f-u-n

i feel like crying.
and the worst part is, i can't even pin down why.
i hate feeling like this.

here's a poem i wrote when i was sleep-deprived on sunday night. i'm not really sure what exactly i was talking about when i wrote it... but i'll just post it anyway.

__________________________________________________
I Must.

she take this newfound freedom
to the breakage point.

she breaks herself
upon the dreams
of what she thought she'd be,
the edges sharp with fierce want
and naivete.

you tell her she must.

i must.

must what?
must trust?
must feel?
must stop?

we count down the hours
but it doesn't do any good
because we never get to the part
we're waiting for.

stars may shine
in the hard black night
but i'm afraid
i must miss them
because i'm looking
at you.


*sigh*. until next time.

F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for uranium BOMBS, N is for no survivorssssss, down here in the deep blue sea.
No no, plankton! it spells F-U-N!!
-spongebob

a whole bottle...?

i love my life.
not really.

let's see...

- took a trip to lovell's (levels?) with brien. just a car ride. it was interesting, to say the least. i saw death castle, coffin station road, and went down into the basement. at least we didn't get attacked by the grim, but i didn't see brien's bug.

- i haven't written poetry for a really long time. and the Page needs submissions... i just feel that most of my stuff these days would be too emo. i have a hard enough time keeping my head above water with schoolwork, let alone writing poetry.

- i was the only one in hollenbeck's computer lab today. i have a 10 page paper due on tuesday. i felt like such a nerd sitting in the pc lab by myself working on that paper. GAH.

- i have approximately 19 days left of school. this is dependent on how long i stay... i could potentially do my jury before the 13th, which was the scheduled date. i dunno if i want to do that or not, because lauren and i had grand plans for those days that we didn't have any finals. i don't know if i am looking forward to leaving or not... because i am really going to miss witt and all my friends. but i will NOT miss the work.

- coloring therapy helps these days. along with hugs. i find i don't get enough of either.

- i am dreading packing up all my stuff.

- i still fit into my shorts from last summer. my self-image has slightly recovered. the weather has been gorgeous the past couple of days... friday, lauren, isabelle and i laid in the grass outside krieg before our piano class. i would have liked to do it today, too, but i didn't have anyone to do it with and plus i had to write that paper.

- it's been three weeks.

- i am on facebook entirely too much.

- i talked to a friend whom i saw when i went home for spring break, and who i hadn't seen for almost three years. she told me she had a crush on me freshman year. wow, i can't believe i was that dense that i didn't see it. looking back, it's wayyy too obvious that she liked me. and i can't believe that i'm not creeped out or anything. before college, i think i would have been. but i'm not now. i've said this before but i surprise myself all the time, these days.

- i really want some pickles.

- this bulleted list is getting annoying because all of them start with "i".

- starting to get slaphappy/hyper. and tonight is relay for life... and savannah and i are going to check it out. it is 11:47pm.

all we need

i just realized i've been single for over a year.
DAMMIT.

i've tried just ignoring things, i've tried playing it off, i've tried playing it up, i've prayed and hoped and wished and NOTHING. GAHHHHHHHH.

i wish that for once that my life would work out.

:(

i should probably get on that 10 page draft due tomorrow. i've got the rest of the night, though, and until 2pm tomorrow. so i'll just sit over here feeling sorry for my stupid little life and try to write about Jerusalem.

there's a guy who lauren works with that is totally head over heels for another co-worker. and they hang out and stuff, but she made it clear that she didn't want to date him. it was so cute that i almost wanted to barf, how the guy would watch her walk around the restaurant and do her duties and all that. oh, how i know how you feel, dude.

damn my life.
damn my emotions.
damn my hope.
damn it all.

sorry this is so frigging emo. i swear i'm not always like this. actually, i'm only like this about three days out of the month. today is one of those days.

____________________________________________

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
_________________________________________


Lay your sweet lovely on the ground
Lay your love on the track
We're gonna break the monster's back
Yes we are...
~ Love and Peace or Else, U2

if i get it all down on paper

i think a quote from American Beauty sums up things right now - "It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself." and boy, have i surprised myself. college changes things: opinions, perceptions, views. for both bad and good. i'm still trying to figure out if my changes have been bad or good. i can tell you one thing - i don't regret anything. honestly, i regret nothing i've done this year. and i guess that's good.

i've still got a crapload of work to do. and i still don't want to do it. but i think things are better than they were last week. it was really rough there for a while. could hardly get out of bed, let alone do anything productive. but you know me... the eternal optimist and idealist. things can get better.

only a few weeks of school left, then home to elyria for a good long while. i want to go, and yet i don't. i am going to miss witt and my friends here so so so much. but i kind of DO want to just go home.

teh interwebs is calling. more soon.

risen today

so i know i suck at blogging. i have been thinking about doing it for a while now, but just never really got around to it. there has been so much going on it's unbelievable.

first off, the past couple of weeks have been hell. i have so much work to do for all my classes. i just look at the giant pile and have no motivation. i am still behind in my religion class, i think i have one or two assignments to still turn in. at least i talked to her - i was like, hey, i don't mean to be a slacker in your class but i have a ton of stuff and am really stressed out. she said i actually had a legitimate reason to be behind, unlike some people who just don't show up to class. i really am going to miss this religion class though - apart from the fact that it is an hour and a half long (which in my opinion is way too long to hold a class) and we talk about dense religious theory, half of which i can't pronounce (hermeneutics? i still don't know what that means...) i really do like it. i always leave with some new thought in my head, a slightly brighter look at God's world and a small little hope. same with my education class - dr. welker is a fantastic teacher and i have learned soooo much it's kind of crazy. i have a million handouts though.

