Don't light a match in the sun after you've combed your straight hair

Yes, it has been forever since i posted on here. Obviously says something about the way fall semester ended... it was by far the hardest semester I've ever had to deal with. in high school, i was pretty lucky because with the exception of physics and calculus, i didn't really have to work at anything. and really physics and calculus was just tedious work that i didn't want to do. but this past semester, god. for once i actually had to work at a lot of things just to keep my head above water. much more textbook reading, much more studying. i practically had no social life outside of krieg hall, and even then i'd leave and go home to my empty apartment and study some more. taking cave ecology was a bad decision. i did learn a lot, and most of it was interesting. but i did not expect to work that hard on a class i'm only taking for the damn B credit and will never talk about again in my entire life. it blew big chunks.

so - here's hoping that next semester is much better. i've gotten most of my textbooks in the mail already (all hail amazon.com) and am trying my hardest not to begin to read them. and ALL of my classes revolve around my major, so they're all either music or education classes. which i think will make my life easier. at least i don't have to huff it across campus to the damn science building, i only have to go between two buildings during any day, and they're down the street from each other. the tradeoff is that DAMN 8:00 class. i think that's gonna be my downfall. i don't know how people survive on four or five hours of sleep... if i don't get at least seven, i'm a freaking zombie and can't speak in complete sentences. with three writing intensive classes and that god-awful early wake up call, i know already that i'm going to be sacrificing sleep. i don't mean to bitch about it a lot. i'll suck it up and deal with it eventually. but from the comfort of my own home on winter break with nothing to do... allow me this tiny pity party?

one thing that's been bugging me recently is the friend group and how it changes as we get older. i hate being so far away from everyone. and i'll just say it - yeah, i'm jealous. there are things that i want to do up here that i've missed because i've been down at school. plus, there are memories being made and i am not a part of them. i don't want this to turn into a woe-is-me session but sometimes i feel really left out. i know i made the decision to go to school three hours away but there's no bloody way i was staying up here after high school and witt was an offer i couldn't refuse. i guess i just don't feel especially close to anyone anymore because they're all changing and maturing and doing things and i got to see them four times in four months or so. it's depressing. especially because most of us have jobs now, so when i'm home it's a struggle to get everyone together because they've got their own schedules. and while i'm sitting at home doing nothing they're doing their own things. it is saddening.

one more thing before i finish this exorbitant post.
i caught an interview with gustavo dudamel tonight on pbs. he's the conductor of the l.a. philharmonic and has created programs in california to get kids into music. with funding they've gotten kids instruments and teachers who would otherwise not be able to do so. he's a champion for music education and is doing lots to help keep it in schools. and i just have to say that i am really happy and grateful i found a life/career path that i love. i love it. i love everything about it. and it really bugs me that people are so pessimistic about the future. yes, i realize the economy sucks and budgets are shrinking and stuff like music is being cut. hell, it's happened right around here. but - people like gustavo dudamel are doing everything they can to keep music a part of schools' curriculum. and this gives me hope. i'll be lucky to find a job when i graduate, but i haven't lost hope. i know things may look bad, but there are also good things happening everywhere. i just can't let myself get bogged down by the-world-is-going-to-hell mentality. sure, i can bitch about it for a while, but even after a major bitch session i can still find stuff to be hopeful about.

so guess what people! have hope! things are gonna be okay!

Gangbusters

Well. This has been an interesting few days.

Friday night was the band concert. It was. So. Good. I mean... Dr. J sent an e-mail out afterwards, saying that he hadn't experienced what we did ever before. He calls it 'flow'; where we're all moving, breathing and making music together. Not just notes. I do have to say that I thought it went stellar. There were only a few moments of raised eyebrows: let's-reign-this-back-in-guys. Everyone played beautifully.

Saturday night was the Symphony concert downtown. The cirque de la symphonie came, and it was awesome! They're like a small-scale cirque du soliel (which I had the pleasure of seeing in the CLE) and it was just really neat. At one point they played Ride of the Valkyries, and both of my friends (one of whom being a music major) said, "Oh! Star Wars!" Urrrggghhh. IT. IS. NOT. STAR WARS. Ahem. Anyway.

Sunday afternoon was Dr. K's recital... it was, in a word, AWKWARD. He didn't print any programs as to be 'ecologically friendly', which is totally cool and frankly pretty smart. But - they wrote the program on the chalkboard behind the piano. Like, what?! It was just pretty informal and didn't feel all that professional and I was a little disappointed. Though he did play a Bach cello suite which is so lovely, you know, so yeah that was nice. He said he missed a note at one point because he was thinking about me (uhhmmm... what...) because he wanted me to get up there and show where the accent was on beat two. Who the hell knows what he's talking about most of the time.

Last night I'm pretty sure I aced my percussion playing test... and, considering my state of mind at the time, that's a feat.

Tonight, we had the band/orchestra party down in Founders. It was surprisingly really cool... not too many people showed up so it was chill without being overly obnoxious. Towards the end we just sat around in a big group chatting. It was nice. If we had more time I wish we could do more stuff like that... I love the band but sometimes I don't feel the band family. I know we're in college now blah blah blah but it's just nice to be a part of something you can really identify with.

So I'm still getting those mixed signals. And others are picking up on the ones being sent my direction. Hmm.

Gah. I suddenly got nostalgic and homesick. I can't wait to go home in eight days.

Don't throw away your playful beginnings

Once again, too much time has passed and I haven't even thought about this damn blog.

Since the 17th:
1) Thanksgiving break was pretty uneventful... considering that it wasn't really a "break", more like an "oh-shit-this-4,000-word-paper-is-due-monday" kind of thing. I worked on it a lot at my grandmother's house, which was pretty nice because it was a quiet warm place to work and I had a nice fast mac to work on. I finished it friday night after about a 6 hour marathon, and then met up with the Crew at Chipotle. We ran around the mall after that for a while, which was quite interesting. I miss all my friends so muchhhhhhh. I miss the way we used to hang out, because now it feels different and I'm not sure why. I guess that's part of growing up.

2) I am not sure what to make of a few people, both at home and here. They're sending me mixed signals, and I'm not sure if it's just myself and the terrible trait of overanalyzing everything, but I can't help shake the feeling that I'm not - that something is actually going on. I'm not going to go into details, partially because I just had a marathon talk with a good friend for like an hour and a half and we talked about this and frankly I'm a little tired of talking about it right now. Half of me wants to go crazy and be reckless, and half of me is scared that I'm just looking too much.

3) Surprisingly, I don't have that Final Exam Drowning Feeling. I have three finals (plus trumpet and piano juries) and I think that if I put some real time in, things will be okay. It helps that band is now over, so I don't have to take two hours two days a week out of my schedule, and tutoring is now over which was three hours a week. Granted I'm going to lose that time on my paycheck, but hopefully I can make up for some of it by getting back to organizing the band library which I've neglected recently.

4) The more I think about it, the more excited I am for next semester. Dr. w and I met up this morning because it had been a while since we'd seen each other, since before break, and we talked some about the poverty honors class. He sent out an initial framework for the class and encouraged us to think about it in preparation for a pre-class dinner meeting next weekend, and today he asked me about it. I think right now I'm at the point where I'm excited to do work, but don't know where to start and the whole issue seems so daunting. It is hard to change the world. It is hard to change people's mindsets and really make a difference. We talked about the starfish story, you know, and that's great and all but at the same time there's this little voice in the back of my head that says "what about all the other starfish we might pass up?" What about them? What about those it is impossible to reach, or frankly cannot reach because there is not enough time/energy/resources/daylight? Right now I am stuck. I want to make a difference in something, somewhere, so badly, but I don't know how. I hope, obviously, that this class will help there. w also said something about possibly being able to actually go to Kenya, where he went this past summer, where they're doing a lot of the same things but even on a more basic level - clean drinking water, books for the kids to read, things like that. Jeez, I couldn't even imagine that. What if I got to go to Africa? Ugh, I can't even let myself think about that possibility right now.

5) I FINALLY got the petition for my H credit back. Witt has this requirement where you have to take 8 gen. ed classes from 8 different departments as part of the gen ed curriculum. Well, with my ridiculous schedule, that is nearly impossible. So Dr. w and I worked on a petition to waive that rule so I'd have 8 classes in 7 departments. On Thursday (while I was feeling like death, 24-hour stomach flu) I got a call from the Registrar's office saying it had been granted. HALLELUJAH!!!!! One more thing to cross off my list and get me that much closer to graduating on time. Now I need to submit a credit overload petition and pray that they offer Spanish next summer, so I can get those pesky gen ed requirements done with. But - I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel - things are not so insurmountable.
Praise God.

Oh - Yay for snow! December 1, first snowfall that I've seen. So grand.

A week and a half and I'll finally be done with this hellacious semester. Looking forward to it with all my being.

