North or South

I am without a compass.
My sails are full of wind, but missing direction.

But trees –
Do trees know which way they will grow?
Ever reaching toward sunlight, nourishment, the highest breeze –

Do trees live purposeful lives?

How would we ever know if trees think about these things
if we never bothered to ask.

They could teach me a thing or two about true north.

Not a F*#$ will be given today

Jesus H. Christ, it's October? I swear it was just August.

So since I haven't written in a while you can probably guess that this is the Semester From Hell. Like, I had thought that previous semesters were the semester from hell. No. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be in school, I am apathetic about everything, have lost most creativity. People expect me to be a machine and I just don't function like that. Senior year is the time to step it up. I am terrified.

Some highlights:

I turned 21! It's still kind of wierd to think that I can now buy legal drinks.

Canada this year was fantastic - my cousin and I came to the realization that we are soulmates. And this year we FINALLY went skinnydipping. SO. COLD.

The first Wednesday back at Witt, Rachel threw me a surprise birthday party. It was totally unexpected and so, so wonderful. I've never had a surprise party before. Pretty much everyone I care about on campus was there. Sadly I had class at 8am, so left relatively early.

I arm-wrestled my professor. That's right. Where else could you have these kinds of experiences?? It's a long story that I'm too lazy to talk about, but let's just say for a skinny man Dr. K is quite strong.

I am now an employee for an awesome organization. It has proved to be like the summer in terms of volume of work and craziness. However, it's one of the few things getting me through right now.

I am, for the first time in my life, in a real choir. I actually really enjoy it and even though I am not required to stay next semester because of student teaching, I might do it anyway.

FYI, I am sitting in chem right now. As you can tell I don't give a leap about this class.

I hate yahoo mail.
It's my spam email for whenever I have to use my email to sign into something (beyond like official bills and stuff).
Anyway, it's the email I use to communicate with a few people from my past life.
Namely mr. b.

I sent him an email yesterday because I was just really missing him. He's not the best at responding to things in the first place...
but everytime I see that little "Inbox:1" message I can't help but have a little hope that he's finally written me back.

And every time, it's not him.

Major bummer.

Blowin' me up with her love

Today is a pre-o day on campus: pre-orientation for incoming students that will be freshmen in the fall.

I just have to say that I feel really freaking old.
They are the class of 2015. And my class of 2012 are now the seniors in this place. I can't believe it. Everyone is right, of course - the time goes so much faster. I thought high school went by fast, but now here it is with a year left to go in my undergrad degree. and I have no idea what comes next. Obviously education is my route - why else would I slave over a B.M.E. degree for four years - but by getting involved with Promise recently I don't want to give up the neighborhood development and poverty work that has become so near and dear to me. I just don't know how to combine music education and poverty work into something that will provide me a living. And who the heck knows if I'll even be able to find a job when I graduate. At the rate things are going, I'll be lucky to even work in a school. I'm not sure I'm willing to travel across the country to take a job just for the sake of a job. But I hate the thought of nearly wasting my degree because I can't do anything with it.

This is so frustrating. Heading into oblivion... the great unknown...

dunna... dunna... dunnadunnadunnadunnaDUNNADUNNADUNNA

I am a tortured individual.



What's one more lesson when the stolen moments are worth living for?

Muy Muy Guapo!

Obligatory Catching Up On Life Blog Post

May has practically come and gone and whaddya know, I haven't written here in ages once again. The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster ride of finals, papers, stress, and to-do lists that are too bloody long. good news - I did well on all my finals, including my trumpet jury: all four profs gave me pass with distinction! And somehow, SOMEHOW, I pulled off a B- history paper after staying up the night before to write it. Dr. S must love me because in what kind of universe does that happen?? But it was due RIGHT after Easter and I was not about to ruin Happy Family Time like last Thanksgiving because I put off my paper... so instead, I just procrastinated some more. Ha!

