Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Should have thought that through
oh p.s.
i jumped in a pond today.
note that it is the last day of winter.
the water was approximately 42 degrees.
stupid stupid stupid.
i think i may have shocked my body into changing its chemistry because it's almost twelve hours later and i am STILL cold.
even though i am bummed i have to stay on campus this summer to take classes, i am looking forward to doing some fun things too. like swimming in ponds that might be a little warmer THAN FORTY FRACKING DEGREES.
i jumped in a pond today.
note that it is the last day of winter.
the water was approximately 42 degrees.
stupid stupid stupid.
i think i may have shocked my body into changing its chemistry because it's almost twelve hours later and i am STILL cold.
even though i am bummed i have to stay on campus this summer to take classes, i am looking forward to doing some fun things too. like swimming in ponds that might be a little warmer THAN FORTY FRACKING DEGREES.
Lightweight
If your friend had a problem, and you knew they needed help, you'd get help for them, right?
Even if they didn't want/need (or think they needed) help?
Even if it might cost you your friendship?
I can see it coming, and the problem is only going to get worse. I care about this person and I want them to be okay - so that justifies me seeking help? For both of us - obviously they need help with the problem, and I need help because I don't know how to deal with the problem on my own.
I am worried they will think I am trying to intervene in their life when they are capable of handling it themselves.
I guess right now I can talk to someone I know can guide me here and see what they think the next step is.
All I know is that I am not going down that really rocky road. It's already bad enough.
Even if they didn't want/need (or think they needed) help?
Even if it might cost you your friendship?
I can see it coming, and the problem is only going to get worse. I care about this person and I want them to be okay - so that justifies me seeking help? For both of us - obviously they need help with the problem, and I need help because I don't know how to deal with the problem on my own.
I am worried they will think I am trying to intervene in their life when they are capable of handling it themselves.
I guess right now I can talk to someone I know can guide me here and see what they think the next step is.
All I know is that I am not going down that really rocky road. It's already bad enough.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I do not love you...
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
*Shing* Sparkle sparkle
Things are going really well since I've been back to school. This is weird. I'm not sure what to do.
For one of our big assignments in my high school education class, we had to create a climate plan for our classroom. Basically, it lays out what we will do as teachers to create a positive learning environment where students can feel comfortable and really succeed. It was a huge assignment, 20 pages of my own and other handouts/articles. w is a tough grader, he says so himself, but somehow I managed a 94.5% on it. There are only a few things that I need to revise and they're more a need to extend thinking a bit.
Another huge assignment for (guess who) w was in the honors class. Our assignment was to write a paper about some aspect of poverty beyond the economic. I wrote about redemption and how people in poverty experience redemptive sequences in order to grow. I got an A on it, which I feel is pretty unheard of. We talked about it today and he kept saying "this is good, this is good." Ha.
Thought I missed the deadline for budget hearings, but they're having two more dates next week. Whew. I already screwed up the budget once, don't need to do it again.
Scheduling for next year is once again a hot mess. Spanish is being offered in the summer, praise god, but astronomy (which we were banking on to get a science and math out of the way) is for whatever reason not offered in the fall. I think I'm going to end up taking three classes over the summer - spanish, a physics of some sort and an art. Oh, and community service which I am totally doing with Promise. So that leaves a gym class and all the other stuff for my major. But I think that's the last of my gen eds, FINALLY. God I wanna get out of here!!
March fifteenth. Besides bewaring the ides of March, it is the anniversary of my grandfather's death. Eight years ago. I can't believe it's been that long... I wish he could see where I am now. I miss him terribly. I can still remember exactly when and where I was when my dad answered the phone. 4:21 on a saturday afternoon. But I don't want to dwell on it. I'm just sad my niece won't know him.
Seeing as how my spring break was busy in ways not related to school, I didn't get a lot of time to practice trumpet. I was kinda worried about my lesson, but I get an email at 8 on Sunday from Bryan asking if we can reschedule my lesson at 2... well too bad I have a class at that time so I couldn't do it. Free no lesson day.
Cha-ching.
Thirty-five days of classes left.
For one of our big assignments in my high school education class, we had to create a climate plan for our classroom. Basically, it lays out what we will do as teachers to create a positive learning environment where students can feel comfortable and really succeed. It was a huge assignment, 20 pages of my own and other handouts/articles. w is a tough grader, he says so himself, but somehow I managed a 94.5% on it. There are only a few things that I need to revise and they're more a need to extend thinking a bit.
Another huge assignment for (guess who) w was in the honors class. Our assignment was to write a paper about some aspect of poverty beyond the economic. I wrote about redemption and how people in poverty experience redemptive sequences in order to grow. I got an A on it, which I feel is pretty unheard of. We talked about it today and he kept saying "this is good, this is good." Ha.
Thought I missed the deadline for budget hearings, but they're having two more dates next week. Whew. I already screwed up the budget once, don't need to do it again.