This song makes me so happy.

i have a tonnnnn of work to do in the next couple of days, so i'm gonna need everything imaginable to keep going. this song helps.

sometimes it is difficult to live or function without coffee. yesterday i got coffee before cave ecology and drank it on the way.
before: zombie-fied. after a drink: bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!
i'll be an addict by the time i'm 25. oh wait. maybe i already am one.
i am asking for a coffee maker for christmas, so i can have it by the time my 8am-five-days-a-week class comes around next semester. efffffff.

They did the mash

Ancora Imparo.

Still I am learning.

last night I drank a major coffee at about 8... this was probably a mistake because I was up until 2am. However, I did manage to get 1,000 words written about the first movement of Mahler's Fifth Symphony. This behemoth of a paper is due in two weeks (thirteen days now...). After last night I feel a little better about things, but I will have to say that during my extremely short Thanksgiving break (I am not going to be able to come home on the weekend before like I thought) I will be spending copious amounts of time at my grandmother's shiny new mac.

Sometimes you learn at the worst possible moments. I should have started this paper a long time ago, but I didn't. I was lazy and I procrastinated and the next two weeks, including my time with my family, is going to be hell because I have to pound this thing out. I have been kicking myself mentally pretty continuously since last week when I realized the due date was pretty damn close. Hopefully I'll have something substantial to show to Dr. S at the end of this week and that will help me bash this out before the 29th.

I also realized that I don't really care that much about facebook anymore. I have only checked it a few times throughout the day recently, unlike the hours I used to spend on it in the first two years of college. Maybe that's because up until now my workload had been heavy but not insurmountable... right now it feels a teensy bit insurmountable. But I won't think about that because I have a Positive Outlook and will be taking things One Day At A Time.

Over the weekend I was listening to the radio and The Monster Mash came on. My dad and I listened to this on a cassette tape all the time when I was little, along with the movie. It brought back all kinds of memories and I guess I didn't realize how much I missed home until now. I probably am going to be spending next summer on campus taking classes and working on my honor's thesis. And that means ALL summer. Thankfully I have a house so it won't be dorm room hell... but still. I cherish those summers at home. Sometimes I hate growing up.

Time yet for a hundred visions and revisions

Because it is a fantastic piece of work to be read and devoured and read again:

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

And this one, because it's my favorite:

Evening Hawk

I feel a teensy bit hipster because I laid in bed last night reading my anthology of Robert Penn Warren's poetry. Like, let me just drink my Pabst and read poetry til 3am.
But guess what.
I don't care about you people. Because he's a fantastic writer and I LIKE READING IT.
so there.



Registered for classes this morning! Spring semester is official!

Symphonic Band
Applied Trumpet
Choral Music in the Schools
Choral/Instrumental Conducting
Technology for Music Educators
Teaching and Learning in the High School
Poverty, Development and Education: Seeking Responses - Creating Heroes

That last one is an honors course. And the last two are being taught by w. It looks like I'm going to be seeing a lot of him next semester, because the high school class is five days a week at EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. Everyone keeps telling me I need to get used to the early morning thing if I'm going to be a teacher, but when I'm a teacher I'm not going to have to write research papers or listening journals or study for cave ecology tests. I will be going to be at 10pm every night. Watch me.

In which I re-capitulate my lack of creativity

well damn. I guess that whole blogging-every-other-day thing really worked out, huh?

so the day after I blogged last (because I can't remember anything unless it's in my phone calendar) was the Grand Opening of Promise Neighborhood. Basically it's an approach to getting students out of poverty and succeeding in life by changing everything through the community - housing, community rapport, education, local business - it's quite an endeavor. And w is in charge. Well, he and a team, but I think he's in charge. So they had the Grand Opening which was basically like a little family fun fair thing at the Promise Neighborhood school. It turned into a not-so-little thing; I heard that at one point there were more than five hundred people there? whoa. It was a very fun experience to be able to interact with some kids that will probably be directly affected by this once it gets on its feet. I didn't exactly plan to spend my entire day there (11am to 6pm) but because I am such a selfless and loving person blah blah blah... no, really, I actually didn't want to leave.

I've decided that I am no longer going to bore you with the petty details of my life, especially because frankly most of the time I don't give a damn about them either. Hopefully highlights will be sufficient.

The beginning of last week really sucked because I got some news in a not-so-enjoyable way that is going to affect my next year and a half at school. I won't get into it now because the person it involves has asked me not to tell anyone. So I get the supreme joy of keeping a very difficult and painful secret until the time comes when more people know.

Sav's friend from high school, A, and his friend from the air force came to stay with us wednesday night. It's not what it sounds like - at least not yet in the story. They were traveling between Pennsylvania and New Mexico and needed a place to stay for the night. And hey, what's our house good for besides a place to drink beer and sleep? I might preface this by saying that A and I have been talking for a little while. He texted me one day (at 5am on a sunday morning, specifically) saying that he wanted to get to know me better. So he and I have been talking. Not sure if this is the same as talking or "talking". But nontheless, we've gotten to know each other since the first time he stayed with us the night before running a marathon at Wright-Patt. Sooo this was the SECOND time I've seen him in person. Skype doesn't do shit. Let's just say it was an enjoyable night in which lots of PBR was consumed and we all slept later than we intended to the next day.

This past weekend. Halloween. Most of the time I don't get really worked up about this holiday because I don't see the point besides a chance for girls to dress like slutty nuns. But Sav got into it and so we did the stereotypical costume party on saturday night. What a shitshow. I was a greek goddess, which actually was really nice because I could wear something other than pants and be okay with it. (This is coming from the girl that actually hasn't worn a dress since she stepped on to this college campus - except once, for a formal dance, and only for about three hours... but that's another story.) So basically the next day was a void of lolling in bed until two, walking around pretending to do something important and going to an entirely-too-long church service where I had to play both trumpet and handbells. I don't want to think about vodka for a long, long time.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately, and this is going to sound maybe a little strange. But you have to realize that I am a music education major, and this is my LIFE. I am just a teensy bit fascinated with and have a secret interest in conducting. I'm in the intro conducting class this semester. And it just makes sense. I find it very odd that I want to throw up before stepping in front of our little class ensemble - but as soon as I am in front of them, I am no longer shaking like a chihuahua who's just seen her own reflection. The prof, Dr. J, is so knowledgeable and just so damn good that it makes me want to do better. We've had a few discussions about conducting. He's fabulous. I think if I weren't a teacher (and weren't 5' 3"), I'd want to do that.

I miss reading books and writing. I've been struggling through Into The Wild for about two weeks now - it's fantastic but I just have so many other bloody things to do.

Speaking of - I've spent way too much time on this computer and must escape the vaccuum that is the mac lab.

you were not the same after that

Well. since once again i've slacked off at blogging... let's recap.

last wednesday i took the hardest midterm ever. music history, 20th century style. it was really frustrating because i really had no clue how to study for it. dr. s is really narrative when he talks about composers, and i don't really know what information to dismiss and what's important. there were a few long essays and i was pulling stuff from god knows where. i left the building after that test soooo bummed... it sucks when you know you could have done better. went up to the chapel for handbells. after rehearsal, i saw that w was still around, so i stopped by blair hall because i needed a w hug. we ended up sitting on the benches outside talking for an hour.
thursday was mostly uneventful. i did really well on my cave ecology quiz. my trumpet lesson sucked like usual. i really hate the fact that bryan has nothing positive to say about my playing. i realize i am not the best player in the world, but encouragement goes a long way. he was going on again about how this is my primary thing, blah blah blah. and i explained to him that i can't do everything 200% like he wants me to. my first priority is education. that is what i am in college for and what i am planning my life around. it's NOT performance; he says that in order to be a good teacher, i need to be a good musician. i realize this, but i have to prioritize because i don't have the energy, stamina or sanity to do it all. i will have to say, though, that yesterday's went pretty well overall. he actually gave me a compliment, miracle of miracles, and it was more collaborative than him harping on me the whole time.

