Phone call to Mom

Things have been kind of crazy recently. I just got off the phone with my mom and just like moms tend to do all the stress and anxiety hit me when I talked it all out with her.

First and foremost she called to tell me my grandmother is in the hospital again. She's had a bad cough for close to a month and recently has been eating less and drinking less, struggling more and more to do basic things and finally mom and my uncle decided to call an ambulance so she could get care. She has bone cancer and for a while was in remission but recently found more of it on her lower spine and hips. She has been taking chemo in pill form (weird to think about) and that somewhat contributed to how she's feeling. She also has pretty bad arthritis and has been complaining of pain in her legs/knees in addition to the cancer. So basically mom called and told me that we're going to go through the same ordeal we did a few years ago where she'll spend time in the hospital and then go to Lifecare, a rehabilitation place. While we were talking my uncle called with more information - she has a blood clot and a uti - the two things that put her in the hospital twice before. Mom says that because of the arthritis and the weakness that comes from fighting cancer that she'll probably not walk again. So now the next decision is what to do - assisted living or a live-in nurse kind of thing. Basically I'm scared and sad and missing her and my family.

Second, I told her some of the things that have been going on in my job. Things at the school have been tough recently because of this improvement process we have to go through. The undertone is that the school is failing, the teachers are failing, and outside people have to swoop in and prescribe an already-set plan of action that will fix everything. It feels degrading, impersonal, and factory-line-esque. Needless to say, this doesn't make for the best work atmosphere and no wonder some teachers are feeling it. It is maddening and sickening and frustrating to no end the complete helplessness I feel. In addition to all of this, a guy who has been in and out of prison for violence made threats last week against a teacher, and so they had to go through security policies and lock-down drills and it is so fucking scary to think about all that.

On a brighter note I went to church this morning for the first time in a long time. I attend church every time I'm home because (see last post) it's where I grew up. But there's a neighborhood UCC church not far from my apartment so I just sucked it up this morning and went, even though I'm still trying to work through a lot of my beliefs and understandings of faith. The pastor knows my boss and has heard of our organization, so that was a natural opening for conversation which was way better than the small talk I hate. Practically everyone (there were only about 30 people in church) came up and introduced themselves and said that they were happy I was there. The service itself was familiar to me in mechanics, which overall was just comforting. I personally am a fan of a more formal service because I like how everything is done for a reason, there's a purpose behind it. I also really like that the congregation just voted to become an Open and affirming church. They are the 1,076th church to openly declare that they do not discriminate against race, gender, sexual orientation preference, or expression. This is something I care about personally and think it's really cool for this church to go through the process.

So anyway. Tomorrow is Monday. New starts.