No excuses.

Honestly I've been embarrassed about the state of my blog and so haven't posted since march. I've had this blog since 2007.
I was 17.
You think I was talking about anything that meant something?

So I cleaned a few things up and only deleted two posts. All the rest of it is there in case you want to read about my ordinary life. I wouldn't advise it though - it's not pretty. Mostly anxious and angsty posts.

One thing that is apparent though is how much I've changed. I started this blog when I was a junior in high school. Now I'm through college and gainfully employed (sorta). Maybe change isn't the right word. Revealed, perhaps? How could I have possibly known that I'd be who I am today?

This evening we had an event at the school where I sorta work. (It's much more complicated than that but I don't feel like getting into it.) I accidentally let a closet door close while we were setting up chairs. So I ran to ask the principal for his keys. Now, this is a guy you don't exactly want to bother, especially when you've screwed up. He rebuked me, and I agreed with him that it was a stupid mistake - my mistake. For a short second I got the about-to-cry feeling. He stopped me and said that next year we should do professional development on this day (the day of the school's halloween parties) and avoid everything because it's so crazy. I definitely agreed with that one. As I walked out of the office, he said I will make a heck of a principal.

I've been thinking a lot about leadership. And living it, really. Since the summer when I was helping lead a summer staff of 6 and an additional new 3 full timers, I've noticed things changing in my head, in my actions, and in the reactions of others. Is principalship the way to go? Who knows. More than a few people have asked me about that particular career path. It's not something I'm especially enthused about right now - poverty alleviation and strategic planning is, though.

Also, this is maybe a little ironic. Or maybe not. The same principal above calls me "Sarge", the lovely and endearing nickname bestowed upon me by this summer's staff. Last week a guy whose name I didn't even know called me that. More on this later.

When Two Sing

Last night I briefly chatted on facebook with one of my best and oldest friends (that I still consider a "best" friend). She's student teaching right now and is going through many of the same doubts that I did last year. She's having that "oh god is this really what I want to do with the rest of my life" challenge. Boy, can I relate. I got a degree in a dying (or severely depleted) career path, especially within public schools. Doesn't help that I have a passion for inner-city/impoverished schools where music education is even more lacking. Since graduation I had thought that my degree was pretty much useless to me in this current venture (nonprofit work in community development and transformational schools in poor neighborhoods). Recently, though, my perceptions towards the degree and the b.s. I had to go through to get it have changed.
In fact, I'm grateful I got a degree in music education. Granted I'm not specifically using the music skills (that's not entirely true... it helps to have a few songs in your back pocket to teach when you've got thirty kindergartners ready to go home but the bus won't be there for another half hour). But in terms of some wider understandings it was beneficial. I have a better perspective on funding in school systems and districts. I have a better understanding of assessment and accountability procedures in schools. I have skills and am working on skills in advocacy, practiced for a few years now as countless people have asked me, in response to my questionable career path, whether I want to be struggling to look for a job my entire life. I'm sorry, but that's not the point here. The point is that I got a degree in something I was passionate about at the time and it exposed me to a multitude of other options that include much of what I like most about music education: creating and working through beauty in multiple forms, exploring self-expression with students, advocating for the intangible benefits an enriched education can provide...I could go on. I wrote my thesis about this, for pete's sake.
In talking to Kel I was reminded that I don't have it all figured out either. The perfectionist planner inside me says 'holy crap this is a problem'. But really... it's not. Let me repeat: it's okay to not have everything figured out. Dear self, read this when you're stressed and wheezing about grad school and paying rent and all that other crap.

You need the world and the world needs you.

Rabbi Pinhas said: "When a man is singing and cannot lift his voice, and another comes and sings with him, another who can lift his voice, then the first will be able to lift his voice too. That is the secret of the bond between spirit and spirit."

Phone call to Mom

Things have been kind of crazy recently. I just got off the phone with my mom and just like moms tend to do all the stress and anxiety hit me when I talked it all out with her.