Scheduling for next year is once again a hot mess. Spanish is being offered in the summer, praise god, but astronomy (which we were banking on to get a science and math out of the way) is for whatever reason not offered in the fall. I think I'm going to end up taking three classes over the summer - spanish, a physics of some sort and an art. Oh, and community service which I am totally doing with Promise. So that leaves a gym class and all the other stuff for my major. But I think that's the last of my gen eds, FINALLY. God I wanna get out of here!!
March fifteenth. Besides bewaring the ides of March, it is the anniversary of my grandfather's death. Eight years ago. I can't believe it's been that long... I wish he could see where I am now. I miss him terribly. I can still remember exactly when and where I was when my dad answered the phone. 4:21 on a saturday afternoon. But I don't want to dwell on it. I'm just sad my niece won't know him.
Seeing as how my spring break was busy in ways not related to school, I didn't get a lot of time to practice trumpet. I was kinda worried about my lesson, but I get an email at 8 on Sunday from Bryan asking if we can reschedule my lesson at 2... well too bad I have a class at that time so I couldn't do it. Free no lesson day.
Cha-ching.
Thirty-five days of classes left.
Monday, March 14, 2011
lovely and significant
So.
Day one of back-to-school after Spring Break 2011.
Not that my spring break was anything really spectacular... I didn't go to El Salvador or Florida... hell, I barely traveled outside Lorain County.
Still, it was impeccable timing to have break - I needed it badly. Things were spiraling out of control a few weeks ago and I was drowning in all kinds of stuff to do. Thankfully break came and I got calmed down and relaxed and out of myself. (It is a personality trait of mine that when things go wrong or I am freaking out I kind of just melt down and go back into myself where no one can reach me. Coping mechanism. Terrible, terrible, coping mechanism.) I found out that holding a sleeping baby can do wonders for your mental state. I got to kiss her and love her and look at her and smell her wonderful baby smell (minus the diapers). For once I actually felt calm. Calm, I tell you. That hasn't happened in millennia.
I had to go to a funeral (well, funeral home viewing) because a member of our church, young man, 22 years old, passed away suddenly last week. It seems like every time I travel home I have to go to some funeral or something. It is enough to make me stay away... but I miss my family too much.
Got to spend some very brief time with my friends. Most of them are working now, so it's a challenge of epic proportions to get everyone together in one spot. I did get to spend a lot of time with Jessica and also Heather, and that was wonderful because I love that family.
People are beginning to ask me what I am going to do in the next year and after... and my response is: graduate, and then who the hell knows. It is so scary. I was up until 2 last night thinking about it. I was also nervous because I had to teach a lesson this morning in front of 20 of my peers, which is unbelievably difficult. But overall I think it went okay. Welker had feedback for me, of course, but the response from the class was positive.
Somehow - somehowwwww - I pulled out a B on my music history midterm. I only missed fifteen points total (thank god for bonus points). I vowed last semester to not pull a last minute study session, but of course I did, and I really thought I was screwed. I'd like to get an A in this class, so I will have to do well on the paper. I got a B+ on my paper last semester, and Dr. s said that was good for one of his classes, and I know I can do better, so I'm shooting for better than a B+. I am going to start studying like, now, for the final exam.
Once again, I have a class time conflict with an education and a music class next semester. I need both, and the professor who only has five students in his class (logically the one who could find another time, compared with the education class that has potentially 20 students in it) is fighting to keep his time in the morning. I am so frustrated. We'll see what happens, I guess...
Okay so I have to go to the library to pick up 3038528027 vhs tapes for my favorite professor in the whole wide world, so that'll be it for now.
:: It's been real. ::
Day one of back-to-school after Spring Break 2011.
Not that my spring break was anything really spectacular... I didn't go to El Salvador or Florida... hell, I barely traveled outside Lorain County.
Still, it was impeccable timing to have break - I needed it badly. Things were spiraling out of control a few weeks ago and I was drowning in all kinds of stuff to do. Thankfully break came and I got calmed down and relaxed and out of myself. (It is a personality trait of mine that when things go wrong or I am freaking out I kind of just melt down and go back into myself where no one can reach me. Coping mechanism. Terrible, terrible, coping mechanism.) I found out that holding a sleeping baby can do wonders for your mental state. I got to kiss her and love her and look at her and smell her wonderful baby smell (minus the diapers). For once I actually felt calm. Calm, I tell you. That hasn't happened in millennia.
I had to go to a funeral (well, funeral home viewing) because a member of our church, young man, 22 years old, passed away suddenly last week. It seems like every time I travel home I have to go to some funeral or something. It is enough to make me stay away... but I miss my family too much.
Got to spend some very brief time with my friends. Most of them are working now, so it's a challenge of epic proportions to get everyone together in one spot. I did get to spend a lot of time with Jessica and also Heather, and that was wonderful because I love that family.
People are beginning to ask me what I am going to do in the next year and after... and my response is: graduate, and then who the hell knows. It is so scary. I was up until 2 last night thinking about it. I was also nervous because I had to teach a lesson this morning in front of 20 of my peers, which is unbelievably difficult. But overall I think it went okay. Welker had feedback for me, of course, but the response from the class was positive.
