Start laughing hysterically at anything and everything

I usually hate Mondays for one reason only: trumpet lessons. Shudder. I am not the best performer so playing by myself in front of someone is really nerve-wracking. Because of my crazy schedule and my inability to say "no" to people, practicing in a deserted hallway of practice rooms late at night is not really appealing to me. I know I should practice more than I do, and it's only myself that's holding me back. But somehow today's lesson went actually really well. I found one of my weaknesses in playing - breathing. When you play, ideally the breath should be a straight line of air throughout. But for some ungodly reason I don't do that. Instead, my breath follows the line of music either up or down, which affects my sound and intonation. My teacher helped me with some of this today and I am going to have to work hard to get better. I think part of it is that I never got private lessons in junior high or high school, so I am lacking some of the basics and am now trying to catch up.
For one of my recital pieces I am playing Rondo For Lifey by Leonard Bernstein. He is one of my suprem-o favorite composer/conductor/teachers, so when Bryan mentioned this to me I jumped at the chance to play it. It's a fun little ditty, as they say, and I just busted it out today and for once Bryan didn't have too many bad things to say.



Most of the time he tears me apart, which is usually warranted by my lack of practice, but finally he was...dare i say... a teensy bit impressed?
HALLELUIA!!
I cannot tell you the grief this man causes me. All the time he's just like "I know you can do better, I want you to be a great player, take this to the next level" and I try, I really do. I really have to work at it and I struggle a lot. But today might have been a "breakthrough". Don't want to call things too quickly but it was totally different than most of my sucky lessons!
And you know what?
It makes me feel great.
And I no longer have a case of the Garfield Mondays.

We're just ordinary people

day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget



I made a huge mistake. Most of Spring semester 2010 really really sucked because of this. Should have listened and believed what people told me about him.
Bad decisions.
Bad bad bad.


On a happier note, only five days until I get to meet my niece!!!
My mom is taking me home for spring break on Saturday, and we're probably going to get off the highway and go directly to their house.
Becca said that I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted. Since Matt has to go back to work next week, I might stay there for part of the time I am home and help out - making dinner, cleaning, laundry, etc.
My mom is off next week too, which means I'll be able to spend mucho time with family. Ohhhhh yes!!

she said she needed a break

day 20: A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel



I'd really like to travel out west and see everything. hell, honestly i'd like to travel anywhere right now. i love ohio but there's so much more out there.

some of us were thinking about taking a road trip this summer. it'd be really cool if it were to work out, but i am not sure how it might conflict with the summer classes i have to take. and it depends on if the summer classes i need are even offered here. what i really need is spanish, but there are a few others too. rachel said something about clark state having online classes, and that would be a good option if witt didn't have the language over the summer.

ugh i hate this waiting game. i won't know what summer classes are until march.

NMP.

I don't understand why things are so unreliable.
It's literally like a rollercoaster ride in the dark. I'll be flying around this awesome sweeping curve and then all of a sudden the bottom drops out and I am left scrambling for some sense of stability. There are such extreme highs and lows I'm starting to get concerned.

I want to go home and meet my niece.

I want to tell someone how much I love them.

I want to go out and make a difference. I feel like I am just sitting here biding my time in college. After watching Waiting For Superman last night, it's killing me to spend my time writing stupid papers and do assignments when I know there is important work out there.

After having hot chocolate with w, I have decided that I will try being more honest with people and say what I feel. He asked me some questions I was a bit nervous about, and I probably could have said a lot more than I did, but I realized I hold back a lot.

I also am trying super hard to make better eye contact with people. Only after my education class did a few group things did I realize that I SUCK at this! Major suck-o. And I don't know why. I think it has something to do with feeling vulnerable, which goes back to the hot cocoa talk above. Sometimes it's okay to feel vulnerable. Like, I was terrified to lead warm ups for the choir this past week. There is no other vulnerability than standing in front of a group of people who are staring at you to tell them what to do. It was the scariest thing I've done in a while. But -- somehow I got through it. There are times when I wonder what the HELL I was thinking getting into this college and doing what I'm doing, and then there are other times I couldn't dream of doing anything else. And standing in front of the choirs for the first time made me realize how awesome this is sometimes.

