i don't know what that was. but it kind of hurt.

Well.

it's been a really long time since i actually POSTED. as soon as i got back to witt from break, it's been nonstop. sooooo busy. last week was mostly just getting back into the swing of things... had a lot of assignments due. this week, too - two papers, and i've got two papers due next week also. thank goodness none of them are really long and involved. my education paper was 9 pages, but it was about mentoring and i have a lot of stuff to talk about on that particular subject. last weekend lauren and i drove around springfield, and i went to Sonic for the first time in my life. apparently it's just a southern thing... we get the commercials at home but there are none around. so we went to sonic, took a tour of springfield, and ended up having a mini photo shoot, lol.



she's turning out to be one of my best friends, which is really great. most of the time when we get together we end up just laughing. and oh my god, the inside jokes. it's a grand old time!

this past tuesday, i also had my interview for peer helper. they are a group on campus basically there if anyone needs a person to talk to, if they're having problems or struggling with something. the first time i heard about it, it sounded like everything i was into. it's all about compassion and being there for people and empathy. i think my interview went really well... i sure hope i get it. that would be totally awesome. and i would get to come back to campus three days early for the training session, so i wouldn't have to move my crap in with everyone else!!

i also got pegged to be the OCMEA treasurer for next year. that's ohio collegiate music education association for you illiterates out there. it doesn't sound like a very tough job, but hey, i think it'll be fun. pretty much all of the underclassmen get officer positions, because there will be three seniors student teaching next year. i hope we also get some new people - there were some students interested in music ed. at the past audition days. we'll see what happens, i guess.

this weekend was little sibs weekend. i asked jessica to come down, and she got here yesterday afternoon. last night was a blast, but she woke me up this morning at 10am which was wayyyy to early in my opinion. she didn't feel so great today, though, so she went home tonight. i was kind of bummed out... but i didn't want her to be miserable the whole weekend. hopefully i could get a few friends to come stay with me another time. that'd be sweet.

so anyway. that's life. just keepin' on keepin' on. i should probably get a start on my massive pile of homework... it's 10:49. nahhhhh.

la de freaking da

Put yes or no next to each one.

I have eaten more than 5 meals a day. yes

I have read a lot of books. yes

I have been on some sort of varsity team. does varsity band count?!

