I haven't posted in a while for a few reasons:
1) I am so freaking tired after coming home the last thing I want to do is labor over some writing
2) I haven't been able to put effectively into words how I've been feeling (aka a source of writer's block for the overwhelming majority of writers).
However, after crying in the car on the way home from Monday Margaritas with my boss and coworker,
1) I feel totally unprepared after college for 'the real world', or whatever this is
2) and that's mostly because I am not in a place where I can have philosophical conversations about my future
3) because I have no idea what the hell I'm going to be doing after June
4) because see number 1 above.
Am I going to go to grad school next year? Probably not. Why? Because 1) I haven't taken the GRE or written a personal statement or really have any sort of writing that is fit to share with admissions and 2) I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WOULD STUDY.
The unfortunate thing is that i feel like one of those jaded people... "college isn't all it's cracked up to be." And in some sense that's true. For the first time after coming to Witt four years ago I am no longer disillusioned by the idea of college in general and am able to see what little good it did me. Don't get me wrong, I am in a totally different place now. College definitely moved me from the k-12 conception of education. But insofar as college was supposed to prepare me for what comes next... nope. Maybe that's my misunderstanding. Maybe college should put me in the place where I am questioning everything I thought I stood for and everything I thought I knew.
Most of this stems from the fact that I am operating in a different fashion than most people. I'm not going to get a raise in this job, or promoted, or frankly any bonus of some sort. And I'll probably not get fired either, unless I do something really F*$&ed up (unlikely). So what is my motivation? In the school and even within this organization, the minimum is regarded as good. So why should I bust my ass every day when I get no more or no less than the other person who does so little? I am certainly not in this for the glory; anyone working in the schools or with poor kids is not in it for the glory. At the same time, I am so frustrated by people who get by with so little effort that it makes me feel as if I'm doing something wrong for busting my ass.
And I FREAKING MISS MY FAMILY.
#endofrant
#screweverything
2 comments:
Oh, dearest. Did you never hear me talk about Public Education? And the sort that you are in...well...I won't get into that program here.
Email me if you want my # for a real chat. I'm sorry.
But you know I think you're wonderful.
Oh Nance... your comment was just what I needed.
Last week was a struggle. But Wednesday I had a conversation with my boss about the future and I do feel better about things. I'm 90% sure I'll stay here for another year and use it in part to prepare for grad school.
The bureaucracy sometimes is overwhelming. And the mediocrity. But I am finally getting to a place where I am comfortable with being a leader and doing what this kind of work requires - because let's face it, not very many people (read, no one) operates the way we do - a nonprofit-ish organization that is tied to the public schools but trying to do some really radical things within our limits. And I hate to say it but I am becoming more and more like my boss, a crazy CRAZY person who won't take no for an answer.
But I can't not fight. The fact that you talk about public ed. and how poor it is makes me get up in the morning. If'n you like, I'd love to talk about it... I'm always curious to hear how people who have/had stake in the matter view it. Any maybe you can give me some clues to the grad school puzzle!!
Hey, I think YOU'RE wonderful. I can't say that enough! To have someone like you in my life... whew. So grateful.
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