if i were giant-sized

well today didn't go as well as planned.

benford emailed me last night... one of his friends was killed last night and we wasn't coming to school today. i figured out it was the same guy that was in the newspaper, who was in the ATV accident in eaton township. as much as i'm really disappointed not to be able to learn how to write a drill with him... i just can't feel that way. i've been thinking about him a lot today. i can't even believe what that must be like, to lose a friend so suddenly. i don't want to think about it. half of me really wants to call him up, and the other half doesn't want to talk to him for a while. so, it looks like things won't work out...again...

stephanie, brittany and i went to thursday night practice tonight. i was kind of excited to go, to see what's going on, but once i got there, i just felt sad. i know things change and we all need to move on... but that band means so much to me and it's so different and it breaks my heart. stephanie and i were talking about ex-boyfriends, and junior high, and all that past stuff, and part of me really wants to just go back a few years. i wish i still felt that totally comfortable feeling, that ownership i had of my school and hometown. i mean, i feel like i am a part of wittenberg, but it's not really *mine* yet. and elyria, there are so many changes going on i hardly recognize it sometimes. it's wierd to think that this is the last generation of band kids that will know me... the sophomores that i taught are graduating this year. after that, i really will have no place there. i mean, i already feel awkward being there at practice, and it'll get even more awkward.

another thing that makes me feel sad is what stephanie said earlier at their practice - you can tell that they're pruning mr. k to be the next director. i mean, it's apparent. he's already gotten to write a drill for pete's sake. and a little part of me died when she said that (no offense, steph, if you're reading this). but i always had this hidden fantasy that I would be the next director. i would follow and carry on the murray-benford mentality. i know it's so far-fetched... but a little part of me i tucked away always had the vision of being next-in-line. and i guess it's just not going to work that way. i know i'm kind of being selfish, and i really like mr. k and i think he'll be awesome... but i still can't help but feel a little disappointed.

tomorrow morning i have to face reality once again. my great aunt is being interred tomorrow. i hate it. i hate being away from home when this sort of thing happens. when my mom called me with the news that she passed away... it was all i could do not to completely fall apart. i hate the fact that my whole family was together for the first time in in i don't know when (my cousin is home from iraq) and i wasn't even there. i will obviously get to see them tomorrow, for which i am grateful. but two days later i have to turn around and go three hours away again. on top of my great aunt, one of my friend's mothers passed away, and so did benford's friend. so i've been thinking of them all along with my own family. it's so difficult to not curl up into a little ball and disappear for a while. that's what i really want to do - just go to bed for a few days and hide. i don't even know what to do with myself. ugggh. hopefully tomorrow will be better because then i'll be with my friends and i can just forget about it for a while. writing poems doesn't even help anymore.