Today has been a productive day, surprisingly. Checking things off my to-do list is a lot more effective than sitting around freaking out about what's going to happen in the next year or year and a half. I feel like I have no sense of direction right now other than some very abstract ideas of where I'd like to be. On one hand that's kind of thrilling, not knowing what will become of me, but on the other hand I really like a sense of stability. There it is again - my struggle right now! Stability.

Kat said the other night that she was going to get me a boy. I am not sure what this means. Yes, I'd like a boyfriend but I don't want it to be forced and I want them to at least like me before we're forced together by a matchmaker. I am constantly afraid I am not good enough or that I am making mistakes left and right that will affect everything. And another thing - why the hell do I take things so personally?? This is really starting to bug me. Katie and I came up with a motto: Not My Problem. NMP. Both of us have a really bad habit of taking too many things on but sometimes it's okay to let other people do stuff. So sometimes mistakes happen, but guess what, all of them are Not My Problem. This may be a little pessimistic but it's a joke-y way of saying 'dude i've got way too much on my plate right now so i'm gonna take a step back.' which is totally okay sometimes, right? Right???

Today's post brought to you by the letter B

Day 19 - A picture and a letter



"I consider it an honor and privilege to know and talk with you."

Who's the king of your satellite castle?

day eighteen: A picture of your biggest insecurity



How people view me. What people think of me. I know it's stupid and I shouldn't waste my time, but I still care about what other people think.

She's a chunker

day seventeen: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently





my brother became a dad. my dad became a grandfather. I became an aunt.

It takes a whole village

yesterday was wednesday.
day sixteen: A picture of someone who inspires you



Geoffrey Canada. Harlem Children's Zone. If you are at all concerned about the future of education, google this.

Bottom of the hill

day fifteen: A picture of something you want to do before you die

I want to see the Aurora Borealis.



I hate to say it but I really don't want to be in college right now. I want to take a break. I want to stop writing papers and meaningless assignments that mean nothing to me and doing things for other people and fighting to stay awake in class and jumping through the hoops of a liberal arts education and being so close and yet so damn far.
I just want to quit.
Things always seem to pile up so that I can barely get out from under them. An insane rollercoaster that has been going for too long and I just want OFF.

It doesn't help that my sister in law is at the hospital right now in labor with a child and I am three hours away.

I know this post is ridiculously emo and all that shit. But I don't care.

Just plain dumb

forgot to do sunday's:
day thirteen: A picture of your favorite band or artist



I've seen them live twice at Blossom. They have a song for anything I could ever feel. I love them.

eat steak eat steak

day twelve: A picture of something you love



"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

Fry-day

day eleven: a picture of something I hate



someone keeping you down, someone suppressing you.

catching up

day eight: A picture that makes you laugh



yep. yep, that's me. on the ground. eating dirt.

day nine: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most



I love her.

day ten: A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with



basically.

Excuse me as I try not to expel sputum all over the keyboard

Allow me to wallow in self-pity just for a sec... came down with the flu and a sinus infection this weekend. saturday was a complete waste - i literally slept ALL day. like, I didn't leave my bed except to go to the bathroom. Yesterday I felt mildly better but went to the health center just in case this morning. Turns out I broke blood vessels in my face from heaving so violently, so it's not a skin-eating rash like I hoped.

Anyway, I'm behind on the thirty day challenge:
Day five: A picture of my favorite memory



you already know how much this man means to me, and what marching band did for me in high school. i don't need to explain it again. it was the best three years of my life.

day six: a picture of a person I'd love to trade places with for a day.



I'm not afraid to admit I have a teensy little crush on anthony bourdain. he's just got the bad-assery and rebel boy image goin' on. i think it'd be cool to travel the world and just eat.
haha.

day seven: a picture of my most treasured item.



my little treasure box. holds all the little things that mean a lot.