I went home for five days two weeks ago in the short span of finals-ending-summer-classes-beginning. And since then, I've been back at school taking Spanish and working in the music department. Surprisingly, Spanish is going well. I had nightmares of being thrown into a language I know nothing about. But the class is for those people who know nothing - and I'm even a little better than some! Yo soy muy inteligente. Haha!

It's very strange being here in the summer. There are so few people. It is a ghost-town campus. But I kind of like the freedom and ensuing lack of stress. My days are relatively calm and relaxed. I don't have a very tall to-do list like the past six months.
BUT -
Big news in the past couple of days. w sent me a message a few days ago asking if we could get together soon to talk. Yesterday morning he sent a message asking if we could meet then. I went up to see him at 10:30. The first thing out of his mouth: "I want you to work for Promise."
AHSAYWHAT?!
That's right, people. I will be officially working for Promise this summer. [In case you don't know, "Promise" is a new project in town: part neighborhood revitalization, part school redesign, with the hopes of getting students in a high-poverty area to succeed. It's just over a year in the works and already there has been change in the community and in the school. w wants me to write a year end report and do some other things involving his work and Youth As Resources, another program he's sorta in charge of. And he said he was going to get me some money. Who knows exactly where that money will be coming from, or how much it might be... but hey. It's a step up. I saw him earlier tonight when I was heading home after some initial research (because I have to figure out what exactly a year end report is, first of all) and he wants to start work tomorrow. Tomorrow. That means I am going to be up all damn night reading about year end reports and charting promise neighborhood actions. So much for not being busy!

Random Aside #1: Can we PLEASE be done with the rain/thunderstorm jazz? I'm all for stormy spring evenings, but it feels like it's been rainning since March. MAKE IT STOP.
Random Aside #2: I'm really likin' the Tumblr thing. Serves as an in-between to facebook and a full-blown blog... hence why I'm keeping this and posting here because I get annoyed when people put giant long posts on tumblr.
Random Aside #3: If I sit in one spot in my room on my recliner, I can get the school's wireless from across the parking lot. BOO-YAH.
Random Aside #4: This will be the first Memorial day weekend I spend away from home. The first time in five years I won't be marching in the parade. And, incidentally, the first time in five years I won't be tripping over myself and falling into bottomless potholes on Harrison Street. I'm even a little sad about that.

Anyway, I have a stack of reading for the night. Hasta luego, muchachos!

swish and flick

Forgive the long hiatus. The past few weeks have been absolutely hell. Both academically and mental-health-wise, I was on a path covered by gray clouds. I'm not sure I'm completely past it... sometimes, like today, things will be really happy. And there are other moments where I feel totally alone and frankly just sad. This is not a cry for help. I am really just trying to understand what the heck is going on.

Part of it had to do with the fact that I had been losing touch with my mentor and teacher friend. I've talked about him in past posts, so if you're really that curious go read them. Our relationship has changed since I'm in an actual class with him and he has really pushed me to the next level. And often I felt like I was losing my grip on him as a person. I understand we're both busy, we've got to-do lists that are a mile long and deadlines to meet. I am not even sure I can articulate what he means to me. But we haven't been having those wonderful, insightful and inspiring talks like we used to. I miss them. Today was good, though. I stopped in and we chatted for close to an hour about this past weekend which I will talk about shortly. We didn't talk hardly at all about class or assignments or deadlines. It was so lovely.

So this past weekend I finally got to go home for Easter. I realized that Easter is probably one of my favorite holidays... none of that gift-giving Hallmark crap beyond a little chocolate or a few jelly beans. on the ride home from school, mom and i talked about the general dysfunction in our family. i learned a lot about my dad's past and his struggles. which makes me a little more patient with him now...

and it was baby Ava's first Easter!!



she hated that bonnet.

welp, it's off to bed for me. got an early day tomorrow at the high school, and a structured interview after that. 'ho boy.

Burning like a roman candle

So I have to share this 'cause I'm still geeking out.