First and foremost she called to tell me my grandmother is in the hospital again. She's had a bad cough for close to a month and recently has been eating less and drinking less, struggling more and more to do basic things and finally mom and my uncle decided to call an ambulance so she could get care. She has bone cancer and for a while was in remission but recently found more of it on her lower spine and hips. She has been taking chemo in pill form (weird to think about) and that somewhat contributed to how she's feeling. She also has pretty bad arthritis and has been complaining of pain in her legs/knees in addition to the cancer. So basically mom called and told me that we're going to go through the same ordeal we did a few years ago where she'll spend time in the hospital and then go to Lifecare, a rehabilitation place. While we were talking my uncle called with more information - she has a blood clot and a uti - the two things that put her in the hospital twice before. Mom says that because of the arthritis and the weakness that comes from fighting cancer that she'll probably not walk again. So now the next decision is what to do - assisted living or a live-in nurse kind of thing. Basically I'm scared and sad and missing her and my family.

Second, I told her some of the things that have been going on in my job. Things at the school have been tough recently because of this improvement process we have to go through. The undertone is that the school is failing, the teachers are failing, and outside people have to swoop in and prescribe an already-set plan of action that will fix everything. It feels degrading, impersonal, and factory-line-esque. Needless to say, this doesn't make for the best work atmosphere and no wonder some teachers are feeling it. It is maddening and sickening and frustrating to no end the complete helplessness I feel. In addition to all of this, a guy who has been in and out of prison for violence made threats last week against a teacher, and so they had to go through security policies and lock-down drills and it is so fucking scary to think about all that.

On a brighter note I went to church this morning for the first time in a long time. I attend church every time I'm home because (see last post) it's where I grew up. But there's a neighborhood UCC church not far from my apartment so I just sucked it up this morning and went, even though I'm still trying to work through a lot of my beliefs and understandings of faith. The pastor knows my boss and has heard of our organization, so that was a natural opening for conversation which was way better than the small talk I hate. Practically everyone (there were only about 30 people in church) came up and introduced themselves and said that they were happy I was there. The service itself was familiar to me in mechanics, which overall was just comforting. I personally am a fan of a more formal service because I like how everything is done for a reason, there's a purpose behind it. I also really like that the congregation just voted to become an Open and affirming church. They are the 1,076th church to openly declare that they do not discriminate against race, gender, sexual orientation preference, or expression. This is something I care about personally and think it's really cool for this church to go through the process.

So anyway. Tomorrow is Monday. New starts.

Ashes to Ashes

For some time I have been wrestling with the idea of religion and spirituality. I do not think these things are the same thing or mutually exclusive, but dependent (at the very least linked) and complimentary.