this past weekend i went home for fall break. since it was just midterms week, they gave us monday and tuesday off. mom came down saturday morning. we got back in the afternoon to go to jane's wedding. i didn't realize how difficult it would be... seeing her again and in a new relationship naturally brought up memories of her last. he was the pastor of our church and was around for most of my entire childhood. i looked up to him immensely, even though i never got the affirmation i wanted from him. i know now why that is, i won't go into details, but he broke a lot of people's trust in that church and we were a little screwed up from that afterwards. but it's wonderful to see jane with a new man. the wedding was simple and touching. how i wish i could have that one day. it's obvious they care for each other very much.
after the wedding when we got home, my dad and i got into a discussion about the damn computer. it ended up blowing up into a giant ordeal and i of course ended up crying and leaving the room. it is so bloody frustrating to be around my dad. we're very similar, even though he thinks i'm more like my mom. but we know exactly how to push each other's buttons. soooo needless to say saturday night could have gone better.
sunday was church like usual. i sang with the choir, which was quite enjoyable. afterwards we went to brunch and then to see my grandma. we ended up staying there for most of the afternoon. later sunday night, some of the crew met up at meranda's aunt's house for pumpkin carving and rocky horror. i'm not really sure where things went wrong, but meranda got upset with stephanie and things went down the tubes. i don't know what her beef is with stephanie, but frankly i feel it's a little juvenile. i realize i don't know the whole situation, but it just feels too high school-ish for me and i'd like to think we're past that now. i'm not going to let it bother me, though. wish we could just all get along.
monday mom and i went to the library because i had to pay my electric bill online lol. we missed ralph, unfortunately, but i left a note so hopefully he smiled. after that, we went to my other grandma's house. i hadn't talked to her in a long time because things have been so crazy. she's been having some wierd pain issues, in and out of the doctor's and emergency room... i think everyone is a little worried about her because usually she's in great health. let's hope they figure out the problem soon.
tuesday, i got my hair cut and then jessica and i went to the new high school. it is, in a word, astonishing. however, it lost a lot of character and uniqueness that made the old school so awesome. it's hard to believe i'll never walk those halls again - the same ones my great-grandmother walked. all the classrooms look the same, as do the hallways. apparently there are some things that need to be finished in the new school. but the performing arts wing is amazing!! it was hard not to see myself walking down the hall and teaching in the new band room. we got a sneak peek of the auditorium, which isn't finished, but will look amazing. jessica and i spent most of the time with mr. b - he showed us the auditorium and library. i didn't realize how much i missed him until we said goodbye. we talked about a lot of nonsense when we saw him in his study hall, and sometimes i wish we could have a serious conversation, but it was enjoyable all the same. after we visited the high school, i got my stuff into the car and we came back to school.
since i've been back - let's just say it's REALLY nice to have a three day week! wednesday, after my conducting class, dr. j asked me and another person to stay after class a minute. he told us he'd be nominating us for an honor band with the ohio instrumental conductors association (or something like that). that means the third weekend of january, we'll go to ashland univ., play five pieces (with dr. j conducting one), rehearse saturday and sunday, and perform a concert sunday afternoon. it sounds amazing, if a little scary. resume booster for sure! rachel and i decided to move our recital date partly because of this. we'd have to have our pre-recital jury out of the way a month before the actual recital - that puts us at a week after class starts. we thought this might be too short a time to work together and get things polished, along with the craziness of me learning five pieces for the honor band. so now we're doing it march 27th. this should work better for everyone. i am breathing a little easier.
like i said, my lesson yesterday went very well. so that, combined with the honor band, combined with the 85% I GOT ON MY MUSIC HISTORY MIDTERM have made this week pretty damn good!!

i am off to read a bit and probably youtube something.
sorry my posts always end up so effing long.

Lint is a shell's best friend

a short update.

thursday: really sucked because both people (kat and w) that i had plans with bailed on me. i know i'm being selfish but i really hate it when i get really excited and look forward to something and then it doesn't happen. though i did skype with aaron.

friday: mom and judy came into town!! mom had the day off, and luckily enough it was both homecoming weekend and our band concert. so they came down in the afternoon, we spent some time on campus, and then they came to the concert. the concert itself went pretty well overall, i thought. there were a few scary moments where we teetered on the cliff of total chaos, but reigned it back in. had a late dinner with mom and judy and went straight to bed lolz.

saturday: i met with w at 10:30 since our plans didn't work out on thursday. we went to panera and had coffee and split a pecan roll, and talked about banal life things like my work for dr. k and the honors class i'm taking. then we went back to school and worked on scheduling stuff for a while because i'm trying my damndest to graduate on time. i think there are only a few classes i have left to take: science/math (there's a class i think i can get into that counts for both), foreign language (this is going to be the death of me) and another art credit because this school has the dumbest requirement of making you take classes from eight different departments. so even though i have a shit-ton of music art credits, only one of them will count. so w and i tried to figure out some options (summer classes: FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS PER CREDIT). w has hope and that means a lot, but it still sometimes looks bleak because i feel like there's still so much to do and not any time to do it.
anyway, saturday night i hosted a birthday party for karen at my house. it was themed after mario (the video game). i was a banana. get it? like a banana in the road in mario kart? things were great, if a little crazy. rachel locked my bedroom door and my keys were inside my bedroom... so i had to break into my own room by taking out the screen and climbing through the window...
that party was basically the biggest event in recent history... today was classes as usual, though they went by pretty fast (for which i am thankful). i have a few tests this week, but after that i'm going home for a wonderful fall break! i hope to meet up with a few. and definitely reconnect with the e gang because i am terrible at keeping in touch.
so what was intended to be a short update didn't really end up short at all... anyway, that's the life.

oh p.s. go look up "marcell the shell with shoes on" right now. go. i am obsessed with it. most adorable thing. EVER.

clowns to the left, jokers to the right

man oh man, last week was totally effing crazy.

first of all, i had my first giant paper due for my honors class. it was originally due wednesday, that's why i borrowed w's computer over the weekend, but thankfully Dr. Kazez changed the due date to friday. we also had to do presentations... guess who gets to go first on friday while everyone else gets to wait until monday *raises hand*. i was upset since i was the only one presenting i had to have everything prepared while everyone else got to have the extra weekend. but, honestly, it wasn't as bad as i thought. first presentation - low expectations - and he kind of used me as a guinea pig to show the rest of the class what he wanted out of the presentations. at one point he said i was doing very well so far, so i guess that's a good thing.

friday night, heather and brittany came down to take me home for the weekend. we had so much fun in the car ride, though it took an extra hour because they seriously have the smallest bladders in the history of the world and had to stop to pee so much. at one point brittany actually peed in a cup because we didn't want to stop again but she had to go. and then she threw an entire 16 oz cup of NOT SODA out the window. we got home around 11 and i basically went straight to bed because i was exhausted. saturday morning i was up bright and early because we had alumni band practice. we only practiced for an hour and a half because it was sprinkling on and off and the field was getting too bad to march on. after band we had a drummers practice to polish off sequence for that night. i ended up getting really frustrated with myself because i should have been playing better than i was... but it's hard when you're away from the group so long. after practice, heather, brittany, jessica and i went back to heather's and we got pizza and passed out on the couch LOL. we were going to watch Dogma, but we were all so tired from the night before that we ended up taking a nap. we had to be back up at the school at 4:45, so we got there early to fix and tune drums and have a short band practice again. before the parade of bands started the drummers did their sequence. i have to say that it was incredibly fun - though i ended up faking it through a few of the cadences. got to play the short little solo intro to the big quad solo near the end. i realized that i'm glad i didn't do drums in high school. you have to be so serious when you're in the drum section, but now we can dance around and have fun and act stupid. and play some music while we're at it.

sooo we finished the drum sequence and then went directly over to pass in review - so i played quads for that. then i had to run back, get my trumpet, and get ready to go on field. i played with music (not memorized) for the first time EVER. our show kind of sucked because it was raining so hard and the field was so muddy. but - we had fun, and i guess that's what counts. i'm really happy i got to go home because i saw all my high school friends, plus people like benford and rick.
sunday i went to church hella early. yeah, no sleeping in for me this past weekend... i ended up playing handbells because one person apparently didn't show up so i covered her part. did the usual after-church brunch thing, then i packed up my stuff (including cold weather clothes because it is effing COLD now), stopped to talk to my uncle and then got back on the road to school.
and now it's back to the grind!
apparently i am getting a package from Aaron of some sort. he called savannah recently and asked for our address, and he wouldn't tell me why he needed it. so something's coming in the mail from him?!
it's going to be an exciting few days coming up. we're preparing for our band concert on friday night - and my mom is going to be able to come down and see it! this will be the first college performance she's seen. she's also bringing Judy, a high school friend, since she graduated from here and hasn't been on campus since.
thursday i'm getting milkshakes with w? he randomly brought up milkshakes one day and since i haven't seen/talked to him very much recently besides a quick "hey how are you" we're hanging out thursday afternoon.
since that honors project is over, i feel like i can breathe a little easier. i've still got stuff to do, mainly practice playing trumpet out the wazoo, but i feel more in control of things and i don't feel like i'm drowning. which is a great feeling, let me tell you. for once my head is above water.
anyway, i need to finish a short assignment for my cave ecology class. no distractions need to be around!

closer to fine

so there's this guy. and every time i think about him it makes me smile. and he sounds as interested in me as i am in him. and today's been a good day.










and i've been listening to this song nonstop for the past day or so:

was I a fool to think?

do you ever get the feeling that you don't mean anything to anyone? or someone in particular? even though you try your hardest, no matter how hard you work, love, or feel, you're doomed to never be good enough? i want to do so much more, make a bigger impact, talk more, love more, be more, and i feel like i just can't. i feel like i don't have a connection with this someone, even though we do, and they've said so. i'm jealous of the other people because i think they're more special than i am. i can't help wondering how much this someone might think of me after i've gone and they've moved on. i don't want to be needy, and sometimes it feels like i'm being that way. but i don't know how to stop.