I have run more than 2 miles without stopping. yes

I have been to Canada. yes

I have watched cartoons for hours. yes

I have tripped UP the stairs. yes

I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs. no

I have been snowboarding/skiing. no

I have played ping pong. yes

I swam in the ocean. yes

I have been on a whale watch. no

I have seen fireworks. yes

I have seen a shooting star. yes

I have seen a meteor shower. yes

I have almost drowned. no

I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear. yes

I have listened to one cd over & over & over again. yes

I have had stitches. yes

I have been on the honor roll. yes

I have had frostbite. no

I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there. yes

I have stayed up till 2AM doing homework/projects. yes

I currently have a job. yes

I have been ice skating. no

I have been rollerblading. yes

I have fallen flat on my face. yes

I have tripped over my own two feet. yes

I have been in a fist fight. no

I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight. no

I have watched the Power Rangers. yes

I do/did attend Church regularly. yes

I have played truth or dare. yes

I have already had my 16th birthday. yes

I have already had my 17th birthday. yes

I've lost weight since one year ago. hahaha no

I've called someone stupid. And meant it. no

I've been in a verbal argument. yes

I've cried in school. yes

I've played basketball on a team. no

I've played baseball on a team. no

I've played football on a team. no

I've played soccer on a team. no

I've done dance on a team. no

I've played softball on a team. no

I've played volleyball on a team. yes

I've played tennis on a team. no

I've been on a track team. yes

I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life. yes

I've bungee jumped. no

I've climbed a rock wall. yes

I've lost more than $20. yes

I've called myself an idiot. YES

I've called someone else an idiot. yes

I've cried myself to sleep. yes

I've had (or have) pets. yes

I've owned a Spice Girls CD. no

I've owned a Britney Spears CD. no

I've owned an *NSYNC CD. no

I've owned a Backstreet Boys CD. yes

I've mooned someone. yes

I've sworn at someone in authority. no

I've been in the newspaper. yes

I've been on TV. yes

I've been to Hawaii. no

I've eaten sushi. yes

I've been on the other side of a waterfall. yes

I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies. no

I've watched all the Harry Potter movies. yes

I've watched all of the Rocky movies. no

I've watched The Three Stooges. yes

I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica. no

I've watched Looney Tunes. yes

I've been stuffed into a locker. yes

I've been called a geek. yes

I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade. yes

I've not studied at all for a test and aced it. yes

I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hours. noooo :(

I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours. no

I've met a celebrity/music artist. no

I've written poetry. yes

I've been attracted to someone much older than me. yes

I've been tickled till I've cried. yes

I've tickled someone else until they cried. yes

I've had/have siblings. yes

I've been to a rock concert. yes

I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it. yes

I've been in a play. no

I've been picked last in gym class. yes

I've been picked first in gym class. yes

I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class. yes

I've cried in front of my friends. yes

I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages. yes

I've played Halo 2. yes

I've freaked out over a sports game. yes

I've been to Alaska. no

I've been to China. no

I've been to Spain. no

I've been to Japan. no

I've had a fight with someone on AIM. yes

I've had a fight with someone face-to-face. yes

I've had serious converstations on an IM. yes

I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me. yes

I've been forgiven. yes

I've screamed at a scary movie. yes

I've cried at a chick flick. yes

I've laughed at a scary movie. yes

I've watched a lot of action movies. yes

I've screamed at the top of my lungs. yes

I've been to a rap concert. no

wtf do i do now?

GOD i am an IDIOT.
why did i think that things would ever turn out differently?

i suppose i get what i deserve. because i knew going into it. and oh fuck.

i sincerely hope you're not an asshole. because that's what people have been telling me, and i refuse to believe it.

fuck my life.

disappear.

emo poetry

i saw the light on in the bedroom window,
but i was too chicken to knock on the door.

i saw the car in the driveway,
but i was too ashamed to pass.

i saw the reflection in the mirror,
but i was too scared to say the words aloud.

so for now
i'll fight with myself

and pretend things are okay

smile one of those smiles,
"just fine".

you don't know how it feels,
to steal a line from tom petty.
i wish you did.
'cause then things might be different.

but no.
they're not.

and i sit writing emo poetry
instead of talking about the things that matter
and the things that don't
and feeling sorry for myself

i make bad decisions.
but incredibly i don't regret it.

i just wish i knew what to do with myself.

the luckiest.

why did i ever think things would turn out differently? - 'cause that's my pathetic little life. can never control how i feel and then it comes back to haunt me for a long time.

god i'm an idiot.

just punch me. in the face. 'cause i'm about to do that to myself.

lalalaaaaaaaaaa

How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
Name
...believe in true love?	yesnoI wish I didI wish I didn'tmost definitelynot until someone proved it to me
Your hands say	I'm always here even if you have to reach for me.
Your eyes say	You're amazing.
Your hugs say	I promise I will try to keep you safe.
Your kisses say	You mean the world to me.
Your body says	I want to wake up beside you.
Your heart says	Te amo.

"don't disturb me, or i'll kill myself then kill you and all your pets"

well... break...

so tuesday i got a shot. it wasn't as bad as the first time, when i got dizzy and sick to my stomach. it just felt like somebody socked me in the arm really hard. mom and i did some shopping, and then met my brother's fiancee to try on bridesmaid dresses. we found one we really liked, although i'm going to have to have it hemmed about four inches 'cause i'm so SHORT. anyway, i'll get around to pictures once it's altered.
wednesday, i went to the college with brenda. i actually went to her civilizations class, i know i know, who the hell goes to class on their spring break. but it was alright, besides the fact that i had a hard time keeping my eyes open. that's not due to the teacher, he was awesome, i was just really tired!!

