stay cool, boy.

i think this may be my 100th blog post. whoopie.

things have been alright since i last blogged. the friday night that i posted my last entry was appreciation day for the high school marching band. it's really wierd to be on the other side of things now. and it just made me miss it even more. things were different than past years' events, and i really can't complain... it was just... depressing i guess.
that night i slept over at jessica's. we spent a lot of time talking about stuff. it was nice to actually catch up with her. we hung out with her mom some, which was cool. didn't get to sleep until like 2am, haha. let's just say i had some bizarre dreams that night. and i woke up at one point breathing in cat hair from the feline that was relaxing next to my face. how lovely.
saturday i went to the racetrack with my brother. it was awesome to be in the pits with his fiance's family, who races. i fell asleep at one point between rounds, though - bad idea. my right arm has a horrible farmers/golfers stripe. seeing as i am neither of those things, it looks ridiculous. thankfully now it's faded a bit, but this week was kind of embarassing.
sunday we got up to go to church. my second cousin's son was baptized in the service that day, and it was really great to see that side of the family. amanda, who shares my birthday, is going to be a SENIOR in high school next year. i can't even believe it. we went to their house after church for a little party, i guess, even though the kid slept most of the time and cried the rest of it. ah well.
monday i got to march in the memorial day parade with the alumni band. for whatever reason, the drums totally screwed up and probably made us look like fools. it was REALLY wierd to march in khakis, though. so used to marching down that street in 95% wool.
this week has been nothing fantastic. it rained for quite a few days, which was just gross, so i've been cooped up inside and it's driving me insane. thursday we had a fire at stephanie's house. Yes, we're the smart kids who try to have a fire after a thunderstorm. i had to keep throwing more newspaper on it to keep it going! brittany showed us an interesting trick - lighting hand sanitizer on fire. it burns the alcohol off and doesn't burn your hands. so then we put it on the sidewalk and had a fun time with that. eventually kelly came up with the idea to go to the lake - so five of us took a car ride out there. it was soooo creepy in the dark. we went to one of the docks, and all the boats were creaking and making all these wierd noises... i was getting chills the whole time. we walked out to the end of the pier thingy, and it was so impressive to just see black. pitch black. and you could tell where the cities were, because the sky was so much lighter. after a while we all hurried back to the car because it was so strange to be there in the dark by ourselves.
today mom and i went out shopping for yet more stuff for the bridal shower. i ended up getting new capri pant things, a bikini, and shoes. i needed shoes for the wedding anyway, and i had seen these really awesome hightops in the store, so i convinced my mom to go there. hopefully the shoes i found will work for the wedding. becca didn't really have any specifics, and i didn't particularly want to buy heels that i might wear three times in my life, so i found some dressy sandal flipflop things. i came home then went over to the field to play softball with brenda for a bit. it was a bit squishy because of all the rain we had, but i hit some really nice line drives and it felt so good. i'm so happy i finally have a glove i can catch with.

anyway... that's my week. i bet you were oh so fascinated with it. yeah right. I'M not even interested, haha.

more ridiculousness.

i'm in a bad mood until further notice.

i think the thing that hurts the most is that there wasn't any honesty. if they had just talked to me about the real issues at hand, i would have accepted it and moved on. instead they took advantage of the fact that i have a hard time controlling my emotions/feelings, and now look where i'm at - back to that place where i can't trust anyone, back to doubting myself and hating everything.

i thought we were over this. apparently not.

what i really need is for someone to prove to me that not everyone is an asshole who is in it for their own personal gratification.

i know i made bad decisions. but i thought people were smart enough to see it coming from a distance and actually be up-front to me about things. honesty is all i really want. i know i was stupid. but if they had just said that things were changing and the past was still lingering, i might have been able to avoid some of this stuff i have to deal with now.

thanks for sticking to those stereotypes. it's getting harder and harder for me to trust anyone. and i know for sure that i'm going to have a hard time looking them in the eye.