anyway, i finally got to go home this weekend for easter. i left thursday afternoon after my trumpet lesson, so i got home around 4. (it's a three hour drive.) brenda came to east rec and we played softball for a little bit. man, it felt good to hit a line drive!! i don't remember the last time i tossed around a softball. jessica came over too, because i had some things of hers. she DROVE herself, since now she has a license and didn't tell me. this was only the beginning of the bizarre-ness. so we went to the library, i got to see kelly when she went on break. who walks up other than ashley and dudley, neither of whom i have seen since about this time last year. ashley didn't finish school and dudley graduated before me. so we got to b.s. around with them a little bit until kelly had to go back in to work. jessica and i went to mcdonald's cause i was hungry. we're standing in line waiting for my fudge sundae when this random person bear hugs me from behind. i'm like WTF until i turn around and realize that it's kristen eagle, who i haven't seen since, like, my sophomore year of high school! we played girls extreme football together freshman year, and she's a riot to hang out with. it was just really wierd to see her - the first day i'm back in elyria in like a month and she just happens to be at the same mcdonald's at the same time! so after i catch up with her a little bit, jessica takes me out to the mall so i can see the desolation happening there. we ended up spending like, an hour and a half inside the mall. i have NEVER done that in my life! i mean, this is the kid who walked to the LIBRARY everyday after school. i never hung out at the mall at all. but she and i walked around, went in a few stores, saw some clothes i liked but didn't buy because i'm poor, and ate more food. by this time, it was around 9, so jess took me back home and just spent the rest of the night lazing around.

friday was an interesting day also. i didn't do anything until about 2, when my cousin called me and told me she was picking me up. i was still in my pj booty shorts and tank top, mind you, so i leaped around the house trying to get ready. she took me to our grandma's, because she was doing laundry (she's a college kid too) and we caught up on a lot of stuff. i really miss her. we used to be really close when we were little. we went to church together on sundays and always went out to lunch afterwards, and i spent summers at her house and my grandma's playing all the time. and it's tough because she's going to be graduating from college this year, is looking for teaching jobs, and is starting to make her own life. it's kind of depressing, scary, exciting and amazing all at the same time. anyway, i spent some time with her and then jessica called and asked if i wanted papa john's pizza - hell yeah i did! so i went with her to eat food. she then dropped me off at stephanie's house, because we were having the traditional movie night/sleepover. it was brittany and stephanie's birthday this weekend, so we had a little cake and ice cream and snacks and stuff. brittany was so shocked that we had cake for her, lol. we watched twilight (woo...) and hard candy after brenda and jessica went home. holy crap, that movie is ridiculous!!!! the ending! gah!! brittany and i fell asleep on steph's floor. woke up and watched most of Yes Man, but i didn't get to see the end because my mom was coming to pick me up. she and i went to our friend's house because she was in town, so i got to see judy for a little while. then mom and i got some lunch and went shopping for easter. the night consisted of lazing about the house some more.

and easter was today. got up early to go to church. it was really nice to see everyone again. i didn't realize how much i would miss that - just a group of people that i am familiar and comfortable with and i get to see every week. it's just not the same when i'm here. firstly, i value my sleep too much. secondly, it's hard to get used to a new church and people and ways of doing things. blahhh. anyway, after church, we went to my grandma's for the traditional easter dinner. it was a little more informal this year because there weren't as many people there. i didn't even get to see my brother - he was with his girlfriend's family. it was still a good time however. i fell asleep on my grandma's living room floor, so i guess that's the seal of approval. around five thirty my parents and i left, i packed up my stuff and my mom and i made the trek back down here. we didn't get here until about 9. stupid holiday traffic. we always seem to get slowed down between mansfield and columbus. always! but anyway after we got past that spot of stop and go we got here in a relatively reasonable amount of time. got all my stuff unpacked... thank god i didn't have any homework due tomorrow. tuesday is a different story though - looks like i'll be spending some time in the hollenbeck computer lab. i like it there because i conveniently forget my headphones, so i can't listen to anything like youtube to distract me. and i actually (usually) get work done. unless brien is there, conquering his minions or singing some french song or something. :D i really do totally enjoy the company, though, brien!!!

so tomorrow i go back at it. only a month and i'm done for the summer, halleluia. hopefully i won't have many finals, and then i could be out even earlier! not that i have any plans for this summer, until july. brother's wedding... camping in canada... cousin's wedding... dave matthews band concert... my july is gone! but no, really, i can't wait for summer. hell, even if the weather was just WARMER, i would like things better. i just wanna wear shorts, i'm sick of jeans. hell, i'm sick of pants in general. but i don't think the greater population would particularly appreciate that. ah well...

so this is a really long blog. if you got this far through reading all of it, i applaud you. i even might have a piece of candy for you in my dorm room that you can have as a treat! awww, how cute!

oh man. starting to get slaphappy. this is not good. i must go to bed.

by the way, i don't think the timestamp on my blog is right. it's only 11:43, not 3am like it's been saying in the past. blah.