we picked up kelly and went up to the high school to see some teachers... i had a wonderful time. i hadn't seen mrs. runion since i graduated, and we got to spend a lot of time with her, so that really made me happy.


the rest of the day i just read harry potter, lol. got through all them except for deathly hallows - that one i had to bring back to witt with me.
anyway... i went to kelly's house for a little bit on thursday. it was pretty awesome (pig phuck, well shit, i love you bitch) :D :D



then i went to get my hair cut. if i do nothing else over trips home, i get my hair cut!!! although by may, when i will be able to get it cut next, it'll probably be down to my kneecaps.

friday was my dad's birthday party. we went out to a really nice restaurant, and i had the best steak i've eaten.


(my dad is being a goofball in this picture, but oh well, it's still funny.)

then we had a movie night at brittany's house... man that was a crazy time. kelly, brittany and i were all spooning on the floor, then we got realllllly hyper, and i think we pissed the couch people off quite a lot. my abs hurt the next day, not sure if that's from laughing so hard or lying on the floor.


saturday, i went to my aunt's house for a small (well, not really, there were over 20 people there) get-together. i just happened to add my cousin's screenname into my buddy list, and whaddya know, he's online. so we did a video chat halfway across the world - he's in iraq right now, with the national guard. it was the coolest thing, to see him smile and wave at all of us crowded around my little screen.

today i went to church and filled in with the handbells. they needed a person to play a part, and i just so happened to be there. my musical skills are coming in handy. we played jesu joy of man's desiring, one of my all-time favorites, and it was great being able to see everyone again. we left about 1:30 to pick up savannah and take her the rest of the way back to witt. and here i am. i unpacked and signed online, made sure i didn't have any homework, lol, and here i sit.

i've had a lot of time to think this past week. and it's done me no good. i still can't come to any conclusion, and it's so frustrating. like i said, sometimes i wish i just didn't have feelings at all and then i wouldn't be dealing with some of this stuff. my mind just never shuts up.

feelings and emotions are so freaking distracting. sometimes i wish i didn't have them at all.

i've been expecting you

it's been a few days since i posted, so i might as well give an update. i came home for spring break on saturday, thank GOD. i really needed to take a break. we took my friend savannah partway home, we met her parents at southpark mall. it worked out quite nicely, 'cause it was only about an extra half hour for us driving and it saved them three hours. i got home around 3:30 saturday, and just spent the rest of the afternoon unpacking, lazing around and watching harry potter. there was a marathon on this weekend, so we watched movies two, three and four. sunday, i got up early to go to church. it was really quite refreshing, actually... i hadn't been to church in quite a while, since i was home last for christmas break. everyone was really excited to see me, ask how school was, what i was doing, etc. etc. it was nice to be back in a place that was familiar, with people who knew me and who cared about me. i got asked no less than three times that day if i had a boyfriend yet... god people are impatient. so am i, for that matter, but that's a later rant. after church, we went out for brunch with some people... i am always the youngest by about forty years. i don't mind though, because unlike other people, these people don't think i'm a teenage hooligan and will actually have a civilized conversation with them. after brunch we went to see my grandmother. she is still doing cancer treatments. multiple myeloma... incurable, but treatable. i just hope it isn't genetic. she seems to be doing better, though, which is great. making some of her own meals and moving around the house more. things were kind of rough there for a while, it's an up and down kind of thing. i just hate to see a woman who was once so strong and active struggle to get out of her chair or stand up for a long time. it's very frustrating. she is dealing with depression also, which is hard to even imagine. i hope that she can continue to get her strength back, though... it's hard to think about her not being able to do things she once so enjoyed. after we saw my grandma for a bit, mom and i went out to the library to finish the FAFSA stuff. i added some things up, and with my renewable scholarships, i am actually not going to be as badly off next year as i thought i would. i'll be losing some money because some of the scholarships are non-renewable, but i had excess this year, so i think that will cover me. books are going to be a different story, though... hopefully i can find them for fairly cheap. i'm not sure how much my parents are going to be able to provide next year. but, that's next year, i shouldn't think about that now. brenda totally stalked me down at the library and we had a flying tackle pounce moment, with limbs flailing everywhere and a hug that lasted for about fifty hours. i still can't believe that she drove to the library just to see me... makes me feel oh so special!! :D when mom and i went home, harry potter was on yet again, this time goblet which she hadn't seen, so i lucked out to be able to watch it. i decided to get the books out again and start rereading them... i read the whole first one yesterday. and since we saw the movies, i skipped to number five, and i'm about halfway through that one now.