only for a moment and the moment's gone

i swear to god, this is the semester from hell. and that is not an over-exaggeration.

last night was just like any other night. i was sitting in my chair doing homework when savannah came home. we got to talking, and she said she was hungry. so we went out to make something to eat and chat over late-night "dippy eggs". i came back to my room later in the night, went to get back to my work -- and my computer didn't turn on. yeah. i tried everything i could think of related to the power. nothing. i called my dad at midnight freaking out. obviously there was nothing he could do, so he told me to leave it overnight and try again in the morning. so i slept very poorly, woke up, tried it, still not turning on. this is awesome. i was sick to my stomach all morning because of this. my dad custom built that machine and now it's a very expensive paperweight. one of rachel's friends works with a computer repair company, so we took it to him and he said he'd take a look at it. i was so close to tears all day. after my 1:50 class, i decided to go see w since i didn't know who else to turn to. i really didn't want to play the victimized student deal, but as soon as i saw him i just started crying again. i have a paper and a presentation due in five days. he was really kind and caring and we went into his office to talk. he asked what my options were, and basically i've got to either live in krieg or trek back and forth between hollenbeck and my house. we're in his office and he asks if i need a computer - his laptop is sitting on the table. he freaking GAVE me his laptop to use. what kind of teacher does that, honestly? i am blown away by the graciousness and selflessness of this man. luckily the hard drive on my computer didn't get damaged, so the guy i took it to was able to get all my data off so i can at least work on stuff. most of my research was salvaged, except for the stuff i was working on at the time my computer took a crap. so i don't think i'm too far behind, but it's really nice to be able to have a computer to work on instead of spending hours/nights in the library or krieg. i am going to have to come up with something to do in return for him... i hate all this taking and not giving. he always pays for my coffee or lunch when we do that sort of thing, and now this... is it safe to say i'm sort of speechless? by sort of, i mean i can make grunty sounds and say words, but full sentences are out of the question. i kind of just sit there stunned most of the time when i think about it too hard.

tomorrow i'm going to hocking hills with my cave ecology class. it's both good and bad... good because i can get away for a while and hopefully forget about things; bad because it's going to take up almost the entirety of my day. we're leaving at 7:45 and getting back around 7. you think i'm going to work on my paper after that?!

one week and i'll be home for parade of bands. hopefully then we can take my computer to the company we bought it from and they can do something. or at least find out what's wrong. i think heather is coming down to pick me up along with brittany. i'm looking forward to having them on campus. i got much closer with both of them this summer, in some ways i probably couldn't have predicted. plus, when i go home i'll get to see benford.

sigh. let's hope things get better from here. things can only get better, with how shitty they've gone lately.

it'd be so nice to lay in bed and cry and eat ice cream for a few days.

i just realized that this is the first real crying i've done this semester. i hate crying in front of people, and now i went and did it in front of w. awesome.

bed. now.

disappointment

Didn't get the big federal grant for the promise neighborhood.

disappointment.

but there is local funding, so things are going to happen.

still - what a let down.

butt jangles mcgee

five days have passed and things are minutely better than they were.
i took saturday off from everything related to school. i just felt like i really needed some time to take a break and not be completely driven. i went to the football game with rachel and actually got sunburnt. i got sunburnt halfway through september, what a joke. they invited the high school to play since neither of our schools have bands. after the football game, rachel and i went tubing because it was so hot. we go down the river which is near her house. let me just tell you that even though it was 85 degrees outside, that water was SO FREEZING. i was honestly afraid i would get hypothermia or something. we spent almost two hours going down the river. it was quite enjoyable because it's just you and the tube and the river. at one point there were some quick rapids and rachel got stuck in one of the trees that was hanging over the river... oh man, it was really funny!
after that, savannah and i went to dr. w's for a fire. now this was probably the most surreal experience i've ever had. he had sent a text message inviting me and friends out to his place for a fire (since he lives in the country). i responded saying there were a few of us interested. his reply - please come out, we won't be home until 9 but there's a key and fresh bread in the kitchen. when S. and i got there it was sprinkling, so we decided it probably wouldn't be the best time to start a fire... so we got the key and went into his house. uh huh. yeah, you read that right. we kind of wandered around the kitchen and living room and then spotted chutes and ladders in the hall closet... so with nothing else to do, we plopped down in his living room and played a game. then i spotted jenga sitting on one of the windowsills, so we played that instead. right around the second game he called me asking if we were there and if we had gotten a fire started. i told him we were waiting for the rain to pass, so we were playing jenga in his living room. his reaction was the greatest... there was a pause, then laughter, then, "you're in.... you're in my HOUSE?!?" he wasn't mad or anything, so it was okay. i was worried for a second. since they were coming home S. and i decided to actually start a fire and we had just made our first s'more when they got home. we ended up spending an hour and a half sitting on his deck just talking... more like complaining, since S. and i have had really crazy weeks recently. it was quite enjoyable to just sit there and relax and not worry about what's due when. and then i got an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and sadness. i'm not sure why, because i know both he and his wife care about us (because otherwise they wouldn't give us open access to their house) but i just felt completely at home, and then i started missing my real home.
sunday was spent playing catch up with all my work. i ended up seeing w again and sitting in his office for 45 minutes. i had intended to just have him sign a form for fishing club and leave, but he wanted to show me a trailer for Waiting For Superman.



this is a movie about the harlem children's zone, and is what w is trying to recreate (in a unique way) here.

yesterday i had three tests in a row. i'm not kidding... three back to back to back. and let's just say MAJOR SUCK-O. it was awful. i hate the pressure that tests put on you to cram stuff into your brain. if we could have a conversation about the material rather than a hard and fast letter grade it would do so much for my mental state. but since those have come and gone (and i think i did pretty well on all of them) i feel a lot better physically, mentally and intelligently. i've got some work to do today but it's nothing that i can't take care of.

so yeah. just a little update. ta-ta for now.

don't throw away your playful beginnings

I'm trying! really i am!
who knew this college thing would be so difficult. i'm two years in and i'm still trying to figure things out.

good choices vs. bad choices.
do ever learn?

i failed my first college test. 49 percent. luckily we went over it and i understand much better, and we'll have an opportunity to take another quiz. but still.

my to-do list is up to 17 things, i think. and all of them need to get done before monday/tuesday.

i just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a few days. have some "me" time. or something that doesn't involve dr. k, the music department or even music in general.

it always happens... that three week cycle. i always get worn out and really homesick every three weeks or so.
and here it is.

the kitten has gotten in the habit of flopping down on the floor whenever she sees me coming. it's like "lalala, cleaning mysel--MOM'SCOMINGMUSTNEEDLOVE" it's kind of really adorable.

anyway, i should probably get into bed sometime soon.

"good thing i have a shirt on!"

I've realized that I don't have much time for myself. and that sucks.

most of my day is spent either in class, practicing, or working. and all of them indirectly deal with doing something for other people. except for maybe practicing, but i do that partly so bryan doesn't hate me. homework... all kinds of shit for the multitude of professors I aide for... i spent an hour in the library today because mr. prof can't burn a cd himself. and i've spent the last 45 minutes proofreading a project he's working on. it's not that i regret doing all the aide stuff, i quite enjoy it, but hey i have things to do too!

part of my crappy attitude today has something to do with the fact that i'm just freaking tired. i was up too late last night and up too early this morning. i wish i could just take a day and sleep and detox... but i can't even do that because my to-do list is now up to 17 things.

meh.

we're up and we're fishing and we're golfing and we're back

okay so this whole regular blogging thing isn't too bad!

yesterday was kind of crazy. since a lot of classes were cancelled on monday because of the holiday, yesterday was spent catching up on stuff and getting back into the mwf classes. i went to this masterclass... usually, masterclasses are when a composer or performer comes and he works with a student in a kind of "public private lesson" setting, giving them suggestions and things to work on in their piece. well, this dude that is playing a piano recital tonight did the masterclass yesterday. let's just say that it was the most pointless hour of my life. he didn't have any agenda or anything like that, and we all kind of awkwardly stared at each other like "what do we do now...?" to top it off he hardly speaks english, so we couldn't communicate very well and i could barely understand his interpreter. wow, totally pointless.

this tutoring thing is actually working out really well. i'm so surprised how easily the teaching comes to me, and it seems like the students are catching on and doing well. their first test is tomorrow so we'll see, i guess.

tonight is the major big deal EHS vs. EC football game. everyone has been posting stuff on facebook about it and man i miss all that. i can't even watch it, but i might listen on the radio or online. and once again, we're back to the marching-band-nostalgia conversation topic. ugh.

oh, and i've decided to suck it up and really change my practicing habits when it comes to trumpet and piano. (and my other methods classes, too.) my lesson today could have gone a lot better and the only thing that's really holding me back is my own goddamn laziness. so i'm really going to try to be better with practicing. i should be better than i am.

tomorrow is friday, thank GOD.

p.s. i might have a couple of options of the male persuasion in line. time will tell.

you don't know

yesterday i went to lunch with someone. and i realized that our relationship is changing. i'm not sure if it's in a good way or bad way, but it's different than i saw it end up being. i realized some things about myself and about them. we had a very deep conversation towards the end of our hanging out, and i was surprised to leave and be close to tears. i'm not sure why, because i should be enjoying the time we spend together. i just get the feeling that i'm never going to be good enough, or close enough, or something enough for them. sigh.

is it bad that it's tuesday and i'm already looking forward to the weekend? :(

a little satisfaction

Today, I saw: springfield's finest at a really shady laundromat. but i needed clean clothes and we can't do it in the dorms anymore! since we're fancypants upperclassmen!

