i'm wondering

i haven't done anything of real excitement the past couple of days... i helped at my church's food pantry yesterday, which makes me feel good. people from the county can come and depending on the number of people they are getting food for, we will give them all kinds of pantry items, from canned food to drinks to pasta. i helped people as they walked through the shelves, picking what they wanted and how much they could have. everyone i helped was so appreciative and kind. one man in particular, it was his first time there and he was obviously mexican or puerto rican or something. i got to take him through the pantry. he said to me - "i can't speak english so good. it's hard for me." and i just told him he was fine, i was trying to help. it just about broke my heart. he was getting food for six people. SIX! and that just makes me think of all the people out there who aren't getting help, don't know about these things. another lady came through, and i recognized her from various hot meals and things with other churches downtown. she was just getting food for herself. she told me that she was having trouble finding a job, but was "doing the Lord's work". and i realized -- those couple of days helping in the food pantry have meant more to me than all the sunday mornings sitting in church. i've always kind of had trouble with the miracles and the healings and all that... i like to think jesus was more of an ancient pete seeger, singing about love and peace and that good stuff. it's hard for me to believe in something i have no connection to, besides blind faith. i mean, i know that's what church is all about, but it's tough for me. but the food pantry gives me something concrete to hold on to. i feel like i can really make a difference, i can really DO something. we all graduated high school, had all these dreams of changing the world, going out and doing grand things. but what have any of us really accomplished? what have I accomplished? went to school, paid too much money for education, took some classes. whoo hoo. but right now - this very second - not in four years, when i graduate with a piece of paper and start looking for a job -- right now -- i can help people. just by simply showing up at my church in the morning and giving some cans of food to anyone who walks through the door.

that's all.

i am getting ready to go on a "cheering up" mission.

peace!