pretty sight. sorry mr. barnes. (it's not what you think. he lives near me and i just happened to be passing the day he was outside doing yardwork...shirtless. aggg.) and mrs. runion ended up being a creeper and followed us all the way back across town. i hadn't realized how much i missed her this past year. so then jessica and i dropped people off... went to the library ONCE AGAIN, and went to taco bell for dinner. and i signed online and here i sit, five hours later.

gotta go up to the church tomorrow to set up things for saturday's shower. my mom is driving me nuts because she's so stressed. but i'm trying to help her as much as i can. my technological skills come in handy once in a while.

i just got the urge to play my trumpet. wierd.

things are on an upswing again. hopefully this will last longer than last time, because that was really starting to piss me off how life just kicked me in the ass.

still no word on a boy. sigh. what is it going to take to find a decent guy? anyway...

stay cool, boy.

i think this may be my 100th blog post. whoopie.

things have been alright since i last blogged. the friday night that i posted my last entry was appreciation day for the high school marching band. it's really wierd to be on the other side of things now. and it just made me miss it even more. things were different than past years' events, and i really can't complain... it was just... depressing i guess.
that night i slept over at jessica's. we spent a lot of time talking about stuff. it was nice to actually catch up with her. we hung out with her mom some, which was cool. didn't get to sleep until like 2am, haha. let's just say i had some bizarre dreams that night. and i woke up at one point breathing in cat hair from the feline that was relaxing next to my face. how lovely.
saturday i went to the racetrack with my brother. it was awesome to be in the pits with his fiance's family, who races. i fell asleep at one point between rounds, though - bad idea. my right arm has a horrible farmers/golfers stripe. seeing as i am neither of those things, it looks ridiculous. thankfully now it's faded a bit, but this week was kind of embarassing.
sunday we got up to go to church. my second cousin's son was baptized in the service that day, and it was really great to see that side of the family. amanda, who shares my birthday, is going to be a SENIOR in high school next year. i can't even believe it. we went to their house after church for a little party, i guess, even though the kid slept most of the time and cried the rest of it. ah well.
monday i got to march in the memorial day parade with the alumni band. for whatever reason, the drums totally screwed up and probably made us look like fools. it was REALLY wierd to march in khakis, though. so used to marching down that street in 95% wool.
this week has been nothing fantastic. it rained for quite a few days, which was just gross, so i've been cooped up inside and it's driving me insane. thursday we had a fire at stephanie's house. Yes, we're the smart kids who try to have a fire after a thunderstorm. i had to keep throwing more newspaper on it to keep it going! brittany showed us an interesting trick - lighting hand sanitizer on fire. it burns the alcohol off and doesn't burn your hands. so then we put it on the sidewalk and had a fun time with that. eventually kelly came up with the idea to go to the lake - so five of us took a car ride out there. it was soooo creepy in the dark. we went to one of the docks, and all the boats were creaking and making all these wierd noises... i was getting chills the whole time. we walked out to the end of the pier thingy, and it was so impressive to just see black. pitch black. and you could tell where the cities were, because the sky was so much lighter. after a while we all hurried back to the car because it was so strange to be there in the dark by ourselves.
today mom and i went out shopping for yet more stuff for the bridal shower. i ended up getting new capri pant things, a bikini, and shoes. i needed shoes for the wedding anyway, and i had seen these really awesome hightops in the store, so i convinced my mom to go there. hopefully the shoes i found will work for the wedding. becca didn't really have any specifics, and i didn't particularly want to buy heels that i might wear three times in my life, so i found some dressy sandal flipflop things. i came home then went over to the field to play softball with brenda for a bit. it was a bit squishy because of all the rain we had, but i hit some really nice line drives and it felt so good. i'm so happy i finally have a glove i can catch with.

anyway... that's my week. i bet you were oh so fascinated with it. yeah right. I'M not even interested, haha.

more ridiculousness.

i'm in a bad mood until further notice.

i think the thing that hurts the most is that there wasn't any honesty. if they had just talked to me about the real issues at hand, i would have accepted it and moved on. instead they took advantage of the fact that i have a hard time controlling my emotions/feelings, and now look where i'm at - back to that place where i can't trust anyone, back to doubting myself and hating everything.

i thought we were over this. apparently not.

what i really need is for someone to prove to me that not everyone is an asshole who is in it for their own personal gratification.

i know i made bad decisions. but i thought people were smart enough to see it coming from a distance and actually be up-front to me about things. honesty is all i really want. i know i was stupid. but if they had just said that things were changing and the past was still lingering, i might have been able to avoid some of this stuff i have to deal with now.

thanks for sticking to those stereotypes. it's getting harder and harder for me to trust anyone. and i know for sure that i'm going to have a hard time looking them in the eye.

GREAT.

life is awesome. so great. REALLY.
[sarcasm.]

how come, when everything is going soooo well, when i finally feel as if i've got myself under control, when things are finally rolling my way, something comes along and decapitates me? just rips my freaking head off. thanks, life. thanks so much. i really appreciate all the breaks you've thrown my way, all the wonderful things you've done for me.

oh, and thanks also to those of you who do the same things for me that life does. thanks for throwing those wicked curveballs my way and see me fumble around, cause we all know i'm oh-so-graceful. thanks for making me question everything. and thanks for making me question myself. i bet you're dancing around in your fabulous little life right now, enjoying all those things you've deprived me of. great. go ahead, celebrate. hooray for frivolity. i wish you'd see the pain you've caused (even though most of it i brought on myself in the first place, stupid me). way to go. but the least you could've done is let me get back up again before throwing me under the bus. AGAIN.

i wonder if you know who you are?


this morning was fantastic! i woke up thinking that it was going to be a wonderful day! and now? i'm going to bed, resisting the urge to break small fragile objects within arm's reach.

YAY FOR LIFE!!!! LET'S TOAST TO ITS MARVELOUSNESS!!

i'm really not trying to be a pathetic attention-getter. i promise. since i can't pick up the phone right now and call the people i need to talk to the most, i resort to posting angry facebook notes and blog entries.

i had such dreams. such plans. such hope. such excitement!
annnnnnnnnnnnnd... no. not anymore.

stabby rip stab stab.

i hate to think that i'm starting to become a pessimist.




i need ice cream.