Last night as part of the Witt Series events, a wind quintet called Imani Winds came to campus. Flute, oboe, clarinet, horn and bassoon. They are all people of color, which was an intent when they began the group. They are influenced by many ethnic musics - afro-cuban, argentinian, indian, etc. It's definitely not traditional music. The players all went to music schools in new york, so you know they're going to be fantastic musicians. They played a concert close to two hours long. And it was TOTALLY fantastic! It was obvious that they loved playing and playing with each other. They were just so happy. At one point, the clarinetist was improvising some ridiculous cadenza, and the whole group just busts out laughing cause it was so schmaltzy. They are such cool people.

Afterwards, there was a reception for invited guests. My friend Katie and I were the ONLY students there... talk about socially awkward. We ended up having a conversation with the president, which is pretty sweet. And we got to talk to a few of the members of Imani Winds. We were the last to leave their house at 11:30... who gets to close down a party at the president's house? THIS GIRL. Haha. That was probably one of the highlights of my Witt career. No joke.

Soooo I just have to say that I have a SHIT TON of work to do. I've got major assignments in both of W's classes, plus lesson plans out the butt for Dr. C, plus preparing for juries and OH YEAH that music history paper that's due in ohhh three weeks. FUUUUU--

In other news, my service project might be taking off. For my honors class, w wants us to work on a project that will actually contribute something now that we've talked about it since January. I'm doing a small scale a StoryCorps project for the people here locally, specifically with the Neighborhood. I met with the Neighborhood Association on Tuesday, and I've got a few people who are interested in telling their stories so I can get them out there. I think they have meaningful stories just like anyone else, but it's too often the wealthy people that get to tell theirs. So I want to celebrate people who are doing work just as good. The T Foundation has been doing a narrative history project as well, but never with 'common' people. So needless to say, they're excited, I'm excited, W's excited, the Neighborhood is excited.... I can't wait to see what this might bring about.

Yay! *Happy spring dance*

Yep.

Should have thought that through

oh p.s.

i jumped in a pond today.
note that it is the last day of winter.
the water was approximately 42 degrees.

stupid stupid stupid.

i think i may have shocked my body into changing its chemistry because it's almost twelve hours later and i am STILL cold.


even though i am bummed i have to stay on campus this summer to take classes, i am looking forward to doing some fun things too. like swimming in ponds that might be a little warmer THAN FORTY FRACKING DEGREES.

Lightweight

If your friend had a problem, and you knew they needed help, you'd get help for them, right?
Even if they didn't want/need (or think they needed) help?
Even if it might cost you your friendship?

I can see it coming, and the problem is only going to get worse. I care about this person and I want them to be okay - so that justifies me seeking help? For both of us - obviously they need help with the problem, and I need help because I don't know how to deal with the problem on my own.

I am worried they will think I am trying to intervene in their life when they are capable of handling it themselves.

I guess right now I can talk to someone I know can guide me here and see what they think the next step is.

All I know is that I am not going down that really rocky road. It's already bad enough.

I do not love you...

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.

-Pablo Neruda

*Shing* Sparkle sparkle

Things are going really well since I've been back to school. This is weird. I'm not sure what to do.

For one of our big assignments in my high school education class, we had to create a climate plan for our classroom. Basically, it lays out what we will do as teachers to create a positive learning environment where students can feel comfortable and really succeed. It was a huge assignment, 20 pages of my own and other handouts/articles. w is a tough grader, he says so himself, but somehow I managed a 94.5% on it. There are only a few things that I need to revise and they're more a need to extend thinking a bit.

Another huge assignment for (guess who) w was in the honors class. Our assignment was to write a paper about some aspect of poverty beyond the economic. I wrote about redemption and how people in poverty experience redemptive sequences in order to grow. I got an A on it, which I feel is pretty unheard of. We talked about it today and he kept saying "this is good, this is good." Ha.

Thought I missed the deadline for budget hearings, but they're having two more dates next week. Whew. I already screwed up the budget once, don't need to do it again.

