NMP.

I don't understand why things are so unreliable.
It's literally like a rollercoaster ride in the dark. I'll be flying around this awesome sweeping curve and then all of a sudden the bottom drops out and I am left scrambling for some sense of stability. There are such extreme highs and lows I'm starting to get concerned.

I want to go home and meet my niece.

I want to tell someone how much I love them.

I want to go out and make a difference. I feel like I am just sitting here biding my time in college. After watching Waiting For Superman last night, it's killing me to spend my time writing stupid papers and do assignments when I know there is important work out there.

After having hot chocolate with w, I have decided that I will try being more honest with people and say what I feel. He asked me some questions I was a bit nervous about, and I probably could have said a lot more than I did, but I realized I hold back a lot.

I also am trying super hard to make better eye contact with people. Only after my education class did a few group things did I realize that I SUCK at this! Major suck-o. And I don't know why. I think it has something to do with feeling vulnerable, which goes back to the hot cocoa talk above. Sometimes it's okay to feel vulnerable. Like, I was terrified to lead warm ups for the choir this past week. There is no other vulnerability than standing in front of a group of people who are staring at you to tell them what to do. It was the scariest thing I've done in a while. But -- somehow I got through it. There are times when I wonder what the HELL I was thinking getting into this college and doing what I'm doing, and then there are other times I couldn't dream of doing anything else. And standing in front of the choirs for the first time made me realize how awesome this is sometimes.

Today has been a productive day, surprisingly. Checking things off my to-do list is a lot more effective than sitting around freaking out about what's going to happen in the next year or year and a half. I feel like I have no sense of direction right now other than some very abstract ideas of where I'd like to be. On one hand that's kind of thrilling, not knowing what will become of me, but on the other hand I really like a sense of stability. There it is again - my struggle right now! Stability.

Kat said the other night that she was going to get me a boy. I am not sure what this means. Yes, I'd like a boyfriend but I don't want it to be forced and I want them to at least like me before we're forced together by a matchmaker. I am constantly afraid I am not good enough or that I am making mistakes left and right that will affect everything. And another thing - why the hell do I take things so personally?? This is really starting to bug me. Katie and I came up with a motto: Not My Problem. NMP. Both of us have a really bad habit of taking too many things on but sometimes it's okay to let other people do stuff. So sometimes mistakes happen, but guess what, all of them are Not My Problem. This may be a little pessimistic but it's a joke-y way of saying 'dude i've got way too much on my plate right now so i'm gonna take a step back.' which is totally okay sometimes, right? Right???