down in the clear blue

i'm aware that i haven't posted a blog for a while. over a week, actually. a few eventful things happened.

firstly, i guess the biggest thing... my great aunt died last week. she'd been of failing health for a while, but an aneurism and a few strokes later, she passed away. the funeral was saturday morning. and i was fine until we went to the cemetery and buried her next to my grandfather. since i can count the number of times i've been to the cemetary on one hand, it brought up a whole bucket of emotions/grief that i honestly wasn't prepared to deal with. i still can't believe how poorly i handle that kind of thing. i can't believe it's been 6 years since he died.

i also went skinny dipping. like, hardcore. it was quite funny actually. COLD, too. there were four of us in the pool. at one point, brittany's neighbor came out and yelled at us. i mean, it was dark and she couldn't see anything, but i was trying so hard not to make a sound. and then somebody went on the deck and turned the motion sensor light on... so we all freaked out for like 10 minutes, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible while waiting for the light to go off. afterwards, we were all pretty freezing and hungry, so we went to Denny's. then we came back and learned the cup game from zoom in an hour. i've successfully passed it on to my cousins, too. then we watched liar liar (it's a goose!) and finally fell asleep between 4 and 5. woke up around 11 and got bitched out by brittany's mom because we apparently woke her up.

i've had a few interesting discussions about religion recently. the pastor who spoke at my aunt's funeral, rather than commemorating and celebrating aunt ruthie's life, talked all about finding forgiveness for our sins and accepting jesus christ as our savior. and if we didn't do that, then we wouldn't be going to heaven. it just rubbed me the wrong way. obviously i've made some bad decisions, but i don't necessarily consider them sins. and when i'm made to feel guilty - isn't there something wrong with that? i didn't realize religion was a guilt trip. i thought it was about loving and accepting and helping people out. not guilt. but i had a talk with my mom, and jessica, and a few people from church over brunch. it was wierd how energized and excited it got me. a few people from church always ask me when i'm going to seminary. even though it's not even remotely in my plans... it's still kind of intriguing. i have a lot more questions before i even begin to explore that route. and plus, i think music is the path for me. i can't really see myself pastoring to a church. there are sides of ministry that really interest me, and there are other parts that really turn me off. who knows. hopefully one day i'll figure all this out.

the other really giant thing i've found out/dealt with recently can't really be discussed here. it involves some deceit, questions, too many emotions, and choices. for fear of who could discover this... i'm going to keep it private. but i sure hope things are going to get better.