Scheduling for next year is once again a hot mess. Spanish is being offered in the summer, praise god, but astronomy (which we were banking on to get a science and math out of the way) is for whatever reason not offered in the fall. I think I'm going to end up taking three classes over the summer - spanish, a physics of some sort and an art. Oh, and community service which I am totally doing with Promise. So that leaves a gym class and all the other stuff for my major. But I think that's the last of my gen eds, FINALLY. God I wanna get out of here!!

March fifteenth. Besides bewaring the ides of March, it is the anniversary of my grandfather's death. Eight years ago. I can't believe it's been that long... I wish he could see where I am now. I miss him terribly. I can still remember exactly when and where I was when my dad answered the phone. 4:21 on a saturday afternoon. But I don't want to dwell on it. I'm just sad my niece won't know him.

Seeing as how my spring break was busy in ways not related to school, I didn't get a lot of time to practice trumpet. I was kinda worried about my lesson, but I get an email at 8 on Sunday from Bryan asking if we can reschedule my lesson at 2... well too bad I have a class at that time so I couldn't do it. Free no lesson day.

Cha-ching.

Thirty-five days of classes left.

lovely and significant

So.
Day one of back-to-school after Spring Break 2011.
Not that my spring break was anything really spectacular... I didn't go to El Salvador or Florida... hell, I barely traveled outside Lorain County.
Still, it was impeccable timing to have break - I needed it badly. Things were spiraling out of control a few weeks ago and I was drowning in all kinds of stuff to do. Thankfully break came and I got calmed down and relaxed and out of myself. (It is a personality trait of mine that when things go wrong or I am freaking out I kind of just melt down and go back into myself where no one can reach me. Coping mechanism. Terrible, terrible, coping mechanism.) I found out that holding a sleeping baby can do wonders for your mental state. I got to kiss her and love her and look at her and smell her wonderful baby smell (minus the diapers). For once I actually felt calm. Calm, I tell you. That hasn't happened in millennia.
I had to go to a funeral (well, funeral home viewing) because a member of our church, young man, 22 years old, passed away suddenly last week. It seems like every time I travel home I have to go to some funeral or something. It is enough to make me stay away... but I miss my family too much.
Got to spend some very brief time with my friends. Most of them are working now, so it's a challenge of epic proportions to get everyone together in one spot. I did get to spend a lot of time with Jessica and also Heather, and that was wonderful because I love that family.
People are beginning to ask me what I am going to do in the next year and after... and my response is: graduate, and then who the hell knows. It is so scary. I was up until 2 last night thinking about it. I was also nervous because I had to teach a lesson this morning in front of 20 of my peers, which is unbelievably difficult. But overall I think it went okay. Welker had feedback for me, of course, but the response from the class was positive.
Somehow - somehowwwww - I pulled out a B on my music history midterm. I only missed fifteen points total (thank god for bonus points). I vowed last semester to not pull a last minute study session, but of course I did, and I really thought I was screwed. I'd like to get an A in this class, so I will have to do well on the paper. I got a B+ on my paper last semester, and Dr. s said that was good for one of his classes, and I know I can do better, so I'm shooting for better than a B+. I am going to start studying like, now, for the final exam.
Once again, I have a class time conflict with an education and a music class next semester. I need both, and the professor who only has five students in his class (logically the one who could find another time, compared with the education class that has potentially 20 students in it) is fighting to keep his time in the morning. I am so frustrated. We'll see what happens, I guess...

Okay so I have to go to the library to pick up 3038528027 vhs tapes for my favorite professor in the whole wide world, so that'll be it for now.