I consider myself lucky in the religion sense. I have attended the same church since toddlerhood: was baptized there, confirmed there, and perhaps someday married there. That church is an extended family to me and provides comfort and support. The church I attend is part of the United Church of Christ denomination (UCC) and you can read more about our values here. One of the reasons I still say I am part of the UCC is because of their "liberal" ideals: We are open to any gender, race, orientation, or background and do not discriminate upon any of those personal identifiers. Reflecting now, my involvement in this faith community has directly contributed to my personal values - social justice, equality, peace, and more broadly loving and caring for everyone.
But in college I rarely attended church or frankly anything religious. I went to the campus contemporary worship service a few times (probably like half a dozen) and it was always okay, but not quite fulfilling. I attended various worship services in the city when I was part of the women's choir, but that's it.
The main reason I haven't attended church is because I am struggling internally with some of the traditional churchy values. In some way, I don't quite believe it. Jesus Christ as my savior, my personal relationship with God, repenting for my sins, etc. It is hard for me to believe in God because I am a realist. Also, the whole 'warriors for Christ' thing really turns me off.
Case in point. I attended an Ash Wednesday service tonight with some friends and we sang a song in the middle of the service. Parts of it referenced taking up our swords and fighting the fight for the Kingdom of God. I just really dislike the undertones of violence. I understand evangelism and what point they're trying to make here, but that language really doesn't sit well with me. Speaking of language - why, whyyyyyyy is God ALWAYS a guy?? As soon as somebody says "He" (yes, with a capital H) my stomach actually kind of lurches. Now I know there are many churches trying to erase this antiquated terminology (my home church included!) but unfortunately hearing that just makes me shut down.
The sermon tonight (that's what I'm going to call it because that's what I'm used to calling it) discussed what the time of Lent is for. Ash Wednesday kicks off the 40 days of Lent by reminding everyone to get their heads out of their asses, stop being a hypocrite and that we are all but tiny blips on the universal radar. The guy who talked encouraged us to shine the proverbial flashlight around inside ourselves and wrestle with our shortcomings. Now this I can get into. it's okay to fall short. However, rather than just acknowledge that we have vices and jealousies and struggles - it's important to also note where those things come from. Were they left over from a less-than-ideal childhood? Are they fueled by unhealthy relationships? Are they a product of not following your true passions? Too often I think people justify bad habits (very broad term there, habit) and sometimes don't even think twice about them. But to me, Lent is about taking pause. Stopping and almost taking a snapshot: is this really who you want to be? Is this where you want to be? Is this how you want people to regard you? Now that toes a thin line because I for one know I get too wrapped up in what people think about me. But after looking at that snapshot, what happens? In the words of my favorite songwriter, we gotta do much more than believe if we want to change things.
So here's what I've decided. Rather than get jealous because I wasn't asked to help with a project, I'm going to work harder on the stuff I do have to do and produce the best work I can. Rather than get annoyed with someone because they're not following through, I'm going to hold them up and acknowledge that people have lots of things going on in their lives that we may not be aware of. Rather than comparing myself to others and perpetually think I'm really sucking, I'm going to redirect and tell myself that I am good enough, I am not perfect, I am not always going to be on, and that's okay. Rather than isolate myself because I am scared or worried, I am going to suck it up and step out of that comfort zone and get the thing done - because here's the thing. It's not about me.
It's about us.

I am a lifeboat.

Wise words from a colleague:

"You are a lifeboat to children that are drowning in a world of violence, poverty, and chaos. You have the rope to throw and pull them in. You literally might be the only ray of hope in their otherwise gray world. Without you, some of them wouldn't have a chance of surviving. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is exhausting. Yes, it is unfair that you have to work harder and longer than many people in the same exact profession. But what an honor it is to know that YOU are their lifeboat. It is a privilege reserved for a select few because others would cave under the pressure. Consider yourself richly blessed.
You are a lifeboat."


Sometimes things are very frustrating and slow-moving, especially when dealing with schools/school districts. And often people end up not following through because there are so many demands on our time - I get it. On the other hand, however, there ARE people who support and uplift with the reminder that what we're doing is bold and hopeful. The key is to lean on them and not sink underwater, because YOU are to be relied upon.

Waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Hey heyeyeyeyey
Hey yeeeeeee
Hey heyeyeyeyey
Eeh eeh eeh eeh eh x5

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

Bone Burying

By Andrea Gibson

"My dog Squash has recently discovered the art of bone burying. Whenever I give her a bone she will spend a good hour or so looking for the perfect burying place. The order typically goes something like this: under the couch cushion, under the couch, under the kitchen broom, under the bedroom curtain, under the living room plant, behind the guitar, behind the suitcase, under the chair pillow, and then finally-always-she eventually decides to bury the bone under ME. Wherever I am sitting in the house, she will find me, jump up in the chair with me, and start burying the bone under one of my thighs. After that, every time, she jumps down, gives me a satisfied look, then falls asleep on the floor.

Lately I’ve been spending a good part of nearly every day thinking about love. Romantic love. The kind of love that involves french kissing and mix tapes and spooning in New York City in the summer when it’s by most people’s standards too disgustingly humid to spoon. The kind of love you wanna bring home to your grandma and say, “Grandma, look at this love! Just look at this LOVE!” Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be…….and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe."

Is there a way to fall out of love,

I wonder.
If we had the power to throw that switch
would you?
Maybe you could do it for me
so instead of hating myself
I can hate something tangible,
like the light switch.

