I haven't posted in a while for a few reasons:
1) I am so freaking tired after coming home the last thing I want to do is labor over some writing
2) I haven't been able to put effectively into words how I've been feeling (aka a source of writer's block for the overwhelming majority of writers).
However, after crying in the car on the way home from Monday Margaritas with my boss and coworker,
1) I feel totally unprepared after college for 'the real world', or whatever this is
2) and that's mostly because I am not in a place where I can have philosophical conversations about my future
3) because I have no idea what the hell I'm going to be doing after June
4) because see number 1 above.
Am I going to go to grad school next year? Probably not. Why? Because 1) I haven't taken the GRE or written a personal statement or really have any sort of writing that is fit to share with admissions and 2) I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WOULD STUDY.
The unfortunate thing is that i feel like one of those jaded people... "college isn't all it's cracked up to be." And in some sense that's true. For the first time after coming to Witt four years ago I am no longer disillusioned by the idea of college in general and am able to see what little good it did me. Don't get me wrong, I am in a totally different place now. College definitely moved me from the k-12 conception of education. But insofar as college was supposed to prepare me for what comes next... nope. Maybe that's my misunderstanding. Maybe college should put me in the place where I am questioning everything I thought I stood for and everything I thought I knew.
Most of this stems from the fact that I am operating in a different fashion than most people. I'm not going to get a raise in this job, or promoted, or frankly any bonus of some sort. And I'll probably not get fired either, unless I do something really F*$&ed up (unlikely). So what is my motivation? In the school and even within this organization, the minimum is regarded as good. So why should I bust my ass every day when I get no more or no less than the other person who does so little? I am certainly not in this for the glory; anyone working in the schools or with poor kids is not in it for the glory. At the same time, I am so frustrated by people who get by with so little effort that it makes me feel as if I'm doing something wrong for busting my ass.
And I FREAKING MISS MY FAMILY.
#endofrant
#screweverything