Today, I heard: our kitten meowing for love like the attention whore she is.

Today, I touched: my trumpet, the keys of a piano and the keys of my computer.

Today, I smelled: chili cooking in the crockpot! what a wonderful dinner.

Today, I tasted: an egg sandwich made lovingly by roommate who was going to bring me breakfast in bed, popcorn and that chili i already talked about.

oookay. elaboration. the shady springfield laundromat. holeeeeee crap. we walked in and a swear i felt like i was a stereotypical movie scene in a laundromat. it was definitely an interesting experience... but since we paid sixteen dollars to do six loads of laundry, that probably won't be happening again.

the rest of the day i kind of just sat around and didn't really do much of anything. tonight i tutored for kazez's theory class. i feel like i'm really doing an okay job - a few of the main people who come often said again that i'm going to be a great teacher. and that's pretty much all that's worth it to me.


oh, p.s. my trumpet teacher wants me to play either the Haydn trumpet concerto or the Hummel trumpet concerto this year. are you KIDDING me?!

talking to myself

okay. that's it. i can't stand not writing anymore. so i'm going to try an experiment - write something, SOMETHING, at least every other day. maybe every three days, depending on the craziness of my life. i shall find one thing that made that day worthwhile to me.

you know what today's greatness was?
the absolutely beautiful weather!
for once i actually needed a blanket because it was chilly enough at night. my roommate and i went shopping today at old navy (she needed dress clothes and i can never resist a trip to old navy) and then we went to wal-mart for groceries. we came home and had tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner... i can't even remember the last time i had tomato soup. it was fantastic to open the windows, have a cool breeze coming in and to eat a great sandwich/soup combo. after dinner we went for a really long walk around campus. we actually walked the entire perimeter, and explored the science building. i didn't realize how frikking LARGE that place is! and the geology department is oh so amazing! they have a frikking mastodon tusk or something on display. and the whole hallway is lined with cases of fossils and rocks and moon dust and shit like that.

we ended up walking past the football field, where they're having their first night football game. and as we were walking past, i felt this HUGE wave of nostalgia and sadness. being on a football field under the lights is like nothing else you'll ever experience. to have the crowd cheering louder for your marching band than for the football team is something that you don't easily forget.
i really enjoy the moments that kind of re-solidify that yes, i'm on the right track with my life. this past week in my conducting class, we did this wierd exercise where we had to move our arms and bodies to the music - not necessarily conduct, but more interpret the music bodily. we had a wide range of music to do this exercise with, from mozart's grand partita to stravinsky's rite of spring to holst's the planets. at first, it was really awkward and cheesy and everyone in the class was laughing and we all felt stupid. but after a while dr. jones gave us some suggestions on what to think about/listen to. and honestly, it started to feel quite natural. yeah, it was still awkward to look like fools with everyone else in the class, but secretly it was very interesting. and it got me to think about the music rather than just listen.
i know there's a lot of work to do over the next two years, and part of me feels really stressed and scared. but another part of me experiences those little moments every so often and is just like "Yes!!"
so anyway. life is decent right now. more than decent, actually. really awesome. busy as all hell, but i am doing okay with that. there are some developments that have occurred recently, so i'm not sure what to make of some things. but that's ambiguous for a reason! keep guessing!

tigers waiting to be tamed

well the past two weeks have been absolutely crazy. the last time i wrote i had spent exactly one day on campus... that was two weeks ago and i was feeling pretty wierd about being back. but now i feel completely at home and it's so wonderful. the tuesday after my last post was probably one of the wildest days i've had in a while. w e-mailed me sunday night and asked if i was interested in going to columbus with some students from his Promise neighborhood. i agreed, and it was such a wild day. we were basically there to interact with the kids and lend a hand in keeping them all wrangled up. we went to the statehouse and took a tour. it was really amazing to see how the kids interacted and how they thought about the world. these kids are in varying levels of poverty and their elementary school is the center of the promise neighboorhood - an holistic approach to improving the kids' lives with the help of the community, schools and neighborhood. i spent the day around w, even though we didn't really have a chance to talk once we were with the kids and in columbus. but we spent the busrides there and back getting to know each other a little better... i don't know why i was compelled to have a heart-to-heart with him on the way back, but we ended up talking about a lot of deep stuff.

the rest of the week i didn't really do much besides work in the music building. rachel and lis renovated the practice rooms this summer, and i helped rachel finish them up, clean and get everything back in the rooms. i also spent some time in the choral library filing music because there was no sense of organization in there before. and guess what else? more filing! the handbell room needed to be organized also. so at the very least i'm happy to get a paycheck for this month.
classes started on monday. here's my crazy schedule:

mwf classical musics of the world 9:10-10:10
mw conducting 11:30-12:30
mw brass methods 12:40-1:40
mwf history of 20th century music 1:50-2:50
mw percussion methods 6:30-7:30
tth cave ecology 9:40-11:10
tth band 5:30-7:00
w handbell choir 4:10-5:45
th trumpet lessons 12:20
f piano lessons 11:30

blahhhhh.

this week has been really crazy. getting back to the whole classes thing is tough to begin with, because i'm up earlier in the morning and up later at night. the past couple of days i just kind of hit that wall at 2:30. which is terrible because that's in the middle of my history class, and consequently i have to eat during class otherwise i'd fall asleep. thankfully i haven't had too much homework yet, so i can go to bed relatively early. (aka 10:30 one night!)
but for the most part all of my classes are really great! i'm so excited for all of them, and they're all interesting in different ways. i think i'm really going to enjoy this semester. super super much. and hopefully getting a paycheck will be better because i've been really trying not to spend money - had to buy a lot of stuff for the apartment and the bank account was dwindling. but things are looking up, i think.
that isn't to say that i don't miss elyria... i really do. i talked to my dad the other night and we had a really decent conversation. he sounds interested in the stuff i'm learning, and he wants me to tell him about it. and of course, i miss all my friends already. sigh.

so yeah. just a short update. yay school! i love it here!!

back to school

yeahhhhh. last post was july 12. let's catch things up a bit...

the second week of july, i helped with vacation bible school at my church. tracy asked me if i would be in charge of music this year. i taught the kids four songs, and at the end of the week they sang them for their parents. i learned that keeping 15 pre-schoolers occupied for half an hour in a hot stuffy room is near impossible. i learned that one has to be creative, excited, animated, and open in order for kids to respond. i learned that it's much easier to go with the flow than to try and make a stink about things that aren't going your way. and in the end, the concert that they sang was amazing... smiles, loud voices, fun... it was really very exciting.

on the 18th, i played gershwin in church. i know, right? gershwin in church? let's just say that it was kind of a different service than we were used to.

on the 22, i went to the doctors. i have been having these really wierd random bouts of nausea, like it'll just come out of nowhere and i feel like i have to vom. so they took blood and i scheduled an ultrasound for my gallbladder and etc etc etc.

on the 24th, brittany, my mom, and her friend judy made the trip to canada. this was our fifth year going up there, and it was definitely the year of adventure. first, our fridge didn't work, so we had to buy a new fridge and get it into the cabin (let me remind you that the only access to the cabin is by boat...); judy's nephew and his family traveled from california to stay with us for three whole days; we gave a guy a tow across the lake when his boat motor died; brittany got a rock imbedded in her foot when she fell/jumped off the dock. i really enjoy going up there because except for the few people with us, there is practically no one around. no neighbors, no lawn mowers, no garbage trucks, no anything. i think my favorite part, though, was when we went outside at night to look at the stars. since we're in bloody wilderness, there isn't any city interference so it gets DARK at night. we would go out and have a 180 degree view of the sky. millions upon millions of stars, including the Milky Way. i saw a total of four shooting stars over the two weeks.

when i got back from canada i finally got my utilities set up for our apartment. since i don't have any credit and my state id is very new, they couldn't prove i said who i said i was. so i had to go through the bullshit of faxing a copy of my passport and birth certificate to the electric company and the gas company for them to get our bills in my name. but i finally got it situated.

yesterday i moved back to school, into my lovely new apartment!! i'm so excited to be living there this year, even though it's hot as balls because it's like 88 outside. i got all my stuff unpacked and organized, and i have to say that the place is actually quite big. i think i am really going to enjoy living there with S.
the only downside is that i haven't been able to connect to the wireless yet, so i don't have internet.

today i went to see w for the first time since i had left. he took me on a tour of the newly remodeled blair hall, which i must say is quite nice. we talked for almost an hour and a half but i could tell he was anxious to get his grant paperwork done and i was preventing him from doing that. he wants me to help him with some projects this year, and i am fully willing and ready to do so. he's got so many great things going on and i wish i could be a part of them. he's starting this program called a Promise Neighborhood, where he's taking a neighborhood-change approach to battling poverty. it sounds like something that i can help with, and something that i believe in, so i hope i can contribute something to the mix.

anyway, since i'm sitting in the music building's computer lab freezing my ass off, i think i'm going to head back to my sweltering apartment. i literally layed on my bed for two hours today with the fan pointing at my head. i don't care - there's really nothing to do because not many people are here to begin with.

until next time...

you know what's a great word?