the one thing i hate about break is being home by myself. i mean, i'm not by myself because my parents are inevitably around... but i mean just me. no friends or anything. and then i get to thinking, and thinking, and thinking, which is never good. and recently i've been thinking, and feeling sorry for myself cause it's just me. i mean, i have friends and everything, and i wouldn't trade them for the world... but i can't help but shake the feeling that i won't find a person that i can really spend my time with on a level other than friends. this is why i hate spring, 'cause everyone is out, and they're all holding hands and laying in the grass and being all obnoxious and rubbing it in my face that i have no one. it's so frustrating i can't even stand it. i just want someone to be there for me, and tell me i look good, and they need me, and to hold my hand, and lay with me watching movies. i know that all sounds so cliche and sappy, and i really am not like that all the time... but still it would be nice. i feel that things are starting to get down to business. like i said, three different people asked me if i were dating anyone yet. such a rush. i hate it. every time i even start to let myself like someone, it either gets thrown back in my face or completely smashed. and i can't help it that i fall for a guy really easily... i don't think of myself as boy-crazy or a whore or anything like that. i would just really like to find someone to spend my time with. i don't want to push the issue, 'cause apparently whenever i do, they freak out and i am left feeling like an idiot. i don't know what to do. i can't stop thinking.

dang this is a long post.

"I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my Heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and I'm alright"
~So Much To Say; Dave Matthews Band

:(

damn my life. damn damn damn.

i shouldn't be feeling this way.

i think i just need a good cry and some ice cream. one of those days.

i'm trying here

why can't i?

WHY CAN'T I?!?!?

this is getting ridiculous. i can't focus on anything anymore. i'm so distracted. i honestly missed about ten minutes of my religion class because i was thinking about it. i go to bed, and i wake up, and i think about it. completely ridiculous.

i'm so frustrated. i don't even know what to do with myself.

loan me your brain

i don't know what to think anymore. i'm afraid i am in too deep, and if i stop now i'll fall apart. i know i was stupid, we all were kind of stupid. i don't even know how to explain things...i don't even know where to start. people warned me and warned me, and yet i still went through and i'm afraid i won't be able to turn back. i don't want to ruin things, but i need answers. i can't just be here while you figure things out, because i need to figure things out and those things involve you. i don't think i could handle it if you tossed me aside; i hope you aren't one of those people, but i still am worried. i don't want to push things. you told me flat out - but it's not drunken anymore and it's not just one time. i've given you myself, (that was something i needed to deal with), but i am not sure what you've given me. you're in a select group of people now, one of a few that i could count on one hand. somehow i regretted those occasions with those other people, and i don't regret these - yet. no one knows the full story, and i don't plan on telling them. but i am not sure i can deal with not knowing/questions for a lot longer. i am so scared that nothing will come of this and i'll have screwed myself up, royally. so please tell me. please tell me something. anything. i want things to be different than they were with the past. fuck. i'm sorry.


i know this is super emo. and i know it's super vague. but i somehow needed to get this out there. and i apologize for about the millionth time.


"Try not to talk when there's nothing to say
Kept bottled up, we get carried away
Then I fall, then I fall down
Then we fall down"
-Ridiculous, Bowling For Soup