Somehow - somehowwwww - I pulled out a B on my music history midterm. I only missed fifteen points total (thank god for bonus points). I vowed last semester to not pull a last minute study session, but of course I did, and I really thought I was screwed. I'd like to get an A in this class, so I will have to do well on the paper. I got a B+ on my paper last semester, and Dr. s said that was good for one of his classes, and I know I can do better, so I'm shooting for better than a B+. I am going to start studying like, now, for the final exam.
Once again, I have a class time conflict with an education and a music class next semester. I need both, and the professor who only has five students in his class (logically the one who could find another time, compared with the education class that has potentially 20 students in it) is fighting to keep his time in the morning. I am so frustrated. We'll see what happens, I guess...
Okay so I have to go to the library to pick up 3038528027 vhs tapes for my favorite professor in the whole wide world, so that'll be it for now.
:: It's been real. ::
Sunday, March 13, 2011
missed me missed me now you gotta kiss me
day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you
Last summer I got to accompany students to Columbus on a field trip. This was one of my first encounters with Promise Neighborhood.
day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member
my brodda. we've gotten a lot closer over the past few years.
day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of
ever since I can remember, having someone break into our house has been one of my biggest fears. I was never afraid of the dark... I was afraid of someone breaking into the dark.
day 29: A picture that can always make you smile
If you look closely, mr. b is sitting behind me. No matter how much time may pass, we can always pick right back up where we left off.
This was at Vacationland; we had played Apples to Apples and you know how your green cards at the end are supposed to describe how you are in bed? His first word - dysfunctional. so. freaking. funny.
day 30: A picture of someone you miss
l kel. even though she can be a pain in the ass :P ... things were so fun.
Last summer I got to accompany students to Columbus on a field trip. This was one of my first encounters with Promise Neighborhood.
day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member
my brodda. we've gotten a lot closer over the past few years.
day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of
ever since I can remember, having someone break into our house has been one of my biggest fears. I was never afraid of the dark... I was afraid of someone breaking into the dark.
day 29: A picture that can always make you smile
If you look closely, mr. b is sitting behind me. No matter how much time may pass, we can always pick right back up where we left off.
This was at Vacationland; we had played Apples to Apples and you know how your green cards at the end are supposed to describe how you are in bed? His first word - dysfunctional. so. freaking. funny.
day 30: A picture of someone you miss
l kel. even though she can be a pain in the ass :P ... things were so fun.
Friday, March 04, 2011
ooh i'm already gone
day 25: A picture of your favorite day
Huh. This is tough. I have a lot of favorite days...
but most recently, this is what comes to mind. rachel and i had a cancelled class on a thursday afternoon, so we took a walk down to the little playground near campus. we acted silly for a while, and spent some time swinging on the swings. it was one of those odd warm days in february, so the weather was gorgeous. we walked to coffee expressions and got smoothies and generally just enjoyed being outside and not in a classroom. it was wonderful.
Huh. This is tough. I have a lot of favorite days...
but most recently, this is what comes to mind. rachel and i had a cancelled class on a thursday afternoon, so we took a walk down to the little playground near campus. we acted silly for a while, and spent some time swinging on the swings. it was one of those odd warm days in february, so the weather was gorgeous. we walked to coffee expressions and got smoothies and generally just enjoyed being outside and not in a classroom. it was wonderful.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
darlin' darlin'
day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change
my alone-ness. is it too much to ask to find someone with whom i can share my time?
my alone-ness. is it too much to ask to find someone with whom i can share my time?
I gave them all the truth and none of the honesty
day 23: A picture of your favorite book
This was an easy one. I've read it twice in the past six months. I absolutely adore it and I think everyone should read it. Colum McCann is such a gifted writer... there are passages in this book that I read every so often and just go "wow... damn..." and it's like someone punched me in the stomach with that sentence. Fantastic. Go read.
Go on.
Right now!
This was an easy one. I've read it twice in the past six months. I absolutely adore it and I think everyone should read it. Colum McCann is such a gifted writer... there are passages in this book that I read every so often and just go "wow... damn..." and it's like someone punched me in the stomach with that sentence. Fantastic. Go read.
Go on.
Right now!
day 22 was tuesday
day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at
I hate to say it but I think college has made me into an introvert. Except for when I'm with my friends and family, I would rather be alone reading a book or something like that. I like to think about things for a while before I respond. I wish I were better at talking to people in order to make connections. And honestly I don't even know why I'm scared of opening my mouth. But as a teacher it's something I'm going to have to get over.
And yes, that's me in that photo... Esther's daycare. Stupid bunny ears. I don't even remember why I was crying!
I hate to say it but I think college has made me into an introvert. Except for when I'm with my friends and family, I would rather be alone reading a book or something like that. I like to think about things for a while before I respond. I wish I were better at talking to people in order to make connections. And honestly I don't even know why I'm scared of opening my mouth. But as a teacher it's something I'm going to have to get over.
And yes, that's me in that photo... Esther's daycare. Stupid bunny ears. I don't even remember why I was crying!
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