Ham.

the impaler

so. it's now june 12th. it feels like a ton of things are happening, but at the same time i feel like nothing is happening. i guess i'll highlight some of the bigger events...

well memorial day weekend was obviously the memorial day parade. i marched in my first parade ever without my trumpet. it was a completely different experience, but still fun. i got to look around more and see people. i felt pretty comfortable with the cadences we played, and i really only screwed up once. i almost passed out at the end, though, because i'm just not used to carrying sixty pounds for that long.

the tuesday of that week, i went to visit benford and spent most of the day with him. we didn't do much teaching wise, since he was trying to collect instruments for the end of the school year. we went to the gyro house for lunch and had a really good discussion about teaching and the future and what music education might turn into over the coming years. i told him that i was just really scared, because with budget cuts happening everywhere, our jobs are disappearing. he keeps telling me that i'll find a job, it'll come. he's retiring in three years and shepka is soon after that, so i'm crossing my fingers that there might be some kind of opening here. if not... i'm moving somewhere. ugh.

on the 7th, we had a drum sectional at oakwood elementary. it was more of a quad sectional, since we recieved a lot of new music and the others basically went through and showed us all of them. we ended up having our first drummer fight. well, it wasn't really a fight, but there were some tempers and very annoyed people. basically, there were different versions of one cadence being played at the same time, and it was frustrating because not everyone was playing 'as written', which is what the alumni drum section is aiming for. except - not everyone learned it that way. so there were frustrated people. we left and i know that i was kind of weary, as was heather... but i think things have been resolved with the help of ice cream and some pep talks.

a few times this week heather and i have gotten together to practice the cadences, and we've ended up having a really good time. i've also gotten to spend some time with her daughter, baylee, who's now three years old. i always enjoy young kids and she is no exception. i find that instead of my patience level going down, as is usually happens when people spend time with little ones, my patience actually goes up. wierd. anyway, yesterday, we were practicing for a while at her house and boy it turned into a day for the ages. we ran over a chipmunk, did a drive-by of both mike and benford's house, and failed in being sneaky at either of them! (it was mostly my fault...) i then spent some time with jessica, and went to a mini-lock-in at the library. they had video games and stuff out, but we played apples to apples with some people for the entire four hours we were there. i really love that game. jessica and i ended up staying to help clean up, and we got to leave the library with the librarians after closing up for the night. it was really cool to see the back-office inner workings of the library, heehee. yeah, we're nerds.

oh! i got a package this week. from w. he sent me two pictures he took of me the last day i was on campus this year. he also wrote me a letter, so now i'm in the process of writing one back. it was really surprising to get something in the mail from him. it made me realize how much i miss him and the rest of witt. i love being home, don't get me wrong, but i can only take hanging out and not doing anything for so long. at school i was always so busy, and here it's almost the opposite. i am anti-busy. and it's getting to the point where i really just want to pack up my stuff and go back to school. i am taking some really cool classes, so i'm looking forward to them a lot. and i can't wait to move into my apartment with sav! we were at walmart looking at house stuff and oh man, i really want to have a place of my own.

so yeah, that's it i suppose. monday we're having pizza and movies at payler's house. and thursday we're getting together with benford at shed west (which is a major big deal when you think about it, because the only people he invites are family or close friends. so we've risen in the ranks!)

other than that, i've just been reading and watching movies and practicing various instruments. soon i'll be starting lessons, so that'll be something to keep me occupied.

anyway, i'll write sometime next week i guess.

until then...

i'll back you up

jeezus pleezus. i haven't posted since april 25. i feel like a bum.
since april 25th, i'll write the big events:
may 4: played in my first jazz band concert at witt. and probably last. i was filling in for someone so we could have a full trumpet section... but i didn't enjoy it enough to really want to do it again. w came, which was cool.
may 7: did both my trumpet and piano jury. i really wish i would have done better with trumpet, but i was extremely nervous and didn't do very well. apparently the profs thought better than i did, because i got three passes and one pass with distinction. my piano jury was a piece of cake; in and out of there in 10 minutes.
may 9: met up with w to hang out away from things wittenberg and involving scheduling. he'd been the one who helped me throughout this semester trying to figure classes out and trying to get me out in four years. we went to panera and just talked for almost an hour... it was really nice to be able to say goodbye for the summer and just enjoy being with each other outside of campus. my mom came later that day and helped me move out. so now i'm officially a college junior. scary.
(by the way, the only reason i'm remembering these things is because i have them still in my phone calendar!)
may 15: i went to Hudson with my church's handbell choir and played in this really awesome service. it was a spring 'symposium'. rather than have their boring spring meeting, they decided to do a fun service with lots of music and joy. it was wonderful. i got to see two friends that moved to other churches (one for church education and one who became a minister and got her own church). i also saw this really awesome group of kids from cleveland, probably 5th or 6th graders, who did japanese drumming. these kids were just wailing away on their drums, and doing the yelling and stuff, and they even did a little dance around the perimeter of the sanctuary. it was great! it gave me hope and reassurance that what i'm doing with my life is important.
may 16: i again played bells in church, and i played trumpet with the choir. it went well...not like the song was hard or anything. i got a compliment from a former music teacher within the congregation that i did very well playing in tune with a mute in.
may 19: i went to a scholarship luncheon for a scholarship i received through the lorain county retired teachers association. it was nice. we got a free lunch and i made a tiny speech. i saw a few people i recognized, from my grandma who is a retired teacher.
may 21: this was more over the night into the 22nd, but petty details: i was a chaperone for my church's overnight lock-in. dear god i had forgotten what 15 year olds do when they ingest sugar. we played about 329852 games of dodgeball and 4253 games of hide and seek. that place is the BOMB to play hide n seek in!!
may 22: so i left the lock-in and went directly to alumni band practice... i was so hyper on coffee and no sleep it's a wonder they didn't lock me up. i finally got to see Benford after not talking to him since march. we didn't do much at practice because there there 5 drummers out of 8 people total. so we just b.s.ed for a while. heather took me to get my hair cut (halleluia) and i slept for a few hours. thennnn i went to the stadium for jessica's graduation. for some reason i remember it being a lot longer.
may 23: went to my cousin's for her housewarming party. it's really nice. i feel like i'm going to spend some time there this summer. heather and joe picked me up from there and we met up with the rest of jessica's immediate family at olive garden so her uncle al could celebrate her graduation. after that we watched Shrek 3 so i'm all caught up for the new movie.
may 25: the big thing was alumni band practice. i got to march with quads for the first time in my life. we're playing the fight song and a cadence. not gonna lie, it's a bit complicated to drum and not fall and march at the same time. Benford apparently thought i was doing pretty hot. it was really funny actually. we're playing a cadence that Benford wrote a long time ago, and there's two beats at the end where the quads do a filler before it repeats again. well, being the only quad, i was the only one playing during that. and he was standing next to me when we were playing, and when i did the little thing every time he was like "alright!" or "oh yeah!" or something. haha.
may 27: i played in my first official softball game. well, scrimmage. i'm helping brenda with a softball league in north ridgeville, and they were short the number of players. so i took left field. actually got some action, had to track down two balls and cover for the center fielder. got to hit too, but i got one grounder and two pop-ups. oh well. it was still fun. i'm too old to play officially, but it was still cool.
may 28: today! today was appreciation day for the class of 2010. honestly... honestly i was a little disappointed. not gonna lie. i know i'm biased and forever will be biased. but it just felt like there wasn't really any excitement. they just kind of went up there and did their thing... and left. and a lot of people were being pansies, too...sitting on the steps, not standing at attention, talking, etc. it was really pathetic. i remember being in band, starting the show at 7, and being in half darkness for the last 20 minutes of our show. this year they left before the lights even came on. and they didn't do the senior amazing grace. i spent most of the time with chili. at one point he turned to me and said 'you have a lot of cleaning up to do.' xD amen! when i'm in charge of that band, things will be different. things will be the way they're supposed to be. things will be exciting and people will want to be in band. and people will come to the square and sit 10 or 12 rows deep in the crowd. let's hope the job opens up and i get it.
tomorrow i'm waking up early to go to the high school for a drum practice at 9am. so i should probably go to bed sometime soon, since i've gotten in the terrible habit of going to sleep at 2 and waking up at 2. not good! lol.
so, until next time....
to world enough and time.

