this is my fate

break is almost over.
so bittersweet.
i want to go back, but at the same time i am just starting to get comfortable here again. and now i have to say goodbye to all my friends again, and family, and church. and now its not like it was at thanksgiving, where we got a break just a few weeks later. looks like i won't be able to come home until march. which realllllly sucks.
sometimes i really dislike it - i kind of don't feel as if this is my home anymore. there are things that have changed, new things, good things, bad things, that have happened and i know nothing of it. but at the same time, i don't feel as if i can call wittenberg my home yet, either. cause its still new and kind of, well, not really uncomfortable, but i can't come up with a better term. my bed is wierd, my room is wierd.

so i finally came to the realization that i am really lucky to be a part of my church. being back to it after being away was really fantastic. all the people there really care about me and take interest in me, which is nice, instead of being passed off as an apathetic teenager. so i thanked my mom for getting me into it when i was little. i have met some really exquisite people there. its always one thing i really look forward to when i come home.
on the other side of the coin, i have been having some doubts. i am learning more and more about the past, when i was too young and oblivious to it. and it kills me, it really does. i can't believe that guy. what could possess someone to do that? it was really unfair of him to do so, because he tore apart many many people, and we lost good members because of it. i am trying to kind of be not vague, but i don't want to say too much for fear of who could read what. but anyway, this has really made me reconsider things. it was all started with another conflict that i am aware of, and wishing i weren't aware of, but it's still there. these things combined with new things from the past are making me lose hope. i am doubting. i am questioning. although i suppose that is probably a good thing, because then can i get to a new plateau/awakening/epiphany/realization. and i also realize that this is going to make no sense whatsoever. i just needed to get it out. i almost wrote some of it down in my paper journal, but i hate seeing the cold ink on those papers, because that makes it all the more real. and i dont want it to be real. i am frankly disgusted. though i know we're all humans, and we have human impulses, and all that. i guess i just held him to a higher standard. maybe because i kind of grew up with him. and i thought he could do no wrong. alas. everyone makes mistakes. albeit this was a big freaking mistake that he denied making. honestly i can't do anything but shake my head. because the one thing that i trusted is completely shattered. and this new conflict isn't making things any better. yes, i had high hopes. yes, i am optimistic. but from this new stuff that i heard, its not making me feel any better. i guess we all just had different expectations, and none of them seemed to come out right. i just don't even know what to do. i feel so weak. and helpless. really wierd thing... got out my bible the other day and was just flipping through it. i haven't actually "read" the bible in who knows when. i don't even know if i can really get it right now. call me a doubting thomas or whatever. but shit.

i found a snuggie in giant eagle today!!!! i almost pissed myself!!! and i might have bought one too.



but they were like 15 bucks and thats really 15 bucks i can't afford right now. i just bought my textbooks and dang my account is taking a hit. at least minimum wage is going up! woo! 7.30 now!!

well i think my friend is trying to have a heart to heart. so signing off for now.