:: It's been real. ::

missed me missed me now you gotta kiss me

day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you



Last summer I got to accompany students to Columbus on a field trip. This was one of my first encounters with Promise Neighborhood.

day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member



my brodda. we've gotten a lot closer over the past few years.

day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of



ever since I can remember, having someone break into our house has been one of my biggest fears. I was never afraid of the dark... I was afraid of someone breaking into the dark.

day 29: A picture that can always make you smile



If you look closely, mr. b is sitting behind me. No matter how much time may pass, we can always pick right back up where we left off.
This was at Vacationland; we had played Apples to Apples and you know how your green cards at the end are supposed to describe how you are in bed? His first word - dysfunctional. so. freaking. funny.

day 30: A picture of someone you miss



l kel. even though she can be a pain in the ass :P ... things were so fun.

ooh i'm already gone

day 25: A picture of your favorite day

Huh. This is tough. I have a lot of favorite days...



but most recently, this is what comes to mind. rachel and i had a cancelled class on a thursday afternoon, so we took a walk down to the little playground near campus. we acted silly for a while, and spent some time swinging on the swings. it was one of those odd warm days in february, so the weather was gorgeous. we walked to coffee expressions and got smoothies and generally just enjoyed being outside and not in a classroom. it was wonderful.

darlin' darlin'

day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change



my alone-ness. is it too much to ask to find someone with whom i can share my time?

I gave them all the truth and none of the honesty

day 23: A picture of your favorite book



This was an easy one. I've read it twice in the past six months. I absolutely adore it and I think everyone should read it. Colum McCann is such a gifted writer... there are passages in this book that I read every so often and just go "wow... damn..." and it's like someone punched me in the stomach with that sentence. Fantastic. Go read.
Go on.
Right now!

day 22 was tuesday

day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at



I hate to say it but I think college has made me into an introvert. Except for when I'm with my friends and family, I would rather be alone reading a book or something like that. I like to think about things for a while before I respond. I wish I were better at talking to people in order to make connections. And honestly I don't even know why I'm scared of opening my mouth. But as a teacher it's something I'm going to have to get over.

And yes, that's me in that photo... Esther's daycare. Stupid bunny ears. I don't even remember why I was crying!

Start laughing hysterically at anything and everything

I usually hate Mondays for one reason only: trumpet lessons. Shudder. I am not the best performer so playing by myself in front of someone is really nerve-wracking. Because of my crazy schedule and my inability to say "no" to people, practicing in a deserted hallway of practice rooms late at night is not really appealing to me. I know I should practice more than I do, and it's only myself that's holding me back. But somehow today's lesson went actually really well. I found one of my weaknesses in playing - breathing. When you play, ideally the breath should be a straight line of air throughout. But for some ungodly reason I don't do that. Instead, my breath follows the line of music either up or down, which affects my sound and intonation. My teacher helped me with some of this today and I am going to have to work hard to get better. I think part of it is that I never got private lessons in junior high or high school, so I am lacking some of the basics and am now trying to catch up.
For one of my recital pieces I am playing Rondo For Lifey by Leonard Bernstein. He is one of my suprem-o favorite composer/conductor/teachers, so when Bryan mentioned this to me I jumped at the chance to play it. It's a fun little ditty, as they say, and I just busted it out today and for once Bryan didn't have too many bad things to say.



Most of the time he tears me apart, which is usually warranted by my lack of practice, but finally he was...dare i say... a teensy bit impressed?
HALLELUIA!!
I cannot tell you the grief this man causes me. All the time he's just like "I know you can do better, I want you to be a great player, take this to the next level" and I try, I really do. I really have to work at it and I struggle a lot. But today might have been a "breakthrough". Don't want to call things too quickly but it was totally different than most of my sucky lessons!
And you know what?
It makes me feel great.
And I no longer have a case of the Garfield Mondays.

We're just ordinary people

day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget



I made a huge mistake. Most of Spring semester 2010 really really sucked because of this. Should have listened and believed what people told me about him.
Bad decisions.
Bad bad bad.


