I haven't posted in a while for a few reasons:
1) I am so freaking tired after coming home the last thing I want to do is labor over some writing
2) I haven't been able to put effectively into words how I've been feeling (aka a source of writer's block for the overwhelming majority of writers).
However, after crying in the car on the way home from Monday Margaritas with my boss and coworker,
1) I feel totally unprepared after college for 'the real world', or whatever this is
2) and that's mostly because I am not in a place where I can have philosophical conversations about my future
3) because I have no idea what the hell I'm going to be doing after June
4) because see number 1 above.
Am I going to go to grad school next year? Probably not. Why? Because 1) I haven't taken the GRE or written a personal statement or really have any sort of writing that is fit to share with admissions and 2) I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WOULD STUDY.
The unfortunate thing is that i feel like one of those jaded people... "college isn't all it's cracked up to be." And in some sense that's true. For the first time after coming to Witt four years ago I am no longer disillusioned by the idea of college in general and am able to see what little good it did me. Don't get me wrong, I am in a totally different place now. College definitely moved me from the k-12 conception of education. But insofar as college was supposed to prepare me for what comes next... nope. Maybe that's my misunderstanding. Maybe college should put me in the place where I am questioning everything I thought I stood for and everything I thought I knew.
Most of this stems from the fact that I am operating in a different fashion than most people. I'm not going to get a raise in this job, or promoted, or frankly any bonus of some sort. And I'll probably not get fired either, unless I do something really F*$&ed up (unlikely). So what is my motivation? In the school and even within this organization, the minimum is regarded as good. So why should I bust my ass every day when I get no more or no less than the other person who does so little? I am certainly not in this for the glory; anyone working in the schools or with poor kids is not in it for the glory. At the same time, I am so frustrated by people who get by with so little effort that it makes me feel as if I'm doing something wrong for busting my ass.
And I FREAKING MISS MY FAMILY.
#endofrant
#screweverything
Monday, November 05, 2012
Friday, August 03, 2012
today's motto: I'll get it later
I've been thinking about writing for a while but haven't done it for a few reasons. I'm still trying to get past the graduation hurdle. It's hard - harder than I thought, especially since I am living next door to campus. And now I'm living with three fellow graduates. Boys, too! We're all really good friends, and they used to live across the street from us so it's not a huge change. We were always at one another's houses anyway. Today I just finished moving into one of the two bedrooms and besides all my clothes everything is settled. It feels good.
So we're seven weeks into the Americorps VISTA adventure. It's been a wild ride already. Last week was the end of our five week summer camp, a beefed up version of the summer school program the school district offers. We had 99 kids register, and 85 or so of them showed up at least one day. That right there is a victory. I was in charge of the afternoon activities and the Friday field trips (except for the last one, thank god) and because of that I can add playdough maker, bubble master, and field trip extraordinaire to my list of marketable skills.
One of my good friends L. is the other VISTA volunteer, and we spend every day together. It's been a saving grace to have her as a friend and colleague. We are getting to the point now where one of us will say what the other is thinking. That happened three times today alone. We need some away time from each other! I really appreciate her smarts and wit. It's been a blast. Exhausting, yes, and frustrating at times. There are many moving parts often and with various people being in charge of smaller parts, sometimes balls get dropped and guess who picks them up. Sometimes I feel like I work so much harder than a lot of other people and that's something I need to work on, because I still have trouble convincing myself that it's okay to relax. Weekends are so weird because I have the subconscious urge to get off my ass and write a paper or do research or practice trumpet. But then I remind myself that it's okay to chill out for a while.
So two of my best friends are coming to visit me tomorrow! Kel and Steph and I have been friends since junior high. They're driving back from Florida and will make a stop in my lovely town before they make it home. I am so fricking excited to see them. It's been... months. Soon Steph is going to be moving to Florida and I am so grateful for the chance to see her one more time. The next time I'm going to be home it'll be for like 8 hours and then we're driving to Canada, so there's not a chance of seeing the crew then.
Hmm... I think it's time for a drinky drink. Rum rum here I come
So we're seven weeks into the Americorps VISTA adventure. It's been a wild ride already. Last week was the end of our five week summer camp, a beefed up version of the summer school program the school district offers. We had 99 kids register, and 85 or so of them showed up at least one day. That right there is a victory. I was in charge of the afternoon activities and the Friday field trips (except for the last one, thank god) and because of that I can add playdough maker, bubble master, and field trip extraordinaire to my list of marketable skills.