--------------

oh yeah, so today's valentine's day.
spent it single once again.
i also sanitized all the surfaces of our apartment so my roommate doesn't get my sickness.
what a great day.
-____-

If you had a penis for a day

Day four of the thirty day challenge: a picture of my favorite night



i would say that this picture generally sums up most nights when we get together with the crew. something always ends up happening, shenanigans ensue and we just sit around and laugh.
i love these people. i miss them so damn much. growing up is hard.

rock crushes lizard

Day three of the thirty day challenge: A picture of the cast from your favorite show



holy penguin poop i love this show. for you uncultured fools it's the big bang theory. it's about three physicists, an engineer and a waitress at the cheesecake factory and the shenanigans that they get into. they're all socially awkward in some way and i just love that! it's a really funny show so if you've got an inner geek just dying to get out.... this is the show for you.

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

So Damn Lucky

Day Two of the thirty day challenge:
A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest



she's my best friend, my confidant, my moral compass, my sister. we've been friends since preschool - literally - she has pictures to prove it. we're eating pretzels and drinking juice in the photo, by the way.
i know that after everything, we will be there for each other to support and encourage and sometimes bitch to each other.
and there have been times where we've been known to get a little goofy. the memories are endless.

riding bikes down case ave., racing around the circle at Prospect, going to the bookmobile, playing with beanie babies on my blanket, playing "dogs" on her jungle gym, making fort houses in the snow that only ever included tvs and chairs, playing pod racers in her room after school, swinging on june's swing, climbing our trees, her carrying my percussion set home from school, those first days of school when my mom took pictures of us, hiding in the leaf piles at halloween, memorizing her phone number but being too afraid to call, hiding in the back of her purple van, swinging on my rope swing, playing with my bunny rabbit, sneaking inside the house when our parents weren't home, finally being back in school together in high school, band lunch, cheta cheese, on the rising winds-shhhhhhh, playing albanian dance over and over and over again to get the pattern, the east and west hemispheres, mario savvio, shepka's baby, mmmm red meat, passing down my band gloves so she can use them to drive, hiding six people in brenda's car so we could get to the stadium, hat checks, stale popcorn and water at halftime, the candlelight ceremony, band lunch powwows, 5 mph in the parking lot, retarded flutes, duck lust buns, geese go quack, "did you say you'll never know it's keeshan?", dancing to yoko kanno at 2am, mario kart, cookies with no vanilla flavor, my grad party and the rainbow, alumni band when she wasn't yet an alumni - boom chicken boom, lolcats and how real they actually are, "the list", if i had a penis for a day, dave matthews' So Damn Lucky, Little Red Bird, LeRoi <3, in search of the red witt chairs......

okay so i'm exhausted from all that thinking.
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Wherein I succumb to peer pressure and talk too much about myself

Okay so I usually don't do these kinds of things, but they're blowing up facebook about it and it actually seems like a pretty cool concept. The idea is to upload a picture once a day for the next thirty days, and each day has a specific prompt.

Today is number 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.



and my ten facts:
1. I really love sleeping in and eating. I am trying to subscribe to the "eat when hungry, sleep when tired" zen thing. It's worked okay so far, but since I'm in class all day "eating" tends to be some grapes while sitting in music history class. Speaking of... my stomach is literally twitching right now.
2. I really love teaching and service. If I can't find a teaching job after graduating, I am considering doing Americorps or Teach For America. I fell in love with working with Promise Neighborhood. I feel it's what I'm called to do.
3. I wish I could dress like a hipster and not be judged. Lol. Though I am not a hipster I do like the fashion.
4. Speaking of fashion, with my next paycheck I am going to buy another pair of Toms shoes.
5. I hate to say it... but I have come to enjoy macs and a part of me really wishes my parents had bought me a macbook pro!
6. I am a hopeless romantic who is a teensy bit existential and idealist and loves good literature, movies and poetry. Not to mention a glass of wine along with those.
7. If you tell me to read something or watch something, I will. My teachers are continually surprised because I'll come back to class having read a book they briefly mentioned. Happens with Dr. w all the time.
8. I enjoy the outdoors, camping and fishing and all that jazz and think I can hold my own when it comes to those things. However, I consider myself a city girl.
9. My "favorites" like food, color, movie or book, change with whatever I'm doing. If I'm reading an especially good book, that's my favorite at the time. That isn't to say I don't have preferences or books and movies I'll experience over and over again. Jeesh, I've probably read Matilda about 50 times.
10. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo.