i've been expecting you

it's been a few days since i posted, so i might as well give an update. i came home for spring break on saturday, thank GOD. i really needed to take a break. we took my friend savannah partway home, we met her parents at southpark mall. it worked out quite nicely, 'cause it was only about an extra half hour for us driving and it saved them three hours. i got home around 3:30 saturday, and just spent the rest of the afternoon unpacking, lazing around and watching harry potter. there was a marathon on this weekend, so we watched movies two, three and four. sunday, i got up early to go to church. it was really quite refreshing, actually... i hadn't been to church in quite a while, since i was home last for christmas break. everyone was really excited to see me, ask how school was, what i was doing, etc. etc. it was nice to be back in a place that was familiar, with people who knew me and who cared about me. i got asked no less than three times that day if i had a boyfriend yet... god people are impatient. so am i, for that matter, but that's a later rant. after church, we went out for brunch with some people... i am always the youngest by about forty years. i don't mind though, because unlike other people, these people don't think i'm a teenage hooligan and will actually have a civilized conversation with them. after brunch we went to see my grandmother. she is still doing cancer treatments. multiple myeloma... incurable, but treatable. i just hope it isn't genetic. she seems to be doing better, though, which is great. making some of her own meals and moving around the house more. things were kind of rough there for a while, it's an up and down kind of thing. i just hate to see a woman who was once so strong and active struggle to get out of her chair or stand up for a long time. it's very frustrating. she is dealing with depression also, which is hard to even imagine. i hope that she can continue to get her strength back, though... it's hard to think about her not being able to do things she once so enjoyed. after we saw my grandma for a bit, mom and i went out to the library to finish the FAFSA stuff. i added some things up, and with my renewable scholarships, i am actually not going to be as badly off next year as i thought i would. i'll be losing some money because some of the scholarships are non-renewable, but i had excess this year, so i think that will cover me. books are going to be a different story, though... hopefully i can find them for fairly cheap. i'm not sure how much my parents are going to be able to provide next year. but, that's next year, i shouldn't think about that now. brenda totally stalked me down at the library and we had a flying tackle pounce moment, with limbs flailing everywhere and a hug that lasted for about fifty hours. i still can't believe that she drove to the library just to see me... makes me feel oh so special!! :D when mom and i went home, harry potter was on yet again, this time goblet which she hadn't seen, so i lucked out to be able to watch it. i decided to get the books out again and start rereading them... i read the whole first one yesterday. and since we saw the movies, i skipped to number five, and i'm about halfway through that one now.

the one thing i hate about break is being home by myself. i mean, i'm not by myself because my parents are inevitably around... but i mean just me. no friends or anything. and then i get to thinking, and thinking, and thinking, which is never good. and recently i've been thinking, and feeling sorry for myself cause it's just me. i mean, i have friends and everything, and i wouldn't trade them for the world... but i can't help but shake the feeling that i won't find a person that i can really spend my time with on a level other than friends. this is why i hate spring, 'cause everyone is out, and they're all holding hands and laying in the grass and being all obnoxious and rubbing it in my face that i have no one. it's so frustrating i can't even stand it. i just want someone to be there for me, and tell me i look good, and they need me, and to hold my hand, and lay with me watching movies. i know that all sounds so cliche and sappy, and i really am not like that all the time... but still it would be nice. i feel that things are starting to get down to business. like i said, three different people asked me if i were dating anyone yet. such a rush. i hate it. every time i even start to let myself like someone, it either gets thrown back in my face or completely smashed. and i can't help it that i fall for a guy really easily... i don't think of myself as boy-crazy or a whore or anything like that. i would just really like to find someone to spend my time with. i don't want to push the issue, 'cause apparently whenever i do, they freak out and i am left feeling like an idiot. i don't know what to do. i can't stop thinking.

dang this is a long post.

"I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my Heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and I'm alright"
~So Much To Say; Dave Matthews Band