On a happier note, only five days until I get to meet my niece!!!
My mom is taking me home for spring break on Saturday, and we're probably going to get off the highway and go directly to their house.
Becca said that I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted. Since Matt has to go back to work next week, I might stay there for part of the time I am home and help out - making dinner, cleaning, laundry, etc.
My mom is off next week too, which means I'll be able to spend mucho time with family. Ohhhhh yes!!

she said she needed a break

day 20: A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel



I'd really like to travel out west and see everything. hell, honestly i'd like to travel anywhere right now. i love ohio but there's so much more out there.

some of us were thinking about taking a road trip this summer. it'd be really cool if it were to work out, but i am not sure how it might conflict with the summer classes i have to take. and it depends on if the summer classes i need are even offered here. what i really need is spanish, but there are a few others too. rachel said something about clark state having online classes, and that would be a good option if witt didn't have the language over the summer.

ugh i hate this waiting game. i won't know what summer classes are until march.

NMP.

I don't understand why things are so unreliable.
It's literally like a rollercoaster ride in the dark. I'll be flying around this awesome sweeping curve and then all of a sudden the bottom drops out and I am left scrambling for some sense of stability. There are such extreme highs and lows I'm starting to get concerned.

I want to go home and meet my niece.

I want to tell someone how much I love them.

I want to go out and make a difference. I feel like I am just sitting here biding my time in college. After watching Waiting For Superman last night, it's killing me to spend my time writing stupid papers and do assignments when I know there is important work out there.

After having hot chocolate with w, I have decided that I will try being more honest with people and say what I feel. He asked me some questions I was a bit nervous about, and I probably could have said a lot more than I did, but I realized I hold back a lot.

I also am trying super hard to make better eye contact with people. Only after my education class did a few group things did I realize that I SUCK at this! Major suck-o. And I don't know why. I think it has something to do with feeling vulnerable, which goes back to the hot cocoa talk above. Sometimes it's okay to feel vulnerable. Like, I was terrified to lead warm ups for the choir this past week. There is no other vulnerability than standing in front of a group of people who are staring at you to tell them what to do. It was the scariest thing I've done in a while. But -- somehow I got through it. There are times when I wonder what the HELL I was thinking getting into this college and doing what I'm doing, and then there are other times I couldn't dream of doing anything else. And standing in front of the choirs for the first time made me realize how awesome this is sometimes.

Today has been a productive day, surprisingly. Checking things off my to-do list is a lot more effective than sitting around freaking out about what's going to happen in the next year or year and a half. I feel like I have no sense of direction right now other than some very abstract ideas of where I'd like to be. On one hand that's kind of thrilling, not knowing what will become of me, but on the other hand I really like a sense of stability. There it is again - my struggle right now! Stability.

Kat said the other night that she was going to get me a boy. I am not sure what this means. Yes, I'd like a boyfriend but I don't want it to be forced and I want them to at least like me before we're forced together by a matchmaker. I am constantly afraid I am not good enough or that I am making mistakes left and right that will affect everything. And another thing - why the hell do I take things so personally?? This is really starting to bug me. Katie and I came up with a motto: Not My Problem. NMP. Both of us have a really bad habit of taking too many things on but sometimes it's okay to let other people do stuff. So sometimes mistakes happen, but guess what, all of them are Not My Problem. This may be a little pessimistic but it's a joke-y way of saying 'dude i've got way too much on my plate right now so i'm gonna take a step back.' which is totally okay sometimes, right? Right???

Today's post brought to you by the letter B

Day 19 - A picture and a letter



"I consider it an honor and privilege to know and talk with you."

Who's the king of your satellite castle?

day eighteen: A picture of your biggest insecurity



How people view me. What people think of me. I know it's stupid and I shouldn't waste my time, but I still care about what other people think.

She's a chunker

day seventeen: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently





my brother became a dad. my dad became a grandfather. I became an aunt.

It takes a whole village

yesterday was wednesday.
day sixteen: A picture of someone who inspires you



Geoffrey Canada. Harlem Children's Zone. If you are at all concerned about the future of education, google this.