drying out

hey look! it's only been two weeks since i posted last, not a whole month!

so, since the 11th: most of my life has been spent doing work for classes and the music office. last weekend was crazy... there were three music events, all of which i had to attend. the first was the handbell choir concert. i'm one of the student managers and i play on the low end. let's just say that i'm building up my biceps again, lifting those giant bass bells. we performed okay. i'm not sure what happened, but we rehearsed better than we performed. oh well. then later that day, my friend gave her senior piano recital. she was so stunning, and i'm happy i got to usher her concert and help her out. the day after that, dr. s gave a faculty recital and i had to usher that one also. i happen to really like dr. s. i haven't had a class with him yet, but i've interacted with him in the office and such, and he seems like a really cool guy.
last week was really crazy. we had these guys from NASM, national association of schools of music, coming for our ten year re-evaluation. basically they have to check out every aspect of our music program and make sure we're still doing things right and can still be an accredited school and give out music degrees. for the past month or so, dr. schu has asked me to help him get stuff togther so these guys can look. they came on tuesday and wednesday. it was just really wierd to have other people invading our space. one would just randomly walk into a class and sit down and observe for a while. we had a students only meeting with them so they could get a different perspective. that didn't go as well as planned... it's all confidential so i can't get into details but basically they ripped a few people/things to shreds within the department. i don't know what NASM can do about it, but i have kind of a bad feeling. soooo anyway after they left things got back to normal. for my vocal pedagogy class, we went to a speech pathologist here and some people in our class got scoped; basically, they shove a camera down your nose or throat and look at your vocal chords. i did not do it. it didn't look very pleasant, so the other people did it. we had a big project due in my instrumental music class on thursday, and i'm glad i got it done. we had a scenario of a brand new music program, grades 6 through 12. and we got to budget everything we'd need to buy for this program. instruments, storage, everyyyyything. it was kind of stressful, actually, because it's hard to think of every single solitary thing that one might need in a building. we'll see if i forgot anything. and this weekend has been crazy also... friday night, i went to the american international association formal (pictures coming) with rachel because she needed a date. it was nice. pretty sure that's the first time i've worn a dress at college haha. after the formal, rachel and i went ghosthunting. lolz. it was actually kind of creepy. we were looking for this bridge where a mother killed her baby and herself. we didn't know exactly which one it was, but we found a bridge and so we were just sitting there, listening and waiting. and then, rachel's phone vibrates with a text. her phone was kind of under my leg in the passenger seat and when it went off i almost peed my pants. i don't think i've ever been that scared to have a phone go off!
yesterday, rachel, lauren and i went out to w's to fish. it was kind of a bust because it started raining, and then afterwards it got realllllllllly still. however, i took the kayak out (rachel took the canoe) and it was peaceful to chill for a while.








last night was Relay for Life on campus. we did a fishing club team and set up our tent. honestly, it was kind of awful. it started raining about 6pm and didn't stop until about 1. so S. and i set up the tent in the rain, walked in the rain, and got very very very wet. my feet were wet since about 2pm yesterday until about 11am today, from fishing until a warm shower.

well, i should probably get ready for the concert i have to usher today. oy vay. orchestra and singers. oh joy.

birdland

god i suck at posting!!

so let's see... since i last posted... i went home for easter. that's always fun. i was in elyria for literally 48 hours, then had to turn right around and come back to witt. it really annoys me that they don't allow us to have easter monday off. i mean, people have dinners with their families on sunday, and that is cut short because we have to be back in time for class on monday morning. it annoys me.

last week the big event was registering for classes. somehow every semester i get screwed over... i wasn't approved by my advisor to register until two hours after my designated time, which meant that the classes i needed for my gen. ed credits were closed. so now i have to go through the business of talking to professors and convincing them to add me to their class. looks like there's another chat with w in there somewhere.

thursday we observed a middle school and high school band. i was mostly impressed. the teacher, mr. shook, is really awesome. he looks like a football coach if you were to stereotype him. he's so sarcastic and jokes around alot with his students, but i could tell that he held them to very high standards. though i'm really surprised he still has vocal chords - he would just randomly scream when the band screwed up or something. if i have any say in where i student teach, it's gonna be with that guy!

yesterday and today were two senior recitals... one a violinist and one a soprano. they were both really very good. it's making me nervous, though, because the time is coming for me to present my own recital. it's not required to do a recital(yet, though it probably will be by the time i graduate) but i'm thinking about doing a joint junior recital with lauren and rachel. and then my senior recital is me, all by myself. i actually don't mind performing in front of people, i just don't know if i have the endurance to put on a 45 minute or hour recital. especially when my jury piece this semester is frikkin crazy:



i have been working hard on this piece so far, and i feel generally confident about it. it just seems like may 7th is far away when in reality it isn't. and this semester i have to do a piano jury also. oh, and i have four tests this week. oh and i have two projects due in two weeks.

i have to say though... i was thinking about this earlier today - i really can't imagine myself studying anything other than music. i can't see myself being a sociology major or an english major or something like that. so much of my life revolves around music and those classes that i can't even picture myself sitting in an english class writing papers and stuff. it's wierd.

anyway, i've finished boring you for now.
it'll probably be another two weeks by the time you have to read this meaningless blog again! :D

our light is broken

another week has come and gone...
unfortunately the nice spring weather didn't last long. we had cold days and on friday, it snowed. wtf? it literally snowed for 8 hours and then melted. that's sweet, right? bhlarrrgh.

so yeah, i'm chilling in the library right now. the lights at our table don't work so i'm sitting basically in the corner, shrouded in darkness. i feel like a ninja. lauren is trying to find books for our project on celtic music, and i am sitting here watching her purse.

this past week was really eventful in many ways. it was advising week, so i met up with dr. w a few times to get my schedule in order and plan out the next two years. basically, i have three semesters left to squeeze everything in. i will have to stay next summer, especially if i am going to do an honor's thesis in order to get an honor's diploma. w thinks it's a good idea because he says that i am going to be a professor of teacher education one day, and that always looks good on resumes. i really don't know if i can do it though, because i still have to take two honors courses plus write an honors thesis, and this all has to be done before the spring of my senior year. i can't take any other classes that semester because i will be student teaching full time. so three semesters it is. god i'm scared. i really have no clue if this is going to happen... but i REALLY do not want to stay an extra year, and i really can't. my scholarships are only for four years, and i will not have the funds to cover the rest of it unless i declare independency from my parents and take out loans. i don't want to be in debt the rest of my life. ugggh things are so complicated. i've met with w twice so far, and i'll probably have to meet with him again.

thursday i got to have a semi-private lesson with a really great trumpet player... he hosted a masterclass and i was literally the only student. it was really helpful, actually. i learned that i work too hard when playing, and i need to improve my breathing. then this guy gave a recital on friday night. damn i wish i could play like that. he played a really well known trumpet piece, and it was really cool to hear the inner movements because i am not as familiar with them.

friday... friday was really nice, minus the snow! we were supposed to go observe some high school bands in the area, but they all had a snow day. soooo because i had already been excused from classes... i didn't go lol. i only really missed info in my stats class, but i can catch that up.

saturday, jarred gave his junior recital. i thought he did really well. he's such a great pianst, even though he doesn't think so. after that, we hung out at his house for most of the night.

yesterday professor fab gave her last official recital before retirement. i can't even begin to tell you how amazing she is. i love that woman to death - she's so talented and such a wonderful person.

OHHH!! i almost forgot! last wednesday was housing lottery. savannah and i got a two person house on fountain ave. for next year. i am soooo excited. it is a giant house that has been split into different little apartments, and we are the only two person one. all the others are one person. i feel like we are going to be the loud obnoxious neighbors lol.

well, we will see how life goes. things are busy. life is good. it's going to be near 70 degrees on wednesday. i'm going home for easter on friday morning!