In the dark
my blemishes
are most apparent.

Late night or early morning
it doesn't matter
I am awake regardless.
Sirens ring out across the city;
I cannot tell if they are coming from the southwest or east.
Then I realize
it doesn't matter where they are coming from -
only who they are heading towards.

When you love someone but it goes to waste

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Over beers and later at the Gym

The world does not want me to blog tonight. More specifically, the frat house across the street whose internet we are stealing does not want me to blog tonight.

On Monday a good friend was in town before she starts her spring semester at Yale. (Yes, that’s right, I said YALE. I’m not one for status symbols, but whoa.) We went to dinner and talked for about two hours nonstop. She shared with me a lot about her current fears and anxieties, and get this: they were a lot like mine. We started talking about her struggles with her roommate, which I can definitely relate to. In the spring semester of my senior year of college my roommate and I barely looked at each other, let alone hang out or anything friendly like that. It was a really awful time, tiptoeing around the apartment for fear of doing something that would piss her off. So K. and I talked about what it’s like to live with someone who’s totally inflexible and incapable of discussion. With her situation, it’s more about religion and politics. This is something I’ve seen more and more of recently. I am from a pretty open-minded background. At the same time, I’d like to be able to talk about some of the issues I’m still working through as a recent adult. But it feels like there are many people who simply cannot talk about it or have something resembling a conversation with differing points of view. They are so rigid in their views or political leanings that they cannot even begin to see things from another perspective. I simply do not understand how this could be. The lack of empathy literally shocks me in some people. I’ve made the beginnings of an entire career path on feeling for other people; granted, this is social change and not social service, but the heart of the matter is helping make this world a better place. How can someone either be so ignorant (or choosing to be) that this gets in the way of caring about someone else? It worries me.
We also talked about life after graduation, naturally. It has been six months since we left college and I daresay we both have changed a huge amount in that time. I am working full time and she is attending divinity school... busy, but not as busy as college. But we both realized, well, we don’t have many friends. We agreed that trying to make new friends now is really exhausting and often not worth the effort. (This makes us sound like pessimists, which is not true.) At the beginning of college we had to go through all the ‘new student days’ bullshit with meeting in small groups and having forced conversations about How To Be A Good College Student. (I remember talking about drinking in this particular circle-share. What foreshadowing.) And Playfair – oh god, Playfair. I hated every second of the White Middle Class Team Building Games. It’s so fun! An experience you’ll never forget! I remember trying to find two other people with August birthdays; being told to yell at a complete stranger (not in a hateful way, but like my name or something); and being the captain of that game where you sit on each other’s knees and it makes a circle and everyone’s sitting grinning at each other proud of this pointless circle they just made with their bodies. Everyone needed to thrust themselves out there like freaking peacocks and those that didn’t lost the game. “A nightmare for introverts,” K. said. So really, who would want to go through that awful experience again four short years later? Instead we spend more time by ourselves or with a maximum of four other people. Is this healthy? Probably not. But I have in the back of my head that I most likely will not be spending my life in The Field. In other words, once I really get settled then I might have the energy to make friends.

Speaking of energy, I was talking to a friend recently about this very blog, and that got me zealous to clean things up around here. My goodness, I was really into boys. Pretty much all of my early posts were about my high-school boyfriend. Pathetic, really. I was so concerned about his well-being and others’ perceptions of us and my own insecurities that what could have turned into a meaningful relationship did not. I’ve kept a few posts for posterity, but you can definitely watch the increase in maturity since starting this in 2007 (I was 17). But where did that come from? It obviously wasn’t something conscious my parents did or said. Now that I’m working with a school and little people everything goes through my teacher-lens. And frankly I am frightened by the messages they are getting.

