Phone call to Mom

Things have been kind of crazy recently. I just got off the phone with my mom and just like moms tend to do all the stress and anxiety hit me when I talked it all out with her.

First and foremost she called to tell me my grandmother is in the hospital again. She's had a bad cough for close to a month and recently has been eating less and drinking less, struggling more and more to do basic things and finally mom and my uncle decided to call an ambulance so she could get care. She has bone cancer and for a while was in remission but recently found more of it on her lower spine and hips. She has been taking chemo in pill form (weird to think about) and that somewhat contributed to how she's feeling. She also has pretty bad arthritis and has been complaining of pain in her legs/knees in addition to the cancer. So basically mom called and told me that we're going to go through the same ordeal we did a few years ago where she'll spend time in the hospital and then go to Lifecare, a rehabilitation place. While we were talking my uncle called with more information - she has a blood clot and a uti - the two things that put her in the hospital twice before. Mom says that because of the arthritis and the weakness that comes from fighting cancer that she'll probably not walk again. So now the next decision is what to do - assisted living or a live-in nurse kind of thing. Basically I'm scared and sad and missing her and my family.

Second, I told her some of the things that have been going on in my job. Things at the school have been tough recently because of this improvement process we have to go through. The undertone is that the school is failing, the teachers are failing, and outside people have to swoop in and prescribe an already-set plan of action that will fix everything. It feels degrading, impersonal, and factory-line-esque. Needless to say, this doesn't make for the best work atmosphere and no wonder some teachers are feeling it. It is maddening and sickening and frustrating to no end the complete helplessness I feel. In addition to all of this, a guy who has been in and out of prison for violence made threats last week against a teacher, and so they had to go through security policies and lock-down drills and it is so fucking scary to think about all that.

On a brighter note I went to church this morning for the first time in a long time. I attend church every time I'm home because (see last post) it's where I grew up. But there's a neighborhood UCC church not far from my apartment so I just sucked it up this morning and went, even though I'm still trying to work through a lot of my beliefs and understandings of faith. The pastor knows my boss and has heard of our organization, so that was a natural opening for conversation which was way better than the small talk I hate. Practically everyone (there were only about 30 people in church) came up and introduced themselves and said that they were happy I was there. The service itself was familiar to me in mechanics, which overall was just comforting. I personally am a fan of a more formal service because I like how everything is done for a reason, there's a purpose behind it. I also really like that the congregation just voted to become an Open and affirming church. They are the 1,076th church to openly declare that they do not discriminate against race, gender, sexual orientation preference, or expression. This is something I care about personally and think it's really cool for this church to go through the process.

So anyway. Tomorrow is Monday. New starts.

Ashes to Ashes

For some time I have been wrestling with the idea of religion and spirituality. I do not think these things are the same thing or mutually exclusive, but dependent (at the very least linked) and complimentary.

I consider myself lucky in the religion sense. I have attended the same church since toddlerhood: was baptized there, confirmed there, and perhaps someday married there. That church is an extended family to me and provides comfort and support. The church I attend is part of the United Church of Christ denomination (UCC) and you can read more about our values here. One of the reasons I still say I am part of the UCC is because of their "liberal" ideals: We are open to any gender, race, orientation, or background and do not discriminate upon any of those personal identifiers. Reflecting now, my involvement in this faith community has directly contributed to my personal values - social justice, equality, peace, and more broadly loving and caring for everyone.
But in college I rarely attended church or frankly anything religious. I went to the campus contemporary worship service a few times (probably like half a dozen) and it was always okay, but not quite fulfilling. I attended various worship services in the city when I was part of the women's choir, but that's it.
The main reason I haven't attended church is because I am struggling internally with some of the traditional churchy values. In some way, I don't quite believe it. Jesus Christ as my savior, my personal relationship with God, repenting for my sins, etc. It is hard for me to believe in God because I am a realist. Also, the whole 'warriors for Christ' thing really turns me off.
Case in point. I attended an Ash Wednesday service tonight with some friends and we sang a song in the middle of the service. Parts of it referenced taking up our swords and fighting the fight for the Kingdom of God. I just really dislike the undertones of violence. I understand evangelism and what point they're trying to make here, but that language really doesn't sit well with me. Speaking of language - why, whyyyyyyy is God ALWAYS a guy?? As soon as somebody says "He" (yes, with a capital H) my stomach actually kind of lurches. Now I know there are many churches trying to erase this antiquated terminology (my home church included!) but unfortunately hearing that just makes me shut down.
The sermon tonight (that's what I'm going to call it because that's what I'm used to calling it) discussed what the time of Lent is for. Ash Wednesday kicks off the 40 days of Lent by reminding everyone to get their heads out of their asses, stop being a hypocrite and that we are all but tiny blips on the universal radar. The guy who talked encouraged us to shine the proverbial flashlight around inside ourselves and wrestle with our shortcomings. Now this I can get into. it's okay to fall short. However, rather than just acknowledge that we have vices and jealousies and struggles - it's important to also note where those things come from. Were they left over from a less-than-ideal childhood? Are they fueled by unhealthy relationships? Are they a product of not following your true passions? Too often I think people justify bad habits (very broad term there, habit) and sometimes don't even think twice about them. But to me, Lent is about taking pause. Stopping and almost taking a snapshot: is this really who you want to be? Is this where you want to be? Is this how you want people to regard you? Now that toes a thin line because I for one know I get too wrapped up in what people think about me. But after looking at that snapshot, what happens? In the words of my favorite songwriter, we gotta do much more than believe if we want to change things.
So here's what I've decided. Rather than get jealous because I wasn't asked to help with a project, I'm going to work harder on the stuff I do have to do and produce the best work I can. Rather than get annoyed with someone because they're not following through, I'm going to hold them up and acknowledge that people have lots of things going on in their lives that we may not be aware of. Rather than comparing myself to others and perpetually think I'm really sucking, I'm going to redirect and tell myself that I am good enough, I am not perfect, I am not always going to be on, and that's okay. Rather than isolate myself because I am scared or worried, I am going to suck it up and step out of that comfort zone and get the thing done - because here's the thing. It's not about me.
It's about us.