Bottom of the hill

day fifteen: A picture of something you want to do before you die

I want to see the Aurora Borealis.



I hate to say it but I really don't want to be in college right now. I want to take a break. I want to stop writing papers and meaningless assignments that mean nothing to me and doing things for other people and fighting to stay awake in class and jumping through the hoops of a liberal arts education and being so close and yet so damn far.
I just want to quit.
Things always seem to pile up so that I can barely get out from under them. An insane rollercoaster that has been going for too long and I just want OFF.

It doesn't help that my sister in law is at the hospital right now in labor with a child and I am three hours away.

I know this post is ridiculously emo and all that shit. But I don't care.

Just plain dumb

forgot to do sunday's:
day thirteen: A picture of your favorite band or artist



I've seen them live twice at Blossom. They have a song for anything I could ever feel. I love them.

eat steak eat steak

day twelve: A picture of something you love



"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

Fry-day

day eleven: a picture of something I hate



someone keeping you down, someone suppressing you.

catching up

day eight: A picture that makes you laugh



yep. yep, that's me. on the ground. eating dirt.

day nine: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most



I love her.

day ten: A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with



basically.

Excuse me as I try not to expel sputum all over the keyboard

Allow me to wallow in self-pity just for a sec... came down with the flu and a sinus infection this weekend. saturday was a complete waste - i literally slept ALL day. like, I didn't leave my bed except to go to the bathroom. Yesterday I felt mildly better but went to the health center just in case this morning. Turns out I broke blood vessels in my face from heaving so violently, so it's not a skin-eating rash like I hoped.

Anyway, I'm behind on the thirty day challenge:
Day five: A picture of my favorite memory



you already know how much this man means to me, and what marching band did for me in high school. i don't need to explain it again. it was the best three years of my life.

day six: a picture of a person I'd love to trade places with for a day.



I'm not afraid to admit I have a teensy little crush on anthony bourdain. he's just got the bad-assery and rebel boy image goin' on. i think it'd be cool to travel the world and just eat.
haha.

day seven: a picture of my most treasured item.



my little treasure box. holds all the little things that mean a lot.

--------------

oh yeah, so today's valentine's day.
spent it single once again.
i also sanitized all the surfaces of our apartment so my roommate doesn't get my sickness.
what a great day.
-____-

If you had a penis for a day

Day four of the thirty day challenge: a picture of my favorite night



i would say that this picture generally sums up most nights when we get together with the crew. something always ends up happening, shenanigans ensue and we just sit around and laugh.
i love these people. i miss them so damn much. growing up is hard.

rock crushes lizard

Day three of the thirty day challenge: A picture of the cast from your favorite show



holy penguin poop i love this show. for you uncultured fools it's the big bang theory. it's about three physicists, an engineer and a waitress at the cheesecake factory and the shenanigans that they get into. they're all socially awkward in some way and i just love that! it's a really funny show so if you've got an inner geek just dying to get out.... this is the show for you.

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

So Damn Lucky

Day Two of the thirty day challenge:
A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest



she's my best friend, my confidant, my moral compass, my sister. we've been friends since preschool - literally - she has pictures to prove it. we're eating pretzels and drinking juice in the photo, by the way.
i know that after everything, we will be there for each other to support and encourage and sometimes bitch to each other.
and there have been times where we've been known to get a little goofy. the memories are endless.