In springtime, the only pretty ringtime

HOORAY!!! SPRING!!!



the vernal equinox has come and gone, and what is left is longer days, warmer weather, and general better moods. i noticed a change on campus as soon as we got back from break... everyone was nicer to each other, people were out jogging, relaxing, playing, frolicking... :D

the past week has been kind of stressful getting back into the swing of things. my sleep schedule has taken some time to readjust. have had to do some work just to generally catch up, but that's okay.

we had two concerts this past week, and i got to be at both of them. the first was a performance by one of the voice teachers, and i flipped pages for the amazing organist extraordinare, trudy faber, esq. it was quite a different experience being up there rather than in the audience. it felt like the organ was coming from all around me, not at me. wild.
the second concert was quite an emotional one - it was dr. busarow's last home concert of a 28 year reign. they had almost two hundred alumni return to campus for this. i think the choir put on the best concert of their lives. there are two songs that are sung at the end of every concert - when i surveyed the wondrous cross and the benediction. and to see all the alumni join the choir at the front of the church, and then surround the entire audience for the benediction... so powerful. we gave them a silent ovation; after the benediction, no one clapped, no one cheered, no one moved. dr. busarow left his podium and walked down the center aisle of the chapel in complete silence. i wasn't even in choir and i was crying. afterwards, there was a reception in the cdr which was pretty fun. alumni told a bunch of stories from their experiences and from choir tour (the choir takes a trip every spring break and sings at churches - this year they went to the east coast). it was a great time, and i could tell that even though dr. b was pretty emotional (who wouldn't be, after 28 years and interacting with almost 500 choir members?) he held things together quite gracefully. i know it will be hard for him to leave the choir and have someone else directing, because that choir is very much his identity. but - with time, things will be well.

that was friday night. friday morning i had to wake up ungodly early to go to a local middle school to observe some bands. i got to see fifth grade and up. i was impressed at the sheer number of kids involved in music at that school! it gives me hope.

yesterday sav and i took a trip out to dr. w's place. he has a pond, so we went fishing. didn't catch anything, unfortunately. the wind kept blowing our boat to the far shore. but it was really nice to relax and soak in some sun and spend time with w and sav outside the college world. i feel so refreshed after communing with nature.

today has been busy; we had housing tours for a place to live next year. sav and i found two houses and faculty court apartments. i would be happy living in any of those, honestly. i just really hope things are worked out... our lottery number isn't the greatest, but maybe there'll be a miracle and we'll be able to live somewhere NOT in the dorms...
we also had our budget hearing today for fishing club. basically, we have to go in front of student senate and had to justify them giving us almost a thousand dollars over the course of next year for the club. i thought it went really well, our budget was consise and laid out well. hopefully we'll get most of the money we asked for.

so now i am going to spend the rest of the day doing homework. yayyy. i have some projects coming up, so my time is going to be cut even shorter. oh well.

adios muchachos!

it's like gravity

why is it that the people i cherish the most are the ones i never get to spend enough time with?

i went to see benford today at prospect. first time in two months. he split up the group into woodwinds and brass, and i was in charge of the brass... god it was awful. we were in the gym which is naturally loud, and when you've got about 15 flutes/clarinets competing with 10 trombones/trumpets - it really never ends up well. i could tell they really wanted to learn and play, but it was just hard with the other group trying to do their own thing too. after prospect we went to hazel's for lunch. we talked about how elyria is changing, and some about the budget cuts at the schools. what i like most about talking to benford is that even though things are sometimes really rough and kind of shitty, he can always find something positive. so after lunch, we went over to oakwood. i was really impressed. those kids are actually really great players. first we saw these two flute players who wanted to just play play play the whole time - they kept asking if they could do another song. then we met with a kid who just started playing trumpet about a month ago. when he hit a note successfully, it was some really great tone. he actually had trouble hitting lower notes, which in my opinion is better than struggling to hit high notes. he had no trouble playing higher. then two boys who played trombone; this one kid was totally rockin' it and he actually grasped the concept of a decsending scale. then were two drummers who were totally hyper but they read along with the entire page of music for a piece they'll be playing in their may concert. and then there was one lone clarinet player who actually was really good, though quiet. he could read the song and play it without much difficulty or having to start over. i was honestly amazed at how good some of them were, for being fifth graders. after we were done teaching, benford and i hung out outside waiting for jessica at oakwood. we just had a really random talk as is usual with him. then jess showed up and we all chatted for a while. after that, i helped take jessica's cat to the vet to get his stitches out of a big gash on his side. the poor kitty was crying in the car the whole time, darn near broke my heart. wendy's for dinner and then to plato's closet where none of us really found any clothes.

i just wanted to update a little since i did something out in the world today. probably going to the high school tomorrow to see a few teachers, since i haven't seen them since december or before. ugh, that means i have to get up semi-early. what happened to catching up on sleep over break?!

the best time to wear a striped sweater

oooh! update, update! i AM a festival!

i am at home in wonderful ol' e-town. mom came down and got me saturday morning. jeez, witt clears out super fast for breaks, and i was pretty much alone on the floor friday night. this was okay with me, because i felt like shit friday. actually left work early and skipped my first class... and went back and slept for hours. my roommate left friday evening, so i had the rest of the night to myself. the ride home was uneventful. when we got back to e-town, mom and i visited my grandmother for a while. she's so adorable... lately she's been sending articles related to music and arts from the Plain Dealer. just something small to find in my mailbox, because i hardly get any other mail. it's something nice to brighten my day.

yesterday was hella busy. my mom was the liturgist for church, so we had to be there at the ungodly (haha) hour of 8:30. lately i've been singing in the church choir since they badly need singers and the director is one of my friends. so i spent time rehearsing with them and learning (aka sightreading) the piece they'd be singing in church. i kind of like singing in the choir, since mom is doing now and otherwise i'd be sitting by myself! after church, my mom had this meeting with two other church members. it's part of a new program of prayer and discipleship that our pastor has started. so i sat in on that... and i had a minor revelation. for those of you that know me (and some that might not), i'm not necessarily a "religious" person. i'm still struggling with what i believe and where i stand in terms of formal religion, though i do enjoy going to our church. i feel comfortable there,and i agree with the church/denomination's wider philosophy. http://ucc.org/
i guess i just am still trying to figure out the whole god/jesus idea. i think church for me is more about the community we build. i always find something inspiring within the people or what they're doing as far as outreach and community service. yesterday morning, it was one of the kids that surprised me. every week, the children of the church have a small "children's message" before they go off to church school. it's just a small informal thing where they talk about the bible story of the day and then go downstairs. they always do a prayer, and the children's pastor asked if anyone would like to say a prayer. one boy, his name is matt, ended up doing it, and it was so graceful and simple and eloquent i literally had tears in my eyes. he said somethng along the line of "dear god, thank you for your grace, love and joy. amen". i thought it was so powerful that you don't need fancy words to pray or be a special person to worhip. and that's what leads me to my next point. do forgive me because this might be REALLY nerdy... but - i found that the feeling i get when i leave church is the same feeling i get when i play music or leave a rehearsal. so does that then mean that making music is my act of worship? i'm often happy, optimistic, and uplifted. and hey, in my humble opinion, isn't that what worship (of any kind) is all about? i really dislike those beliefs that say that god does bad things because people deserve it, or it's some kind of punishment. isn't god supposed to love everyone? aren't the teachings of jesus to love one another and to be kind and forgiving and full of grace? i know i'm not perfect, but i'd rather be judged by myself to my own standards than by someone else to standards that don't make sense to me. i've worn a ring on my middle finger of my left hand for at least two years - just a simple thing, silver, and inscribed on it is "God is Love." and i think that's really the only thing i stand by. god is love.

okay. religion rant is over. promise.

after church/meeting/lunch, my mom took me over to a friend's house so we could go to a meeting. this was a meeting for FOWL, or friends of wetlands. http://fowl.org/ it's a group my dad has been a part of since before i was born. it's basically a bunch of people who think the environment is important to protect and take care of... and yeah, there might be a few hippies. but since my dad has been involved with fowl, he brought me along to meetings and such since i was a little wee one. the group sent out a mailing four times a year of a newsletter with updates for members. i have memories of being in john katko's (the president of the group) basement late at night, collating and stapling and sticking and sealing those newsletters... and john katko swearing at the copy machine when it broke... and holding a salamander... and eating fresh string beans from his garden... and the music people made around fires...
i realized at this meeting yesterday that the members of fowl are like an extended part of my family. i've got my blood relatives that have seen me grow up, and i've also got the fowl family who have been around my entire life. they're really an eclectic group of people. a few are teachers; grandparents; musicians; librarians; writers; computer geeks... all of them were my parents' friends from way back. i cherish each of them in a unique way. i kind of lost touch with them because dad hasn't been as involved with fowl in recent years, and then of course i went off to school. i guess this meeting yesterday made me realize how lucky i am, because i feel like any of them would help me out if i called them up with a problem. anyway, what i guess i'm saying is that i feel very blessed to have a group of people who have been influential on my growing-up in a different way than family...i don't get to see any of them nearly enough.

wow. okay, this is a really long post. promise i'm almost done!!

today i went to great northern with stephanie and kelly. we got some food, went to platos closet and half priced books. i got two shirts (one of which is a REALLY cute button down shirt that actually doesn't cut off the circulation to my biceps) and a nice pair of khaki's. and then at half priced books i got a book of poetry by robert penn warren. -dies- he's my favorite poet... and here's my favorite poem: http://tinyurl.com/yborsnh

anyhoo... i'm going to see benford tomorrow!! yayyyyyy!!
other than that, i don't know what the rest of my week will consist of.

more to come, i'm sure!