One of my good friends L. is the other VISTA volunteer, and we spend every day together. It's been a saving grace to have her as a friend and colleague. We are getting to the point now where one of us will say what the other is thinking. That happened three times today alone. We need some away time from each other! I really appreciate her smarts and wit. It's been a blast. Exhausting, yes, and frustrating at times. There are many moving parts often and with various people being in charge of smaller parts, sometimes balls get dropped and guess who picks them up. Sometimes I feel like I work so much harder than a lot of other people and that's something I need to work on, because I still have trouble convincing myself that it's okay to relax. Weekends are so weird because I have the subconscious urge to get off my ass and write a paper or do research or practice trumpet. But then I remind myself that it's okay to chill out for a while.
So two of my best friends are coming to visit me tomorrow! Kel and Steph and I have been friends since junior high. They're driving back from Florida and will make a stop in my lovely town before they make it home. I am so fricking excited to see them. It's been... months. Soon Steph is going to be moving to Florida and I am so grateful for the chance to see her one more time. The next time I'm going to be home it'll be for like 8 hours and then we're driving to Canada, so there's not a chance of seeing the crew then.
Hmm... I think it's time for a drinky drink. Rum rum here I come
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Honest with myself
One week ago I graduated from college.
It seems kind of hard to believe, actually. I don't feel any different. I don't look any different. I don't think any different.
Or maybe I do.
For the first time in my life, I no longer have school. It's over. Done. And, unless a miracle happens and I can afford grad school, that might not happen for a while either. While I am extremely grateful to have a job, I can't help but still feel scared.
I think the main reason I am scared is simply because school isn't there anymore. To put it bluntly (and I don't want to come off as an arrogant asshole) I'm good at school. I've always gotten good grades, I've always tried hard (except for chemistry, I gave up on that crap). Hell, I wrote a 20 page paper the night before and got a B+ on it. Not one of my shining moments, but I can come through in the clutch.
And now... I'm scared that I won't be as good at anything anymore. Yes, this is a little irrational. But a part of me can't help but feel that I'm not ready for 'the real world'. Part of me is worried that I'm going to do something stupid and screw up all the good things going here.
It seems kind of hard to believe, actually. I don't feel any different. I don't look any different. I don't think any different.
Or maybe I do.
For the first time in my life, I no longer have school. It's over. Done. And, unless a miracle happens and I can afford grad school, that might not happen for a while either. While I am extremely grateful to have a job, I can't help but still feel scared.
I think the main reason I am scared is simply because school isn't there anymore. To put it bluntly (and I don't want to come off as an arrogant asshole) I'm good at school. I've always gotten good grades, I've always tried hard (except for chemistry, I gave up on that crap). Hell, I wrote a 20 page paper the night before and got a B+ on it. Not one of my shining moments, but I can come through in the clutch.
And now... I'm scared that I won't be as good at anything anymore. Yes, this is a little irrational. But a part of me can't help but feel that I'm not ready for 'the real world'. Part of me is worried that I'm going to do something stupid and screw up all the good things going here.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Today a friend S. and I were on our way back from a professor's house where we had a nice dinner and company. I asked her what her plans were for the summer and next fall, because even though she'll be walking at commencement she has to stay an extra semester to finish her degree requirements. She said she is trying to find a job at home but it's difficult because she's overly qualified; after next fall semester is over she'll most likely be moving to new york state to find a teaching job in a high needs district as per her fellowship requirements. We got into a conversation about our futures and what our college as set us up for. I asked her if she regretted coming to this school and she said yes and no... the opportunities and departments weren't what she expected but there were other little things that made it somewhat worth it. I asked her then if she had the choice again would she come here or go to another school, and she said she wouldn't come here again. It was clear throughout this car ride home that she is pessimistic about the future and feels like our college hasn't done the best job in terms of career preparations or coursework. She is burnt out, jaded, and tired.
I'm happy I'm not like that.
This school has been a blessing for me in many ways. I often think about what it would have been like if I had accepted one of the other schools on their offers. Yes, the departments at other schools are much better than what is currently here. However, if I had not been here, I would not have gotten involved with the Promise Neighborhood. To be frank this project is a game-changer for me. It has changed my outlook on my career and the future and where I could find myself in the coming years. I think about all the things I have been lucky to be a part of because of the unique circumstances of event offerings, or conferences, or connections with courses. It is truly amazing. My friends here are going off to do great things all around the country - Yale, D.C., California, you name it.
But we all started here.