Case in point. Today at the gym one of the tvs was turned to TLC. I had to work off those liquid calories consumed in the paragraphs above. Anyway, if you’re not familiar with TLC, it used to be more of a crafty-craft channel but that has dissolved into the meaningless drivel of 18 and Counting, Kate Plus 8... and most notably, Toddlers In Tiaras. This is a show where parents, real live human beings with brains in their heads, enter their children (read: girls) into beauty pageants. Sometimes before they can even speak. I’m sure the creators of these shows are nice enough people and please pardon me if I offend you, but What. The. FRICK. Pretty much everything that I dislike about our current society is wrapped up in that show. Gender stereotyping, objectification of women (GIRLS!!), the shallow ground of perceived “sexiness” where too many women place their self-worth (aka spray tans and copious amounts of makeup and skeevy clothing), being judged numerically on your looks, and maybe most infuriating of all: parents who force their children to be subjected to something like this. I wanted to puke right there in the gym. (It could have been the 8 minute mile I’d ran, but we’ll never know now will we?) I realize that there was a big brouhaha about this a while ago, and I’m behind the debate. But actually, there’s not much to debate. What I’m more pissed about is why it’s still being shown on TV. Didn’t we talk about how horrible it was? Didn’t we get upset about the feminist issues this show raises?? Didn’t we boycott TLC??? GTFO, TIARAS AND TLC.
Did I go up and turn off the TV? I’m sorry to say I didn’t – I’m not quite there in my zealousness (didn’t I use this word earlier?) Maybe one day I will be able to do something so bold. I’m working on it.

Promises

I just read the last post here from the beginning of November. Crimeny, so much has happened since then. I was struggling with my future and frankly a lot of things out of my control. While I doubt that concern will ever change or cease, the past two months I have truly been trying not to let those things bother me, because 90% of the time I don't have any control over them anyway.

Naturally around the holidays people reflect on their year and make resolutions. I am a weak person and so fall into that trap. Partially, it's because so much happens on a day-to-day basis that sometimes it's a wonder I remember the way driving home, and I need to remember this moment - right here, sitting in a coffee shop on a Tuesday afternoon before I go to a meeting.

In 2012...
- I student taught in a 7-12 band situation in a county school, and a k-6 situation in an urban/inner city school. It was an amazing experience... exhausting, of course, but I am happy I enjoyed it so much because what a tragedy it would be to get that far and realize that it's awful. I will tell you from experience though, teaching fifth grade brass and percussion players at 7:22 in the morning is a stretch.
- I wrote an honor's thesis. Boy this was an awful experience. The actual writing was fine, but I had a particularly diva-ish professor that basically put up roadblocks to stop me. And he told me I couldn't do it. Bad decision, mister. In spite of him I wrote a bomb-ass thesis comparing skills of resiliency to skills of music education, that basically made the case for keeping music in schools and transforming its role in the education of children. Bam.
- I graduated from Witt with departmental and university honors. Not that it really means anything.
- I saw my favorite band live, right before they released their new album!
- I started a full time job right after graduation that challenges and frustrates and excites me every day.
- I saw the President in person on his campaign tour.
- I went to the Annie Leibovitz exhibit in Columbus, a remarkable display of some culturally significant portraits. (President and Michelle Obama were displayed next to each other; GW Bush and his cabinet were next to a photo of...R2D2.)
- I decided that I'm not going to grad school next year. Instead, there is a 97% chance that I will be able to stay with this organization and move into an administrative role. This will be looking more at goal formation, data analysis and assessment practices (if we're actually reaching those goals), and communication (how we talk about our work).

In addition, I've been thinking a lot about changes and renewed promises this year.
I like "promises" better than "resolutions" because we're trying to be better people here, not legislation.

I Promise...
- To quit smoking
- To lose weight
- To spend more time with my children

Just kidding. While I may need to do a little more exercise, I don't smoke and definitely don't have any children.


I Promise...
- To eliminate (or at least significantly reduce) mediocrity in my life. I am sick and tired of not doing the best I can do. While I struggle with this in other people, I can start with myself.
- To write more. This includes both blog posts (which nobody really reads anyway) and letters. Who writes letters anymore? Well I do. And I want to. Hell, I still keep an old-fashioned journal that actually employs pen and paper.

Change is difficult. I am working with an organization that is trying to change lives and communities - a hefty lift. But I can always start somewhere.