GREAT.

life is awesome. so great. REALLY.
[sarcasm.]

how come, when everything is going soooo well, when i finally feel as if i've got myself under control, when things are finally rolling my way, something comes along and decapitates me? just rips my freaking head off. thanks, life. thanks so much. i really appreciate all the breaks you've thrown my way, all the wonderful things you've done for me.

oh, and thanks also to those of you who do the same things for me that life does. thanks for throwing those wicked curveballs my way and see me fumble around, cause we all know i'm oh-so-graceful. thanks for making me question everything. and thanks for making me question myself. i bet you're dancing around in your fabulous little life right now, enjoying all those things you've deprived me of. great. go ahead, celebrate. hooray for frivolity. i wish you'd see the pain you've caused (even though most of it i brought on myself in the first place, stupid me). way to go. but the least you could've done is let me get back up again before throwing me under the bus. AGAIN.

i wonder if you know who you are?


this morning was fantastic! i woke up thinking that it was going to be a wonderful day! and now? i'm going to bed, resisting the urge to break small fragile objects within arm's reach.

YAY FOR LIFE!!!! LET'S TOAST TO ITS MARVELOUSNESS!!

i'm really not trying to be a pathetic attention-getter. i promise. since i can't pick up the phone right now and call the people i need to talk to the most, i resort to posting angry facebook notes and blog entries.

i had such dreams. such plans. such hope. such excitement!
annnnnnnnnnnnnd... no. not anymore.

stabby rip stab stab.

i hate to think that i'm starting to become a pessimist.




i need ice cream.

come sail away with me

well today was a blast. i was woken up to a text message from brien, which was a shocker, and i guess that just set the tone for a good day. spent most of the afternoon unpacking more college stuff. i set up my cubes and made a bookshelf, so now i've got a place to put my books and things are a little bit more organized. at least everything isn't all over the floor, lol. stephanie picked me up before 6:30 because we had an alumni band practice. i was a little nervous about marching with my good trumpet, but it felt SOOOOO good to fall into step with the drums. i was one of two trumpets playing the fight song, so i totally blasted it out hahahah. i finally got to see Benford - he seems to be doing well, and is wrapping his first year up as an elementary music teacher. i asked if i could see him some time soon, and he invited me to come into one of his classes at my old elementary school. he said, "come, and we'll get some work done." i'm not really sure what that means... and he asked me to bring my trumpet... it shall be interesting, haha. i haven't really talked to him much since about spring break. and we're going to lunch afterwards, which will also be very cool. after band practice, brenda, stephanie and i went to twist and shake for ice cream. we invited mr. kostalnik along too, and omg he actually followed us and came!! it was slightly awkward but very fun, because he's not that far out of college and he's closer in age to us than any other teachers. we talked about lots of stuff - AND - he said that Journey Around Music might be looking for a part-time worker for the summer!!! AHHH!! that would be soooo cool, the music major working in the music store... schaweet!! i am going to go this week to check it out, and at least talk to the guy. yeah, guys. what an awesome life i have. i wish there were some sort of promise somewhere. i hate sounding like a pathetic little creature... but i just want someone else. i yearn to share my life with someone other than just my friends. whatever. i guess i'll keep dreaming and hoping and feeling sorry for myself blah blah blah. sorry to sound so freaking pitiful. i promise i'm not really like this all the time... it's just the blog brings out those things that bother me or get me excited all the time. i believe my mom is on her way home from mcdonald's with fries for me... til next type...

on a rock, by the river

well things have already been busy since i've been home.

thursday night, stephanie, kelly and i went to see the midnight premiere of Angels and Demons.