riding bikes down case ave., racing around the circle at Prospect, going to the bookmobile, playing with beanie babies on my blanket, playing "dogs" on her jungle gym, making fort houses in the snow that only ever included tvs and chairs, playing pod racers in her room after school, swinging on june's swing, climbing our trees, her carrying my percussion set home from school, those first days of school when my mom took pictures of us, hiding in the leaf piles at halloween, memorizing her phone number but being too afraid to call, hiding in the back of her purple van, swinging on my rope swing, playing with my bunny rabbit, sneaking inside the house when our parents weren't home, finally being back in school together in high school, band lunch, cheta cheese, on the rising winds-shhhhhhh, playing albanian dance over and over and over again to get the pattern, the east and west hemispheres, mario savvio, shepka's baby, mmmm red meat, passing down my band gloves so she can use them to drive, hiding six people in brenda's car so we could get to the stadium, hat checks, stale popcorn and water at halftime, the candlelight ceremony, band lunch powwows, 5 mph in the parking lot, retarded flutes, duck lust buns, geese go quack, "did you say you'll never know it's keeshan?", dancing to yoko kanno at 2am, mario kart, cookies with no vanilla flavor, my grad party and the rainbow, alumni band when she wasn't yet an alumni - boom chicken boom, lolcats and how real they actually are, "the list", if i had a penis for a day, dave matthews' So Damn Lucky, Little Red Bird, LeRoi <3, in search of the red witt chairs......

okay so i'm exhausted from all that thinking.
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Wherein I succumb to peer pressure and talk too much about myself

Okay so I usually don't do these kinds of things, but they're blowing up facebook about it and it actually seems like a pretty cool concept. The idea is to upload a picture once a day for the next thirty days, and each day has a specific prompt.

Today is number 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.



and my ten facts:
1. I really love sleeping in and eating. I am trying to subscribe to the "eat when hungry, sleep when tired" zen thing. It's worked okay so far, but since I'm in class all day "eating" tends to be some grapes while sitting in music history class. Speaking of... my stomach is literally twitching right now.
2. I really love teaching and service. If I can't find a teaching job after graduating, I am considering doing Americorps or Teach For America. I fell in love with working with Promise Neighborhood. I feel it's what I'm called to do.
3. I wish I could dress like a hipster and not be judged. Lol. Though I am not a hipster I do like the fashion.
4. Speaking of fashion, with my next paycheck I am going to buy another pair of Toms shoes.
5. I hate to say it... but I have come to enjoy macs and a part of me really wishes my parents had bought me a macbook pro!
6. I am a hopeless romantic who is a teensy bit existential and idealist and loves good literature, movies and poetry. Not to mention a glass of wine along with those.
7. If you tell me to read something or watch something, I will. My teachers are continually surprised because I'll come back to class having read a book they briefly mentioned. Happens with Dr. w all the time.
8. I enjoy the outdoors, camping and fishing and all that jazz and think I can hold my own when it comes to those things. However, I consider myself a city girl.
9. My "favorites" like food, color, movie or book, change with whatever I'm doing. If I'm reading an especially good book, that's my favorite at the time. That isn't to say I don't have preferences or books and movies I'll experience over and over again. Jeesh, I've probably read Matilda about 50 times.
10. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

I have neglected blogging in a while because I wanted to properly think about things.
I don't think I'm going to do a year-in-review of 2010. It was a tough year for me, and besides a select few experiences I'd rather just move on than keep dwelling on the past.
I'm a week into school now, and am already drowning in work. Dr. w's classes are killing me. The high school education class is four days a week (did I mention that it's at 8am? (Oh yeah, it's at 8am). He's got some sort of long assignment every night, and it's hell trying to finish all of it in time. Not to mention all my other classes aren't taking it easy either. On top of the fact that we had to take my roommate to the emergency room last night, complications from her car accident last week, I spent three hours there doing absolutely no work. Who could ever do work in a hospital? Come on. Thankfully my choral music class was cancelled today so I can use that time to catch up on stuff.

Tonight we're going to Dayton with my honors class to see Geoffrey Canada. He's the president and ceo of the Harlem Children's Zone, doing amazing things for children there, and we're using that as a model for the Promise Neighborhood. I'm getting out of band early so we can go to Dayton... hope we make it on time and that this rain doesn't turn into ice.

I've been thinking a lot about teaching and what it means to be a teacher. What it takes to be a teacher. And it's daunting. But I'm confident I've got people here who will encourage, nurture and inspire me so that I may be able to do that to my students.