Some say college years are some of the best years of your life. While I beg to differ, I really can't say because I have no idea what's to come. Things are wide open and the possibilities are endless. Compared to some people (like my friend above) I'm not stuck yet.
I found out this past week that I was accepted to be one of the Americorps VISTA workers for the coming year with the Promise Neighborhood. Can I just say how exciting this is? Yes, I won't be teaching music per se. But I'll be working with a school, the school that I've devoted countless time, energy, and emotion to over the past two years. The stress of finding a job is suddenly absent. Finally, I have a chance to work for this project without also having to juggle school full-time. I have no idea what the next year might look like - hell, I don't even know when I'm going to start work (it's some time in June). But to have that first step on the road sorta figured out makes me eternally grateful. Because of that, I can wake up every day looking forward to the possibilities, not at the dead ends.
Another thing that made me think today happened at the dinner, before that car ride. There were some new friends around the table and so each of us talked a little about our involvement with Promise or at college. One thing that I noticed is that with the underclassmen, they all talked about the things they have personally done or contributed. Hmmm. The sad thing is I think that some of these people getting involved with the project are in it for their own personal gain. That is, they make sure to let everyone know the work that they themselves have put in.
Let me clue you in.
It's not about you.
It's about the kids. It's about making a difference in this community. It's about the belief that we have for each student at Lincoln that they will go to college and be able to escape some truly horrifying situations. It's about changing the culture of drugs and dropouts and convicts into a culture of learners who care, who contribute, who thrive rather than merely survive. Yeah, recognition every once in a while is nice - it's the fuel that keeps the light burning when the wick gets low. But this is not about one person's work. It's not even about OUR work. It's about the work of those students, that community. We are the wheels that help get the train rolling - we're not the engine. That's what I find so unique about our approach. Rather than someone coming in and saying "this is what you need to do and need to change," we help everyone figure out what assets we possess to make our own change. Otherwise it creates a cycle of dependency where nothing really changes. So rather than looking inward, maybe it's time to start looking outward.
I'm happy I'm not like that.
This school has been a blessing for me in many ways. I often think about what it would have been like if I had accepted one of the other schools on their offers. Yes, the departments at other schools are much better than what is currently here. However, if I had not been here, I would not have gotten involved with the Promise Neighborhood. To be frank this project is a game-changer for me. It has changed my outlook on my career and the future and where I could find myself in the coming years. I think about all the things I have been lucky to be a part of because of the unique circumstances of event offerings, or conferences, or connections with courses. It is truly amazing. My friends here are going off to do great things all around the country - Yale, D.C., California, you name it.
But we all started here.
Some say college years are some of the best years of your life. While I beg to differ, I really can't say because I have no idea what's to come. Things are wide open and the possibilities are endless. Compared to some people (like my friend above) I'm not stuck yet.
I found out this past week that I was accepted to be one of the Americorps VISTA workers for the coming year with the Promise Neighborhood. Can I just say how exciting this is? Yes, I won't be teaching music per se. But I'll be working with a school, the school that I've devoted countless time, energy, and emotion to over the past two years. The stress of finding a job is suddenly absent. Finally, I have a chance to work for this project without also having to juggle school full-time. I have no idea what the next year might look like - hell, I don't even know when I'm going to start work (it's some time in June). But to have that first step on the road sorta figured out makes me eternally grateful. Because of that, I can wake up every day looking forward to the possibilities, not at the dead ends.
Another thing that made me think today happened at the dinner, before that car ride. There were some new friends around the table and so each of us talked a little about our involvement with Promise or at college. One thing that I noticed is that with the underclassmen, they all talked about the things they have personally done or contributed. Hmmm. The sad thing is I think that some of these people getting involved with the project are in it for their own personal gain. That is, they make sure to let everyone know the work that they themselves have put in.
Let me clue you in.
It's not about you.
It's about the kids. It's about making a difference in this community. It's about the belief that we have for each student at Lincoln that they will go to college and be able to escape some truly horrifying situations. It's about changing the culture of drugs and dropouts and convicts into a culture of learners who care, who contribute, who thrive rather than merely survive. Yeah, recognition every once in a while is nice - it's the fuel that keeps the light burning when the wick gets low. But this is not about one person's work. It's not even about OUR work. It's about the work of those students, that community. We are the wheels that help get the train rolling - we're not the engine. That's what I find so unique about our approach. Rather than someone coming in and saying "this is what you need to do and need to change," we help everyone figure out what assets we possess to make our own change. Otherwise it creates a cycle of dependency where nothing really changes. So rather than looking inward, maybe it's time to start looking outward.
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