I've read all the books and am a self-professed fan/obsessor, and i have to say that A&D was soooooo much better than Da Vinci Code. Much faster paced and my jaw dropped at least half a dozen times. i might go back to see it in theaters again, and i am defnitely buying it. oooh, it might be out on dvd by the time my birthday rolls around. b-day gifts, anyone?? ;)

friday sucked. i woke up with a headache. tried to shrug it off, but it didn't work and i just felt worse. one of those that makes you sick to your stomach, it's so bad? yeahhh. so i fell asleep on the living room floor for about two hours, and then went back to bed until about 5:30. thankfully the second time i woke up it had gone away. watched caddyshack and groundhog day that evening... not too eventful.

saturday, i FINALLY got my hair cut. finally. mom and i ran some errands, cause we have to get invitations out for my brother's fiancee's bridal shower. got groceries, and just happened to stop into Dick's because my mom wanted a Cav's shirt. i decided to get a new baseball glove, because my old one is teeny, like a youth glove, and the leather is cracked, and there's zero padding left, so whenever i catch a ball it smacks in there and hurts. jessica called and asked if i wanted to do dinner, because she was on her own, so we went to the library, picked up kelly and then went to subway. yum. then we decided to go to the park because we wanted to swing. me, being the smartass, decided to try to take a picture with the timer of all of us on the swings... i had only ten seconds to get back on my swing after setting the camera up on the playground... and smartie me is oh so graceful and completely biffs it into the ground. we got it on camera.



at least i can provide some entertainment. the picture cracks me up every time i see it. sliced my finger pretty well on the chain of the swing, though, i can't bend it very well right now. hurts like a bitch. the day turned into a full-fledged rendezvous/adventure/hike down to the river and waterfall. i'm really happy somebody repainted the pink floyd rock, even though you can't see it very well from the picture.



and of course the waterfalls always provide entertainment. i prefer the west falls to the east falls, actually, because i like the path it takes to get there and i like the bridge. even though the east falls are a lot bigger, i dunno, i just like the others better.



today was church of course... i got asked to fill in to play handbells again, not that i mind. i won't be able to make it to practice on tuesday though because alumni band is having a practice to march in the memorial day parade. after church, my brother and i went out to the racetrack because they were having a points race and he got free tickets. took our uncle and cousin along. it was quite enjoyable. i missed the roaring of nitro and burning rubber. i felt kind of wierd though because i was the only girl in all these guys. talk about awkward.

the high school prom was this weekend... i can't believe it's been a year. it feels like we just did prom!! and appreciation day is this weekend. i still have reservations about going to it, but i guess i'll have to get over myself because i think there are a few people who would kill me if i didn't show up.

i have a few things planned for this week, but nothing major. i really need to clean more of my room. i donated three huge bags of clothes to the salvation army yesterday, cause i cleaned out my closet. needed a place for all those clothes i took to college! i'm thinking of buying some bookcases or setting up my cubes, because i need someplace to put the books that i'm amassing from school.

speaking of school! i just checked my grades again and i am SO pumped!! i got A's in everything except theory (B+) and religion (B)!!!! my gpa is up to 3.64. i'd say that's pretty damn good for my first year of college, eh? kind of just reaffirms that i'm making the right choice and following the right path. though there are still some things i struggle with... i feel for the overwhelming majority of my life things might work out okay.

those three words

it's been a long time since i posted, and with good reason. as of right now, i am a sophomore in college. who would have believed it?!? i sure can't. i'm so sentimental right now because i hate saying goodbye. i made so many great friends this year, how am i going to survive a summer without them?

i did my trumpet jury today. came in early once with the accompaniment, poo, but luckily diane is great and we got back on track. i screwed up a few times, and royally at the end, but i kept going and recovered to finish on a high note. and i turned in my final paper to welker. i swear the gods didn't want me to turn that paper in because it took about three years for the computer in the lounge to start up (i can't print from my laptop because i'm using wireless), and then it started thundering and lightning when savannah and i went over to drop it off at his office. BUUUUUUUT i got it done, i am now considered a college sophomore i guess. all i have to do is pack up my shit. gonna take forever lol. the feeling of having nothing to do school-wise is sooooooo amazing. i can't wait to get back to elyria.

savannah and i just ordered two large pizzas. we're going to be pigs and have a movie night tonight, cause it's just me and her on the floor now.

what will this summer bring? what shenanigans am i going to get into? what if it was everything i wanted it to be?

i'm excited.